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[Anonymous]

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WE cry, rejoice, talk, share!

Whatever YOU need, WE are here for YOU.

***YOU are a very SPECIAL person and WE want to hear from YOU***

Grief & Loss Team 🤗

[jimbohretired]

Losing a spouse is tough. I lost the love of my love after 53 years of marriage.

But we had many good years. I am SO thankful that we took SS early (my wife's family did not have longevity. )We were able to travel - road trips, cruises and a couple of trips to Europe. As we aged Jan became less able to travel. Was in a wheel chair whenever we left the home (in the last 7 years). We visited our children many many times over the years either tied to a road trip or flying. Jan was in failing health after her first stroke in 2017 but could continue to be functional. Over the years she had many challenges  including a kidney transplant, hip replacement, two strokes, colon cancer, and two broken shoulders from falls. But Jan made the most of it - she was a trooper!!!!!  I can not emphasize this enough !!!! Get your "doing" in early as you never know what the future holds. We were lucky to have about 10 great retirement years with lots of blessings over that time.

It does seems that the emptiness of the home and the missing of your loved one never seem to go completely away. I am blessed to have two children close with a third in Chicago. And they are attentive and call often.

One other bit of advice - we purchased long term care insurance that we used for probably 4 years. This allowed us to have caregivers in the home. The cost for the care would have been prohibitive without it (About $6,500 a month)

Lastly I am now without my wife for two years. I have had to push myself to get out of the home. Some of the things that I have done that may help you...

I bike two hours a day -one hour of that with friends-and will often talk to my son for a good part of the other hour. 

I take a circuit training class MWF each week.

I volunteer at the church Thursday mornings - do clean up and have coffee with the other volunteers.

 I have been blessed to have two couples that have been very supportive. I will spend an evening at a minimum once and sometimes 2X a week with them.

Lastly, I now finally have begun to  invite people to my home and this is a challenge for me.

Probably the most difficult thing for me is to go to functions by myself. Most everyone else that attends is with their spouse.

All for now hope this helps in some small way.

[Cadee2719]

Jim, I am sorry for your loss.  You have shared a wealth of information.  I, too, tell others to do the things you want to do while you are young.  My husband and I had the opportunity to travel and enjoyed seeing Europe, Australia, cruises to Alaska and Mexico as well as seeing most of the United States.  At the age of 60 he had a stroke and had to retire.  I, as his caregiver, gave up my position at a local University to care for him.  Our trips then became many visits to Las Vegas (he loved to gamble 😊), which was his only joy in life along with seeing our family.  Our life was limited and then he was diagnosed with lung cancer.  The caretaking increased as time went on with him ending up in Hospice Care at home.  I, too believe in Long Term Insurance as the costs of care are very expensive.  Hospice care was brutal and I pray I will never have to experience it again.  At the death of our son, he went downhill quickly and died six months later.  He has been dead 10 months today.  I am not where you are in the recovery yet.  I am working hard at building a new life for myself.  I live in a state where I am not safe (even though I live in what once was a beautiful, safe neighborhood) and in the process of moving out of state along with my remaining son.  I am hoping that at our new homes, I can begin to meet people, get involved in the community, volunteer and build a life.  I miss being able to go out into the community and walk the streets in my neighborhood to shops and restaurants safely.  I miss my son, I miss my husband of 62 years this November, and I miss my brother that died a month before my husband.  Your words are encouraging to me.  You give a blueprint to healing which I will remember.  Thank You for sharing with us.

[BeatleloverKT]

Thinking of you on this difficult day. You are striving to make your life better and for that you should be proud. I wish you peace and pleasant memories today 💜🙏

[jonibee]

Jim..I am so sorry for your loss of your wife. I am coming up to the one year anniversary in Nov. Not a day goes by that i don't think of him. We would have celebrated our 64th weddng anniversary on Sept. 5th but that was not to be..I am happy to say that we had 63 years together and who could ask for more...I keep busy with my hobbies when possible but lately a monkey wrench has been thrown into the works as i just was diagnosed with carpel tunnel in both hands and have been referred to a specialist of which I'm waiting for an appt. So no knitting/ reading as holding a book brings on spasms/pain but I do manage to get out in the yard to take pictures of the seasonal changes flowers/trees/ birds/animals etc. which brings me joy to look at when uploaded to the computer also spending a short time on it as too much typing brings on spasms also..You are dealing with your grief in the best way and coutos to you for doing so..i hope the remaining years will be good to you in all ways..It's nice to have some place to go to ..to share your thoughts...

[BeatleloverKT]

@jimbohretired I’m sorry for your loss. It’s been 5 years for me and it’s still very hard some days. You were blessed with a long marriage and had some retirement years together. Sadly I was still working when my husband passed. And you’re keeping busy in the community and with your friends and that is a great thing. Entertaining in your home is a brave thing, I could not do that. So all things considered, you’re doing well. Keep all that up and good luck to you on this journey no one wants to take. Keep us posted along the way 

[Cadee2719]

I pray that everyone in Florida will be safe from the storm.  

[BeatleloverKT]

@SpringIsHereVA I’m glad you got that sorted out. Insurance stuff is a mess. I never believe any letter they send me. The more informed one is, the better. So stressful tho

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[KimberlyM389662]

My daughter is having a cookout Saturday as a meet Beasley and celebrating my 55th birthday. But nothing special on my birthday. I used to work on it unless Labor day fell on it. The only one that was really special was on my 21st. My grandmother promised to take us to dinner wherever I wanted to go. We used to have a restaurant here that had 2 million in artwork back in '89 so can you imagine how much it is worth today? The reason why that was so special was 1-my parents got me a happy birthday bouquet that had a horn and everything. I still have the card and the horn to this day because my Dad died almost 1 month after I turned 21. My dad will be gone 34 years on October 1st. So during dinner my dad and I had a beer. My Dad rarely and I mean rarely drank because his Dad was an alcoholic so that is a good memory for me. 

[BeatleloverKT]

This is from October. They are not cooperating on

this trip, well it’s really only one of them lol. Front is Zeke aka Mr. Uncooperative, to left in back is Ned and on the right is Noah 💜💜💜

[Therapist4u]

DOGGEH B SAYN...

Ned to the left of me

Noah to the right

Here I am Mr. Uncooperative

Stuck in the middle with

@BeatleloverKT😀

[BillH490171]

Nice pic and they are an attentive pack...

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[mc6844]

I'm sorry for everyone's losses. I know how hard it us to keep on going, after these changes. A widow friend reminds me often that God still has you here on earth for a reason. Somebody still needs you! I think it's m

---

@SpringIsHereVA wrote:

(1 comment) ⚠️  GROUP CHAT TIME!

(1) Anyone besides OUR Beatle @BeatleloverKT TRAVELING? 🤔

(2) OUR Mascot Beasley 🐕 has a vet's appointment THIS THURSDAY (8/31/23). MOM Kimberly @KimberlyM389662  has promised to update us on his visit.

(3) FLORIDA. Anyone have family, know someone there or own property? 🤔 I pray this Want To Be A Hurricane goes out to the ocean. Last year, 2022 - too many older folks lost EVERYTHING thanks to Hurricanes Ian and Nicole. 😥

(4) And anything else you guys want to chat about or share. Still hoping OUR Beatle gets around to posting a picture of her 3 ADORABLE granddogs 🐕🐕🐕 - yes, that is a hint Beatle. 🙄🙄🙄

Grief & Loss Team 💚🙏🤗

---

[BeatleloverKT]

I can definitely take a hint lol. Hoping the hurricanes don’t affect you 🤞🙏

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[SueS788527]

Hi, Nicole, there is power in this AARP Grief Forum, and I am happy that you have taken the lead to encourage others to help others.  I have found that gratitude and self-less behavior has helped me to heal and not immerse myself in self-pity.  We are the village/community with broader reach and potential beyond our own suffering.  Love, Sue

[SueS788527]

Hi, everyone, I am recently seeing that a number of my friends and acquaintances are getting sick or in accidents.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, we are all still very fragile and vulnerable.  Anxiety could be high as well leading to health matters. I have found that many of these people are alone, and no one seems to be reaching out to them to find out how they are. doing. Lately I have been making short but frequent phone calls to them, just to let them know I care.  Depending on the situation, I may not go into how they are feeling.  I just say I have been thinking of you.  That has meant a lot to them and hopefully given them some comfort in their time of need.  Unfortunately for them, they don't belong to the AARP Grief Forum, so they are on their own.  Not good and we probably know who they are.  Please set aside some quality time with them.  They will appreciate it.  Have a good day.  Sue

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[mc6844]

My friends and family keep in close touch with text and phone calls. I'm always happy to hear their news, good and otherwise. I think we forget that they look forward to keeping in touch with us, a trusted familiar source of hope and encouragement. 

Also vanilla ice cream is my favorite. It makes me feel better. And is easy to eat. Along with caramels covered in chocolate. Cookies and cake not so much. Mac n cheese is good. Meat is too much. Wait a minute, isn't the above my usual daily diet? Lol Why not, you only live once. Most importantly I just get going with the day no matter how I feel. Well, some days don't quite make it. But that's the way it goes.

[BeatleloverKT]

Me too. We have a need for that topic 👍

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[BeatleloverKT]

I was depressed long before John died.
I had just never addressed it. After he died, I went to pieces. I was crying everywhere I went. Even to my Dr. Who finally put me on an antidepressant. I didn’t really want it and have found out it’s not a cure all but I’m better on it then off of it. And that I was told by my two sons.I have a few close friends I can vent to anytime I need to and am very close to my brother, who texts me everyday to see how I am. I try to surround myself with positive people. Negativity just makes me feel worse. And music is a major help to me as well.

And of course there’s always chocolate

🤣 

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[BeatleloverKT]

All we can do is try. I am a work in progress still. Meds are not for everyone. And chocolate helps in all situations lol

[BillH490171]

Hey, count me in..

Bill

[SpringIsHereVA]

One Step At A Time 🤗

[BillH490171]

Hey Nicole, I sure wish I had a magic wand or a prophetic response. For me so far, I look to refocus on something else.  I may go for a walk, watch a TV show, heck I've even gone to the mall so shop.  I find that getting out around people even strangers can help lift my spirits. For me, I realize that not changing my setting really helped out.  Depression will be there for us and having a few tools in your tool bag can help.

Grief is just a crappy part of our lives and there no way around it. Depression rides along too.  I've called my sister and brother once in a while too.  

I guess, I'd just suggest get up and get out and leave it behind for a bit.

I'm working on a welcome speech (short as it can be) for my wife's memorial in a couple weeks.  Its no fun, but we all want our spouses to be proud of us.  She'll hear it and smile..

Bill

[mc6844]

Bill I hope you and your adult kids have a nice memorial. We had one by the water with lots of flowers strewn. I realized how my kids and their spouses and my grandchildren needed a structured focus for the event. Maybe because it was outside. Their Dad was a Veteran. I played Amazing Grace and Flowers of the Forest by Dark Isle Bagpiper on youtube, and a sacred hymn. I started with having the youngest grandchild putting her flower in the water. And so on to the oldest one. Then my youngest adult child and spouse up to the oldest one and his spouse. The music made a good focus for grieving, and not tacky as I was afraid it could be. I asked my children to instruct the grandchildren that it was a somber occasion and to be respectful at all times. Which of course they did. Their Dad is in the military and they're well acquainted with loss. This particular son read a text from the Navy funeral services. We all struggled with memories of deployments in the family. For me, it was my son's deployments. The visual focus of the flowers floating towards the sanctuary of a cove was beautiful and comforting for all. It was a small cohesive service. I was surprised and honored to receive a flag from a Navy representative. We opted for cremation and small family/friends memorial. I wanted the kids to remember their Dad with respect. He'd been sick for a long time. And not the person he once was. I'm sure he was proud of them all that day as always. 

I'm sure it will be fine for your family as well.

[SueS788527]

Hi, Bill, good hearing from you.  I guess we are all struggling with our grief.  I like your ideas of getting out, which I have been doing too.  I wanted to offer some ideas on your wife's memorial speech.  I put a short revelation together right after my husband died and was at a loss on what to say.  I kept it short too and incorporated a lot of comments from friends, neighbors and business acquaintances who knew him.  It ended up being very genuine and a tribute to him and his longstanding good relations.  Also, I strongly believe that all our loved ones are still with us in spirit and smiling down on us. That is why I planted some bushes and perennials that he loved, so I can remember the good times when were together enjoying the garden.  Good luck with the memorial services.  It will be a blessing and challenge, at least it was for me, but I felt better afterwards.  Your friend, Sue