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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Financial Help

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Message 1 of 9

catherines908525 wrote:

I am the primary caregiver of my boyfriends mothwr, ahe is 98, i am 54 I have been working my entire life and had a good career until my late husband became sick and started working part time retail. Mom was living with her daughter until last year, her daughter got burned our, she has two other daughters one retired and one qorking, no one willing to take care of mom.  She is a petite 4 ft 9 100 pounds and sweet as cam be but needs ally of atyention. I quit my job and moved into my boyfriends and became her caregiver. The family pays me, but does not equate to the income I was rwciwving. They will not put it on the books and my concern is that I have no income I can report and leaves me in a position that I can not apply for a loan , get approved for anything that requires proof of incomr. I cannot believe how selfish they are, my future is at risk because I am not paying into my own S.S., they ate saving thousands of dollars. There is a need to have more laws in place to protect caregivers. I love this woman and will not leave her to go into a nursing hone. Caregiver  going broke.


Hi Catherine,

You are in a pickle, which you agreed to get into, and now you are attached to your boyfriend's mother. There are several steps you can take, but you'll need to be willing to take them. 

 

Is this boyfriend going to marry you? I ask because you'll have some protections from him if you marry, if he owns his house, has any assets that he can share with you to help (somewhat, it depends) with your own future. That's one thing. And, how does he feel about how 'the family' is treating you? Does he have a say? or does he have a bossy older sister who 's in charge?

 

This woman is lucky to have you. She also has family members involved in her care. The entire family would benefit from talking to an eldercare lawyer to see how to do at least 2 things: 

1. take the best possible care of Mrs. 98 years old and

2. take the best care of you, as a worker and caregiver.

 

It sounds like 'the family' is willing to take advantage of you without any qualms. The feedback from GailL is good, and also pretty adversarial. Do you want to try a mediator first? 

 

This is indeed a mess. You'll have to see how much your boyfriend backs you up, and how much noise you are willing to make regarding how you are paid. The family may be breaking the law. But the best path may be to have everyone sit down and talk reasonably and calmly. You can't go on like this, and they need you. Is there a way to do this in a family  meeting? If your boyfriend will back you up....

 

Tell us more?

Thanks for writing! I know many caregivers get into these situations!

 

Jane

 

 

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Valued Social Butterfly

Re: Financial Help

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Message 2 of 9

catherines908525 wrote:

I am the primary caregiver of my boyfriends mothwr, ahe is 98, i am 54 I have been working my entire life and had a good career until my late husband became sick and started working part time retail. Mom was living with her daughter until last year, her daughter got burned our, she has two other daughters one retired and one qorking, no one willing to take care of mom.  She is a petite 4 ft 9 100 pounds and sweet as cam be but needs ally of atyention. I quit my job and moved into my boyfriends and became her caregiver. The family pays me, but does not equate to the income I was rwciwving. They will not put it on the books and my concern is that I have no income I can report and leaves me in a position that I can not apply for a loan , get approved for anything that requires proof of incomr. I cannot believe how selfish they are, my future is at risk because I am not paying into my own S.S., they ate saving thousands of dollars. There is a need to have more laws in place to protect caregivers. I love this woman and will not leave her to go into a nursing hone. Caregiver  going broke.


Seems YOU have put yourself in this situation by accepting this responsibility.

What would her family have done if you did not take on this responsibility?

 

You could always tell them that they are paying you in an illegal manner and report them to the IRS.  

 

You can can also tell them that you have to find a livable wage and thus they will have to make other plans.

 

You have tons of laws, rules and regulations on your side but YOU have to decide to use them just like anybody else who works for someone else.  Contact your state's dept. of labor and file a grievance against them.

 

They are using you and you are letting them do it - don't try to put this on society when you have ways to solve the problem but you have to take action to correct your own life.

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Info Seeker

Re: Financial Help

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Message 3 of 9

I am the primary caregiver of my boyfriends mothwr, ahe is 98, i am 54 I have been working my entire life and had a good career until my late husband became sick and started working part time retail. Mom was living with her daughter until last year, her daughter got burned our, she has two other daughters one retired and one qorking, no one willing to take care of mom.  She is a petite 4 ft 9 100 pounds and sweet as cam be but needs ally of atyention. I quit my job and moved into my boyfriends and became her caregiver. The family pays me, but does not equate to the income I was rwciwving. They will not put it on the books and my concern is that I have no income I can report and leaves me in a position that I can not apply for a loan , get approved for anything that requires proof of incomr. I cannot believe how selfish they are, my future is at risk because I am not paying into my own S.S., they ate saving thousands of dollars. There is a need to have more laws in place to protect caregivers. I love this woman and will not leave her to go into a nursing hone. Caregiver  going broke.

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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Financial Help

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Message 4 of 9

luciep553592 wrote:
I noticed that the option of paying the family member to be the primary caregiver is not mentioned i recently had to deal with this issue and was heartbroken to realize that I only had so much income to pay a family member for my care does Medicare or insurance help with this sort of issue?

There are some states which allow the care recipient to pay a family member, and it's through the Medicaid program. You can find out if your state participates if you call the area agency on aging: put the care recipient zip code into the search box on www.eldercare.gov. 

 

Outside of this system you might be understand why this is a rare benefit: family members are expected to care for other family members, although obviously this is not always true. Perhaps the wider extended family can chip in to provide pay to a family member who is indeed sacrificing financially to care for someone in the family. Families don't talk about this kind of thing very openly, and then resentment builds up, including conflicts that happen when the care recipient passes away and there are hurt feelings around inheritance, etc. 

 

Please feel free to write more about your predicament, here. There are smart folks here who can respond.

 

best of luck to you and your family,

Jane

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Info Seeker

Re: Financial Help

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Message 5 of 9
I noticed that the option of paying the family member to be the primary caregiver is not mentioned i recently had to deal with this issue and was heartbroken to realize that I only had so much income to pay a family member for my care does Medicare or insurance help with this sort of issue?
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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Financial Help

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Message 6 of 9

rc5209 wrote:

My 93 yer old mother has lived with my husband and i for the last 12 years (since her stroke).  We had a part time in home caregiver while I was at work.  Recently we had to move her to an assisted living home. It is a lovely home and I feel very comfortable with her care.  It doesn't look like she will be able to come home.

 

My question is: how do we afford this? Her savings will be gone within the next few months. Then it will be up to me, an only child.  Where can I get financial help?  Should I take out a mortgage on my house (plenty of equity). How much should I borrow? Should I be claiming her as a dependant on my income tax? I dont know where to start.


Hello there. 

Long term care finances in the united states of chaos is pretty darn complicated. Here are some suggestions, and some questions to ask.

 

One is to ask if the place she's in now accepts medicaid. Most don't. in which case, i would act quickly to find a place that does. and they usually have waiting lists. I used to be a geriatric care manager in montgomery county maryland which is a fairly wealthy suburb, and there were senior housing apartments which were well managed and pretty nice. Once a senior got in there as a resident, only 1/3 of his or her income had to go to rent. a FABULOUS deal. Mostly for independent seniors though.

 

To get to know what's available in your area, run do not walk to the dept of aging as another community member suggested. Go to www.eldercare.gov and type in her zip code and that will tell you which to go to. 

 

I would not put your own retirement or financial well being at risk. Each generation needs to look out for itself. Also, the US needs to do some public policy work on how to help out families just like yours. I'm not holding my breath.

 

An elderlaw attorney is an expert on taxes, deductions, investments, medicaid applications, for both your mom and you. they are not cheap but given your future, and hers are at stake, worth the expense. 

 

A cheaper path is to try a geriatric care manager, who can answer your questions about what is covered where. How to apply. Which group homes might be an options (much cheaper. but sometimes sketchy). Etc.  www.caremanager.org. 

 

are you overwhelmed yet? i hope not... what do you think is your next step?

 

keep writing, okay? we all learn from each other....

 

jane

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Info Seeker

Re: Financial Help

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Message 7 of 9

We are going through the same thing with my Mom.  I brought her from Illinois to GA so she will be closer to me and I can help take care of her.  Looking for assisted living near me and they are all very nice, but very, very expensive.  Her savings will run out within a year.  We were hit hard during the economic downturn and, in our 60's, we are trying to recover and prepare for the future.  I am working two jobs that I can mostly do from home, but they require some travel.  Have her with me now, but I have to find her a place to live.  Very stressful and scary...

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Valued Social Butterfly

Re: Financial Help

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Message 8 of 9

Sounds like she might have to quality for Medicaid in the state where she lives if she doesn't have enough income or assets to pay for care and it doesn't sound like you can readily help her out financially.

 

If you want to go this route - sometimes the Assisted Living social worker can give you the exact place to go - or you could contact the states Dept of Aging for assistance.  They will tell you if she is eligible after her complete financial picture is known and the types of programs they offer, depending upon her needs, and what facilities accept Medicaid payments for the care of the elderly.  It might or might not be the one where she is currently residing.

 

 

 

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Info Seeker

Financial Help

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Message 9 of 9

My 93 yer old mother has lived with my husband and i for the last 12 years (since her stroke).  We had a part time in home caregiver while I was at work.  Recently we had to move her to an assisted living home. It is a lovely home and I feel very comfortable with her care.  It doesn't look like she will be able to come home.

 

My question is: how do we afford this? Her savings will be gone within the next few months. Then it will be up to me, an only child.  Where can I get financial help?  Should I take out a mortgage on my house (plenty of equity). How much should I borrow? Should I be claiming her as a dependant on my income tax? I dont know where to start.

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