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For the past several months Iโve been having my ears bent on a regular basis by three F2F acquaintances. Two of them going through the grieving process due to the loss of loved one(s). Guided by a belief that I can be more helpful by listening than by commenting or advising.
Oddly enough they both got fed up with hearing me say, "I'm not trained or licensed to provide Mental Health Services so it's best if I just listen" at about the same time. And they both said pretty much the same thing, ' I'm not interested in Book Smarts, I'm interested in your experience,'. (single quotes because I am paraphrasing).
One of them made the comment after relating that she was having difficulty with old memories resurfacing with a strong emotional component. She asked me if I had experienced the same thing and, if so, what I had done. I shared that I relied mostly on three things: Writing them down. Prayer...not asking for them to be removed, but giving them over to a higher power. Meditation incorporating visualization. Then rereading the written account and tearing it up and throwing it (when it felt appropriate) into the Composter. The one caveat (possibly a mistake) I stated was that while mitigating unpleasant memories, I still had to suppress a chuckle or laugh at times that others considered inappropriate because of context when it was a humorous memory.
The other, a very stoic fellow, made the comment after saying he was tired of being told he was 'In Denial' and needed to 'Accept' that his wife had passed away so he could move on with the grieving process. I had a similar experience. "Denial" implies a conscious effort like Climate or Vaccine Deniers. To me it was more like Anticipation, Delayed Reaction or waiting for an inevitable storm. I got so tired of having my perception and feelings on the matter negated by people who thought they knew, or portrayed themselves as professionals who actually knew what they were talking about that they became liabilities to my process. I had to shed them, or at least curtail our interaction. ...Only time since I met him years ago that the guy has hugged me. And he said thanks.
Hopefully this post will give some encouragement to people who get a boost from being able to see a proverbial Light at the End of The Tunnel. (If not, don't look at the charts at the end)
A couple of things have occurred to me as I have been writing this. One is that our culture is trending, rapidly, toward the mistaken view that natural neurological processes like Grief and PTS are forms of mental illness that amount to weakness or vulnerability. We seem to be overlooking the exceedingly strong (and obvious) likelihood that people who do not experience these processes (or experience them so mildly that they are readily overlooked) may have a far more dangerous form of mental illness generally defined as Antisocial Personality Disorder that is passed off as โcommitmentโ, โdeterminationโ or โstrengthโ. Generally speaking, this kind of oversight could have catastrophic consequences for the evolution of human culture, society, and in the end, humanity as a whole.
The other is that of the two dreams I described in an earlier post, the dragon dream may have indicated a transition to the Moving On (Acceptance) stage of the process. Still no clue what pulling a peacock tail feather out of my chin while shaving represented.
All the more reason to listen carefully more than talk when supporting somebody else.
๐ธ A picture attached ๐ธ of horse Eric @EricC28201 mentions in his post!!! ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฑ
[*** ERIC @EricC28201 wrote:I came across this last night while listenening to music and found it to be uplifting. I hope it helps somebody else as well:
Bill Monroe - This World Is Not My Home
And just out of curiosity, as the photo zooms out does it look like there is a horse walking up a tree slightly left of center? ***]
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