Difficult mom

[s450669s]

Hi, my mom is 86 years old w Parkinsons. She has outlived her money and we in the last year met with an attorney to get Medicaid. After 4 falls in 5 weeks she is living in her apartment with full time round the clock aides. She hates it, says she can't move without them, has lost her independence and even called a local car dealer who picked her up and she purchased a car on a credit card. We are trying to give it back, she left the apartment yesterday to drive to the store and the agency called me. They may not provide her w care anymore as she is being non compliant.I am a working young widow and don't know what to do anymore, trying to talk to her she cries or gets very nasty. Where do I turn for help and guidance?

[agoyer]

@s450669s I can imagine how stressful this is! It sounds like you are trying to respect your mom’s wishes yet keep her safe and deal with limited funds. Sounds like she is grieving the loss of her freedom and abilities. It’s awful to feel caught in the middle like this!

One of the things that occurs to me is have you considered hiring a Live-in caregiver (or two) who would be more constant and a friend/companion to your mom as well, who would take her places and give her more quality of life experiences? Often people seem to develop different relationships in that kind of scenario. Agencies can be harder and inconsistent caregivers etc. that said, you may be limited to specific agency if Medicaid is paying for it. Some states have a patient-led system though in which the patient gets to choose the caregivers so that’s something to ask about (sometimes called “cash and carry” program). 

Is it a possibility for you and your mom to live together so you can also provide some care and quality of life? That’s what I did for my Dad who has dementia and I’m so glad I did. He’s 94 and has lived freight me now for about 6 1/2 yrs. 

Im concerned about support for YOU! Are you connected with a local caregiver support group? You might contact your local area agency on aging and ask about support for caregivers. Find yours at www.eldercare.gov. 

You mention you are a young widow, so I’m sure you are dealing with grief and it’s so complicated - and grief associated with your mom’s changes too. Grief support groups are available too! I’m sure your time is limited but I’ve learned (as a caregiver my entire adult life) that I have to fill my own tank or I don’t have the energy to care for others. So please be gentle with yourself and do things - even little things - to keep filling your tank! 

Please let me know how I can help! 

Take care,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

[JaneCares]

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@s450669s wrote:

Hi, my mom is 86 years old w Parkinsons. She has outlived her money and we in the last year met with an attorney to get Medicaid. After 4 falls in 5 weeks she is living in her apartment with full time round the clock aides. She hates it, says she can't move without them, has lost her independence and even called a local car dealer who picked her up and she purchased a car on a credit card. We are trying to give it back, she left the apartment yesterday to drive to the store and the agency called me. They may not provide her w care anymore as she is being non compliant.I am a working young widow and don't know what to do anymore, trying to talk to her she cries or gets very nasty. Where do I turn for help and guidance?

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Oh my. Buying a car on a credit card? The place that sold her the car really should be scolded. Lord have mercy. 

She's pissed off, that's for sure, and it's understandable. Can you afford to hire a geriatric care manager? I used to be one, and i once had a client who kept getting asked to leave various assisted living places. Since she has medicaid, you'd have to pay for it. But the cost might be well worth it.  A geriatric care manager is trained and usually has tons of experience working with the problems that come up when older people need a solution on how to get care and live their best life despite the disabilities. Which includes bad attitudes. Or at least uncooperative ones. 

The web site www.caremanager.org is where you can find one. And then tell them you only have so much to work with financially, and see what they can do. We used to do 'consultations' which meant a thorough assessment and then recommendations on solutions. If clients had more money to work with, we could take the client to doctor appointments, vet and choose aides, etc. 

Even though she's difficult, does she listen to you? or is there someone else in the family she'll listen to? or a authority figure, like a minister of some sort? You could try to reason with her. "Mom, how are you going to pay back your credit card debt? If you'd like to get out more, let's talk about that..."  Etc. She IS suffering a terrible loss. Hopefully she'll see that you mean the best for her. 

I'm surprised she gets 'round the clock care. Medicaid in DC paid for 12 hours a day, tops, as i recall. Now I'm in Oregon. 

Can you tell us more about her and you? Do you have any siblings to support you and help? We are hear and i don't know a single older person who hasn't been difficult at one point or another. (I'm counting on being one myself!)

Thanks for writing. Please write more.

Jane

[Epster]

Hi @s450669s and welcome to the online community.

You came to the right place. AARP offers loads of great articles and such about caregiving. Additionally, there's a terrific group on the caregiving forums here that can offer suggestions and considerable knowledge. I've asked the moderators to move your post over there. You can head over there yourself, though. Here's the link: http://community.aarp.org/t5/Caregiving/ct-p/Caregiving

Best wishes.