Hello, this is my first time on the fourm. I apologized in advance for length of my post.I simply am at my witts end. I am single and only child of deaf parent(s) I feel like I've been the adult since I was 6 yrs old. Only when my parents moved out of state did I have my own life.
I have been caring for my parents long distance for about 5 years, moved to Arizona to be near my parents to help my mother with my dad who was diagnosed with vascular demntia/alzheimers 2 yrs. ago. Refusing any help I moved back to Texas to resume my life offering to move them to Texas with me when they were ready. By the time I got them here dad was on hospice (dementia/alzheimers) He was with us for 3 months then passed 1 year ago. It was a very hard and difficult journey but I am thanful he was at home with mom & I where he wanted to be when he passed.
I am now my mother's caregiver. She is and has been my entire life very dependent and bitter because of her deafness. She makes demands and wont let up until she gets what she wants. She picks fights with me over things I have no control over and I have bent over backwards, spent my entire savings/retirement to care for her and dad. She is miserable every minute of the day, refusing to go to church with me (where they have a deaf ministry), or plug into a deaf communitty coffee group I found. She complians about every interpreter, making me feel guilty for not taking off work for every doctors appointment she has(which is ALOT) She is healthy but wants to be sick, (has been her attention seeking method my entire life)
My health is detorating, my complex migrains are back after 8 years of being migraine free
I have lost contact with all my friends, have no outlet on the weekends , and cant do my short out of town visits to friends becasue she throws a tantrum saying she cant be alone but doesn't want anyone to come stay with her.
I know I shold be able to stand my ground but the guilt ....... if something should happen has taken over. My closest friends tell me I need a support group... so here I am ..... hoping somone can relate to what I'm living and give me hope of having my life back
@jeaniew624570 It sounds like you are feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. You've got cumulative stress built up over years of caregiving as well as grief with the loss of your Dad, loss of control over your life and so much more. It's complicated - right?!
A support group is a great idea! You an access grief support groups and caregiver support groups - maybe both would help!
To find a caregiver support group:
I'd suggest you go to the Eldercare Locator at www.eldercare.acl.gov. I actually put your town in the search there and click HERE for the link to your listing for the area agency on aging, the aging and disability resource center and other helpful links.The area agency on aging should have a listing or referrals to local caregiver support groups and other caregiver resources in your community.
I hope this is helpful! Is there anything else we can help you find?
You've got to keep filling your own tank - no one can run on empty! The support group is a great way to start!
Hang in and take care - you're doing your best and choosing to care - feel good about that. I cared for both of my parents too - for about 10 yrs intensively and many years from a distance before that. My Mom died about 4 1/2 yrs ago, and my Dad about 8 months ago. It was especially hard for Daddy after Mom passed. They were together 63 years. I'm sure your Mom is having trouble with missing him to which may affect her behavior. Perhaps she is dealing with some depression and grief and loss too. Perhaps she would benefit from a group and a consultation with her doctor also.
Let me say this, though: you are being bullied by your mother. A support group may help with helping you realize this. I also think that you might need a therapist to help you get some support and coaching so that you can stand up to your mother and shape her behavior so that she shows you respect. There is no reason in the world that you have to put up with her behavior, her unreasonable complaints, and her selfishness.
I want to stop there and see how my words land. Do you agree, even a little? Here's a test. If your best friend were telling you about how HER mother where treating HER, would you be appalled?
I’m so sorry. That is very rough. It must be overwhelming. I don’t live near you so I don’t know of support groups. In my state, our school for the deaf has tons of resources for the student families as well as the greater community. Maybe you could contact them in Texas and ask if they know of a caregiving support group. You are facing some unique caregiving needs. Hospice also has great resources for caregivers in general.
I understand the emotional manipulation. Been there and done that. You do have to set boundaries and it’s ok to say no. For your own health you may need to say no. Personally, I’d start with the weekends. Make at least one of those days a “me” day. She’s on her own. Does she truly need round the clock care? Or is she just demanding it?
Also, anger is a sign of depression. Has she ever been evaluated for that? I wonder if an SSRI might help her feel a bit more settled and content and therefore be less angry.
Good for you reaching out! A First Step! It's kind of like on the Air Plane... put your own oxygen mask on first! Then attend to family and others.
Instinctively you know you have to keep well enough to keep your job.. ie Survive! Your Mother can not be allowed to pull your health down. Yes bounderies and getting her assessed for her anger and helplessness are good starting places. I have my own storey with a husband that reverted back to pre speach [about 3 years old]! But that is another post.
Please do look our for your own health. Talk to your own Doctors or search online for support for 'Caretakers of seniors'. Social Security and Deaf Foundations would be places to start in your community. You need a caretaker support group and options. You can not continue to allow yourself to be completely drained financially, emotionallly, health wise and time wise. Life is too short!
We would all like to hear back. I am in FL miles away. God Bless and good luck.