The Right Fit for Positive Healing during Grief

[SueS788527]

Hi, all, especially Nicole and Marcy, who recently posted about the right support group.  As I was thinking about the success of my grievance group, which I am happy about, I also remember that initially I joined a number of other support groups as well.  They all didn't fit my needs, particularly shortly after my husband died.  In fact, as posted before, I was pretty much in a daze for several months.  I knew I needed support to find some constructive ways to address my grief, but naively thought all support groups or individuals involved with grieving were equally committed. Not so.  My experience is that it is healthy and natural to experiment during this critical grief period.  The word experiment is actually accurate.  Some interactions will be better than hoped for and others will not.  If you run into situations that are not helpful to you and may in fact be disappointing, don't give up.  Realize, like a date, not all interactions result in positive connections.  It is more than right to walk away from them and find out other sources of support.  The same goes for volunteering.  I previously posted that one of the volunteer groups I joined and donated funds to was very disappointing.  I met the Board of Directors who openly laughed and made fun of seniors experiencing housing difficulties.  One of them actually said that the old lady was probably making it up.  I guess to get attention?  What a sick way to look at that.  Since then I have taken a hiatus from that volunteer group.  Recently, I had another negative interaction with them and now have decided to move on.  There are many other worthy groups out there who are sincere about their mission.  It is not in my best interest to stay with a toxic group.  So, the bottom line is to be happy, find your calling and comfort zone and don't be afraid to move on if a certain group doesn't meet your needs.  You deserve the best and should not settle for less.  Good luck, Sue

[SummerIsTooHOT]

(Nicole deleted her comment)

[SueS788527]

hI, Nicole, thank you for reinforcing many of the topics we have discussed and asked questions about.  It has now been over 2 years since my husband died.  I am still in grief pain but have made some progress in reorienting myself.  I finished GriefShare which was very helpful during a difficult time of my life, probably the most difficult and alone time ever.  Now I am still looking for continued grief support (and the continued right fit).  I am still with my Partner in Loss group, which has become a primary support group for all of us as we tackle many new health issues.  It has helped to know that we can count on each other.  Unfortunately, this support is limited to this group.  Ideally, I would like to broaden my network and am doing so by becoming more engaged in volunteering.  I am now in some new volunteer groups, which is very helpful in taking me out of my own day to day worries.  I have found it is always beneficial for me to help others and try to make a difference.  My new purpose and identity still allude me and that is a challenge.  But like everything else, it will take time and perhaps experimenting will help me better understand what is appropriate for me.  The journey continues, but as I have said many times before, knowing I can participate in this forum makes a huge difference in my life.  Good luck, your friend, Sue

[SummerIsTooHOT]

(Nicole deleted her comment)

[SueS788527]

Hi, Nicole, I have become to believe that a combination of social interactions as well as private time for reflection works for me.  I think we need the connection with others who are also grieving to learn and become more comfortable in what to expect.  It also helps us realize that we are not the only ones experiencing the pain of the loss.  For instance, my hospice partner in loss group found out that we all wake up at 3 am, at least early in the grief cycle.  We laughed and said maybe we should text each other and have a grief session.  This realization helped lighten the burden and made us realize we are all human.  So, to answer your question, I would use the Self-Help books and workout sections if that helps you.  I would also reach out to trusted sources (and that takes some experimentation and does not happen overnight) to discuss important matters to you that may not be appropriate to discuss in a broader group setting.  Stephen Ministers can play that role.  All conversations are confidential, and that person is committed to be on the grief journey with you as long as you need them.  It is a good option for meaningful discussions.  Don't worry, Nicole.  Asking your questions shows you want to take care of yourself during this difficult time. That shows great progress. Please make sure you get what you need.  In my humble opinion, I don't think this can be done alone. Keep on the course, your friend, Sue

[EricC28201]

Hi Sue, I've read your posts on this thread more than once.  They seem very sensible to me especially in light of the paradox involved with how our culture deals with grief.  It is so ritualized and at times equated with weakness that there is an unhealthy complacency and lack of respect for the experience.  It is commonplace, unavoidable and intimately personal all at the same time.

As a person dealing with grief it is important to never let anyboby negate what we are going through or feeling.  There is no need to make a fight out of every experience...usually it is best just to move on even if it is with an 'I will just let them act stupid' attitude.

(just to be clear...not saying that's your attitude)

[SueS788527]

Hi, Eric, I couldn't agree with you more.  Finding (and knowing) the right fit has been one of my greatest challenges since my husband died.  At first, I was so naive that I "assumed" my friends and Church clergy, and members would be there for me.  As the articles state, once the funeral is over it is pretty much Hasta LaVista (hope I spelled that right) 😉. It took me quite a while to realize that I don't' have to interact with people who don't care or worse are there to rush me to get over it, criticize, judge, etc.   One day I realized that I needed to empower myself to handle those situations.  That's where it gets tricky.  If you don't know those people or never intend to interact with them again, then by all means walk away knowing it is the right thing to do for your own well-being.  It becomes harder if you will be interacting or want to interact with them going forward.  What then?  I have been navigating those turbulent waters now and don't have an answer that fits all situations.  It is a matter of giving certain interactions another chance.  I have done that recently with better results. I have come to terms with the fact that we are all human with our frailties and biases.  If you can live with that knowledge, you could actually resume and hopefully improve the relationship if the other party is willing.  It is a dance where everyone has to participate and be willing to keep in step. Yes, you are right many of these folks will only truly understand our situation when they face their own issues.  I have seen that as well.  So, at the end of the day, we chose who we want to spend time with and in what way.  We deserve that kind of freedom and peace of mind.  Grieving is hard enough without taking on excess baggage.  Glad you are thinking about this issue in a pragmatic way.  Good luck, Sue

[SummerIsTooHOT]

(Nicole deleted her comment)

[SueS788527]

Hi, Nicole, that is a great question.  When my husband first died, I got no meaningful support, real or otherwise, from my "friends" and church directly after the funeral services.  The church put on a grieving series during Lent which was a disaster.  That session was online.  To answer your question, what has mattered to me was the quality and integrity of the supporters.  You can do it in person or online (or over the phone) grievance sessions, if there is genuine interest and competence on the other end of the conversation.  That is where the proper fit idea comes in.  In my continued journey, I have also grown and discovered my needs have evolved as well.  Initially, I thought any support was good, but that was a mistake.  That is why it is good to experiment and only interact with individuals who are nonjudgmental and truly empathetic.  In my case, the combination of the AARP Grief Forum with other support has provided me a good balance.  I find I am learning more and getting better insight from folks like you and others on this forum.  Perhaps I have become more discerning.  Don't know.  Just find a safe environment and enjoy the present company if possible.  The flipside is to quickly jettison nonproductive and toxic people. Then there is the middle group where you want to give individuals a chance to know them better.  In many cases, these types of interactions fall in the grey area and can improve with time.  The main point is to stay the way you are - interested and people oriented and build on that strong foundation.  It is not always easy, but worth the effort.  Good luck, your friend, Sue 💝