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Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.
Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves.
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a fast-food restaurant,
he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out that a shake isn't exactly the best snack
for someone who wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his order.
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4 (used to be 5’6) searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
I usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.
He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead he heard the following from one quick wit in the back,
"You got the right place!"
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came
down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magma **bleep** laud from law school,
are intelligent, and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one,
so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, the senior partner chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why
I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay
down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.
What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.
She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, “You don't scare me. I am married to your sister!”
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible,
instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.
Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred,
we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him
on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer
came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car
and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered,
"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.
He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A group of elementary school students were on a field trip to the local police station. Several of the children were fascinated by the wanted posters on the wall.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked the police officer giving them the tour
who the people on the wall were.
"Those are pictures of criminals we are looking for," answered the policeman.
"We call those wanted posters."
Little Johnny looked puzzled. He raised his hand back up into the air.
"Well," he wondered, "why didn't you just keep them when you took their pictures?"
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
- The cardiologist's diet... if it tastes good, spit it out.
- You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
- When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
STINGY OLD LAWYER
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point.
"Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.
"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."
"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.
"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."
"Guilty," snapped the judge.
"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.
"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"
The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle,
he invited all the animals for the wedding.
On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says,
The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?"
The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."
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Part puzzle, part blast from the past! Have fun with this weekly crossword chock full of retro clues from the 70s, 80s, 90s and early 2000s by crossword legend Stanley Newman, exclusively for AARP Members. Play now!
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