@jenr493918 wrote:
My first time posting. I just joined the community because I live in Anchorage, Alaska and I can't find any support groups in my area. Almost all have to do with Alzheimer's or mentally incapacitated people.
My mother is 73 and has severe COPD. She can barely walk to the bathroom in her home without getting out of breath and needing her inhaler and oxygen.
It's past time that I find her a better living option, but she resents it every time I bring it up.
I'm currently doing everything for her. 43, divorced with one child living in another state for college. I have no help, no one to call on when I am not up to something. No siblings, no husband, no children. I do all of her grocery shopping (and then put it all away), buy all of her cigarettes, get all of her prescriptions, and take time off of work once a week to take her to all of her doctors appointments. Mommy never leaves the house except for the doctors visits and I have such a hard time pushing the wheelchair, trying to carry the oxygen concentrator, plus my purse that I just break sometimes.
None of my friends understand what I'm going through and I'm just tired. So very tired.
Hi JenR,
Of course you're tired! You are her full time caregiver! And let me guess, she isn't the most grateful person in the world? Or maybe she is thankful for all you do, but she insists that you KEEP on doing all of it, forever! You are exhausted, and also isolated. You don't have time or energy to do anything but keep things going for her.
I bet you feel resentful, too; i certainly would. She caused her own illness... although i am not in favor of blaming people for their illnesses and bad habits. Still, i know that anger seeps in there... for some people, certainly for me.
So, let's talk about what you can do. You need a break, NOW, and you need a plan for her to get care that doesn't involve you. I'm sorry, Mama, but you have to talk about your own future. Pleasant or unpleasant.
Money makes the world go around. Is she a veteran? Does she have Alaska Medicaid? She probably has Medicare. Do you have a family attorney or an accountant? What i'm getting at is that she either has enough assets to pay for help in the home to give you a break and help out, or she is poor enough to be eligible for covered (paid for) care through the Medicaid program in Alaska, or the Veteran's Administration. Trouble is, YOU have to do the leg work. However, soon, very soon, you'll get some relief. I wish it wasn't so much work!
One thing you can do is look up the 'area agency on aging' that serves where you live: put in your zip code into the search box on www.eldercare.gov, and you will find the agency. Call them up, and make an appointment to see them. You can leave her alone for a couple of hours. You have to. The social worker at that agency should give you all kinds of information on what is available for free or a small fee.
I'm also thinking that it might be a good idea to hire some help even short term while you figure out what you can do longer term. I hope there are agencies in your area that you can hire from, these would be home health agencies that have 'private duy' aides, home health aides, certified nursing assitants. These are folks who are trained at bathing, dressing, caring for people who need care, and these are services that are not covered by Medicare. In the DC/Maryland area, the price ranged from 15 an hour to 22, and there was a minimum number of hours, 4. So that's 60 to 88 dollars. Which is not cheap. But, if you hire someone, you get a break. I bet your mom is going to object. "I don't want a stranger in here!!" Blah blah blah. Most people object. Too bad. Aides are used to having cranky, uncooperative older folks in their care, and most of the time, the older person begins to appreciate the care and wonder how they got along so long without her. (Most but not all are female.)
Having her go to an Assisted Living place or a nursing home is several steps beyond these initial ones, but i'm thinking you need to act soon before you burn out completely get sick yourself. Caregivers are notorious for getting stress related illnesses.
Before i blather on, does any of this make sense? I have been a caregiver, will be one again, and I used to be a geriatric care manager and hospice social worker...
Write back?
Jane
