@d265070p It's such an emotional rollercoaster when those we care for are angry, unappreciative, hurtful, combative or aggressive and nasty. As you say, it's the disease process (what is the disease you are dealing with), but it's hurtful and heartbreaking to have someone we love be mean to us.
My Dad had Alzheimers and sometimes he would get so anxious and frustrated he would say mean things and be resistant. He was always an easygoing guy and very loving and affectionate. So the change in behavior - even cussing when I'd never heard him cuss before in my whole life - was so distressing and depressing. Maybe you're feeling some of the same things?
I always knew in my head that it was not personal, but in my heart it hurt. Knowing it's part of a disease process is helpful, but we still have to deal with the behaviors in a very practical way.
In addition to my Dad I've worked with many older adults over the years and here's what has always helped the most: I try to figure out what's behind the behavior and do something about the cause. It could be that the person you are trying to help feels (and keep in mind it could be real or perceived things - doesn't really matter which it is because the behavior is the same):
- pain (this is really common - especially with chronic pain)
- fear
- anxiety
- helpless (it's a vulnerable feeling to need care and help)
- useless
- loss of control of their lives, body, emotions
- anger
- depression
- medication side-effects or interactions
Sometimes you might have to guess what is at the root of the behavior, or use your intuition. Taking a step back and observing in detail can help.
Often, the person providing care becomes the target of all the bad feelings because the care recipient feels "safe" with you. They feel like you won't abandon them even if they take out all of those difficult things they are feeling on you.
Then address the root of the problem. Jane has suggested several good things and in addition I would suggest looking at alternative approaches that calm anxiety and all of the other issues. For example, my Dad would get very anxious and restless in the late afternoon (sundowners syndrome) and we began giving him foot bath every evening and a foot massage. He loved it and it calmed him and distracted him from the feeling that he should be going somewhere or doing something (because that was the root for his restlessness). Dad also got acupuncture and the Chinese Medicine doctor prescribed Chinese herbs that helped calm him. When my Mom got sharp with me I knew her pain was out of control, discussed it with her and her doctor and adjusted her pain medication. Sometimes her behavior was caused by an undetected urinary tract infection.
If your loved one is feeling like life is out of control (who wouldn't if they were in need of caregiving!) perhaps there are things you can do to help them feel more in control - choices they can make (from choosing their outfit to choosing what they eat to making decisions about where they live).
If pain is not under control consult with a pain specialist. If depression is an issue (more common than you might think in older adults) then medication, counseling etc can be explored.
Boundaries are always a good idea too! But sometimes others can't understand the boundaries (ie with dementia). Allow the person ways to express their discomfort, anger, frustration etc. but be clear you have your limits.
I hope this perspective is helpful to you! Please let me know if you need help figuring out how to address whatever is at the root of the problem.
Take care,
Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert
Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving
