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Taking care of my extremely difficult elderly mom

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My name is Danny, and I just turned 71 years old.  My mom, Sylvia, who is 94, lives a relatively short distance away from me, and my wife Monica, but too far to walk, and it is difficult to get to her, even though I have a car, because it is impossible to find parking near her, I need two buses, if I go by public transportation, which leaves my only option, to take care service.  My wife and I live on Shore Road, near 94th Street, in Bay Ridge, and she lives on 65th Street, near 4th Avenue, in Sunset Park.

I am my mom's only child.  I have a son, who lives in Arizona, with his family.  I had a daughter, who died in 1996, at the age of 26.

My dad passed away, on June 3, 2009, and my mom has been living alone, since then, in the Towers of Bay Ridge.  My mom goes out each week day, to the Ovington Senior Center, a few blocks away, usually using a public bus, or walking, with a walker, for some socialization, and for their meal.  On Saturday, she takes care of odds and ends, usually going out, and on Sunday she usually goes to the Lutheran Church, a couple of blocks away.  Mind you, she is Jewish, but enjoys socializing, with the members of the church, as well as having their colation.

My wife, and I have tried to assist her, in everyway we could.  We had been bringing meals to her.  I have taken her to doctor appointments, and we have tried to socialize with her.  All of these things have never been appreciated, and she has consistantly found fault, with everything we did.

When I would call her, I would be annoying her, and checking up on her.  When I went to her house, she never had anything for me to do, so we would just sit and talk, often getting into an argument, and I'd leave her.

She is extremely negative, and critical of everyone, and everything, especially me, and my wife, and has been, as long as I can remember.  My first wife, Anne, who I'm divorced from since 1990, could not bare to be with her, and my dad, nor could our kids.  They never wanted to be with my parents, because they were constantly picking on them, for everything, as well as me.  My son is married, with three daughters, and is living in Arizona.  My 2nd wife, Monica, married since 2007, can't stand to be with my mom, either, because of her always finding fault with her, as well.  It never stops.

My son, and I have tried to work with her, to get her to accept having some professional help take care of her, which she would have to pay for, but she refuses, not only because of the cost, but because she doesn't trust anyone, including me. 

My mom, unfortunately can, and often has gotten physically violent towards me.  In my car, when going to, or returning from Doctor appointments, she has grabbed me, while I was driving, and almost caused an accident.  In her apartment, she has a tendancy to throw things, or look to hurt me, usually, any way she can.  In short, I don't, and can't trust her.  She looks to have a disagreement with me, and no matter how I try, I just can't get along with her, and I have tried to keep peace with her.  We had an argument, about a month ago, on the phone, when I was sick, with Vertigo, since she was insisting, that I come over, and take care of her.  Mind you, I couldn't even take care of myself, and my wife was doing everything, and had her hands full, since she has health problems, as well.  My mom didn't want to hear, or understand any of this. 

She has pushed everyone away from her, with her negative, critical, nasty, sometimes abusive behavior, and has no friends.

I can't say it's dementia, or alcheimers, because she has been this way as long as I know her.

I am tormented, because, she does need help, desperately.  The kind my wife, and I can't provide.  She needs someone with her, on a regular basis.  Her doctor recommended she have home care, and agencies have been trying to reach out to her, and they have been calling me, since she hasn't responded to any of them.  With her Emblem HIP VIP medical service, she can get someone for possibly 2 to 4 weeks, which they will cover, just to try it, but she won't do it.

Last year, my wife & I bought a very sophistcated monitor, for her to wear, with automatic fall detection, that was waterproof, as well, that she could go anywhere with, and she would have a person accessible 24 hours a day, for assistance, when needed, for a year, but she refused it, claiming she wasn't ready for something like that.  My wife and I had paid, for a year, for it, but we had to return it, fortunately for a full refund, after 30 days.  This was costly, but we tried, and it would have given us some peace of mind, by monitoring her, so she would never really be alone.  I have talked to so many professional people, trying to find a solution to this mess, and still have none. 

She looks to inconvenience us, anyway she can, just to make herself feel important.  It is very frustrating, and I am tormented by it.  No matter what I do, it is wrong.  I feel this is a lose, lose situation, and I am definitely open to suggestions. 

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