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- Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 yrs. old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked....
"Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right." I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me "Would you please tie my shoe?"
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On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. It read.....
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
******
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening, when a woman in a convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked !
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat.."Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
*******
A woman was trying to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it for her.
"Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from Mommies tummys, but how do they get there in the first place?"
After my son hemmed and hawed around for awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust..."You don't have to make up something Dad, it's okay if you don't know either."
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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me...I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.....Today it's called golf.
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Lexophile's cont.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN....
IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.
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"Lexophile"is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as.."You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish".... or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless". etc.
A competition is held each year to see who can come up with the best ones. Here are some of the entries:
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center, you;ve seen a mall.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just too tired.
to be cont.
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Confused Seniors cont.
SIGNS IN RESTAURANT:
Sorry we're closed due to short staff.
Patrons response sign:
Hire taller staff, I want a taco !
No senior citizen discounts.
You've had twice as long to get the money!
Do NOT use the microwave and toaster at the same time. It will throw the earth out of orbit and we'll plummet into the sun.
Thanks
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Is it any wonder seniors get confused?
SIGN ON MALL MAINTENANCE SHOP DOOR
We can repair anything..
Please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work.
RESTAURANT SIGN:
Buy one fish and chip for the price of two.
Receive a second one absolutely free!
SIGN ON OFFICE COPIER:
DO NOT USE ME
I'M POSSESSED
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More with Will Rogers:
10. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Some of his sage advice:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink up stream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money, is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgement comes from experperience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
* Don't squat with your spurs on !
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Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children...One day I entered the examing room to give a four-year-old her needle. "NO,NO,NO!" she screamed. "Lizzie", scolded her mother, "That's not polite behavior." With that, the little girl yelled even louder, 'NO THANK YOU, NO THANK YOU,!!"
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Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking,biking,and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged, "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
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As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked," My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
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Jiggs McDonald, NHL of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says.."I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it sould be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay,"The Turban Cowboy" and another, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit BBQ pork restaurant called "Iraq of Ribs"
"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called, "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods."
"Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop,"Koranal Knowledge", it's name in flashing neon lights,
and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us."
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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I am sorry, but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish...enough is enough! No where did they sing it in italian, Polish, Irish(Celtic), German or any other language because of immigration. It was written by Francis Scott Key and should be sung word for word the way it was written. ♥
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I hope they never find life on another planet..Because sure as hell, our government will start sending it money !
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AH, children.... A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
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Men are just happier people, what do you expect from such simple creatures?
1. You last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can never be pregnant.
6. You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.
7. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
8. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
9. The world is your urinal.
10. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
11. Same work, more pay.
12. Wedding dress $5000, tux rental $100.
13. People never stare at your chest when they are talking to you.
14. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
15. You can open all your own jars.
16. You can wear chorts no matter how your legs look.
17. The same hair style lasts you for decades.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
19. You can play with toys all your life.
20. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
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If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out to lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out to lunch, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
When the bill arrives, Mike,Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and no one will admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. YEP !!
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Some people just need a
good soak in the tub....
With a plugged in toaster ..
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that,
Is the beginning of a new argument!
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving cream,razor,a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these itmes.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $ 1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, " Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh, I lost 100 pounds !"
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Henny Youngman cont.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
The doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis ! "
The doctor said, "You'll live to be 60 !" "I AM 60 !" "See, what did I tell you?"
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Although he passed away in 1998, the jokes of Henny Youngman live on...
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send the other one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami..." she said, "We can't do that !. " I told her, "You did it last time."
"I was just in London..there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.... when I go to bed, I feel hungry."
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King !!"
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A man, who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago, returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken his space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very exitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told Police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit..
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If your gun cabinet takes up half of your living room.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonald's
You only bathe when it rains.
You think 'possum' is the other white meat.
You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas.
Your master bathroom has the words 'porta' and 'potty' written on the side.
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Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up your Camels, this is the Promised Land!"
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land.
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The following questions were set in laat year's GED exam. These are genuine answers ( from 16 yr. olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines on leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. What are steriods?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. ( shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultry. ( so true)
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. What does the word "benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of roudy drunks pull up alongside.
"Hey ! Show us your boobs, yer bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked,the Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are, show them your cross."
Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts.....
" Screw off yer fookin' little wonkers before I come over there and and rip yer balls off !"
She rolls her window back up and says to Mother Superior innocently......
"Was that cross enough?"
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