Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[LydiaN586309]

"And if you can't pick it up, just kick it under the couch!"

[LydiaN586309]

[DavidE760644]

Cook Like My Mother

"Darling," said the husband to his new bride, "I am not casting any reflections on your cooking,

but I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make."

"I don't think that should be too difficult," she said sweetly, "If you will learn to make

the dough my father used to make."

[DaveMcK]

Please note that I am speaking of an era!

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

This is How the Fight Started

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And THAT'S how the fight started.

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

This was posted by an English Facebook friend!

[DavidE760644]

They once created a street called Chuck Norris but had to change it.

No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

[LydiaN586309]

With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

—Maria Murillo

[LydiaN586309]

Let Me Think For a Second~

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup!"

[DavidE760644]

"Jake," said his employer, "you've done a lot of good things since you've been here.

I'm going to increase your pay five dollars a week."

"Thanks boss," replied Jake. "Would you mind putting that in writing?"

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

"I trust you boss," replied Jake. "It's my wife. If I say I got a five dollar raise,

she will think it's really fifteen. I just need proof."

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

Tomorrow is "Old 

coots giving advice 

day". So I'll be giving 

advise all day. It's

Probably bad advice. 

But it is free.

[DaveMcK]

HMMMMMMMM!

[DavidE760644]

A young man showed up to his date’s house and told her

they were going to have “an awesome time” that evening.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

“I got three tickets to a concert.”

“Why would we need three tickets?” his date asked.

“The tickets are for your parents and sister.”

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

TO CELEBRATE GROWING OLDER

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

[LydiaN586309]

ROMANCE, SENIOR-STYLE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[angeleyes64]

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, 

“Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”

“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer

coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”

“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

[DavidE760644]

Where Do Dates Grow
Little Johnny Jokes

The teacher asks the class: Where do apples grow?

Smart Samantha answers: On apple trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do pears grow?

Clever Curtis answers: On pear trees.

The teacher asks the class: Where do dates grow?

The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand and says:

On calendars?

[DavidE760644]

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.

After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30.

wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her,

"You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house,

I lost you to him in the card game tonight."

His wife became furious and started to give him hell.

She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"

He replied, "It was the hardest thing I ever done...

I had to fold with king hi four aces."

[DavidE760644]

My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," she scolded.

"My hair is awful," I said.

"It's lovely," she encouraged.

"I've never looked worse," I whined.

And she said, "Trust me sis, yes you have."

[DaveMcK]