Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[Brightpool]

A rough quote from George Burns (1896-1996) when he was about 98: "It's been a good life, so far. I hope the second half is just as good."

Stay well and enjoy!

[Brightpool]

Rich Man trying to get into Heaven

I paraphrased this joke as I remember it from Morey Amsterdam (1908-1996). I know it was on a TV appearance, probably in the '60s or '70s, but I don’t remember which TV show he was on at the time.

***

A rich man died and went to heaven. He pounded on the Pearly Gates and hollered out, “St. Peter, let me in! I’m a rich man and I can buy anything in the place!”

St. Peter approached the man, and asked, “So, you’re a rich man, huh? What did you ever do with all your millions while you were down there on Earth?”

“I gave a dollar to a charity, once.”

St. Peter turned to Gabriel, and asked, “Is that in the book?”

Gabriel looked in the Book of Life, and said, “Yes, that’s in here - 1 dollar to a charity.”

St. Peter turned back to the man, and asked, “What else did you do with all that money?”

“Well, a few years ago, while we were driving through a snow storm, I had my chauffeur pull over in front of an old lady in tattered clothing standing on the sidewalk. I rolled down my window and gave her a dollar to go buy herself something to help keep her warm.”

St. Peter turned to Gabriel, and asked, “Is that in the book, too?”

Gabriel looked in the book, and said, “Yes, that’s in here, right next to the other one.”

St. Peter asked, “Gabe! What do you think we should do with him?”

Gabriel looked at the man, then looked back in the book, and then at St. Peter. “Why don’t we give him back his 2 dollars and tell him to go to Hell?”

Stay well and enjoy!

[angeleyes64]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[dl73698250]

I guess you just have to be Norwegian to get this one. Ha Ha.

Disclaimer: This comment is NOT intended to promote racism/anti-immigrants/bigotry/isolationism. But, it is intended to raise awareness to the speech/listener problem and the Official Language.debate.

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

"I got my mind on my money and money on my mind."

[LydiaN586309]

Punchline:    If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her inside.

[LydiaN586309]

Punchline:   When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times. 

Eventually, they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

[LydiaN586309]

Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, are sitting on the couch watching TV. On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death etc. “Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to put an end to it.” “No problem hun,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.

[LydiaN586309]

Whoops!

I ran into a store leaving my elderly mother in the car. I was surprised when at the cashier I saw my mother there. "What are you doing here?" I asked,  "I left the car running." 

"Don’t worry," momma said, "I locked the doors!"

[DaveMcK]

Listen To Your Doctor
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"..ooh!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

"You talkin' to me?  You talkin' to Me?" says Doggy Deniro

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Sleep study no less

Sleep study no less

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

[cn5621]

Something I read: Growing up with an outhouse is a humbling experience. It's like bungee jumping--I'm glad I did it, but I don't want to do it again.