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re: How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 11 of 17
In Response to post:

  I agree with Rae and I suffer the same karma with my two daughters.  I live in a different state than they do so daily contact isnt possible in person.  When I fly down there a few times a year, I invariably get into a snit with one or the other.  I leave immediately, wounded and go home to lick my wounds and again, I am not on communicating terms with one.  It does leave scars for all, I understand what you mean.  I dont what to do about it either.


 

  Gosh we share the same hurt.  I have two daughters as well and we go through the same things.  I have learned to back off from them and turn the table on them to mirror their behaviour.  They can not stand that and though it hurts and I miss them I wait until they come around and start all over again.


Thank you for responding hope we can chat again.


 

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re: How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 12 of 17
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 Dear Debster,  You just keep loving you.  No one can love you if you can't love yourself.  It sure would be nice if family could each treat us like our friends do, but in reality, it just doesn't happen that often.  Your friends see you for you and like what they see, and you are worth everything that the person that stands on either side of you, the same as the one in front and the one behind you.  It is to bad that you family is blind to what your friends see in you.  Hang back, maybe they will miss you, you being you, no different for family than for your friends, you have to be true to yourself.  In doing so you can love yourself.  Hopefully one day your family  will see you for what you are, if not it will be their loss.  But don't keep "using" yourself for their needs until they recognize you for you.  Debster, I am not always right, but I do know you have to like and love yourself before anyone else can.  My thoughts, heart and prayers go out to you Debster.  Your Friend....RaeDi

  Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts.  I did not think I would get a reply I was venting and trying to put my feelings into words.  I am certainly glad that you read my words and responded in such a kind manner.  You mirror what many have told me.  Again many many thanks. (P.S.  I had a good day today)

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re: How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 13 of 17
In Response to post:

  I agree with Rae and I suffer the same karma with my two daughters.  I live in a different state than they do so daily contact isnt possible in person.  When I fly down there a few times a year, I invariably get into a snit with one or the other.  I leave immediately, wounded and go home to lick my wounds and again, I am not on communicating terms with one.  It does leave scars for all, I understand what you mean.  I dont what to do about it either.


 

 I went through something like that. My daughter saw half of our family dysfunction and did not seem to be able to understand that there was part she was not seeing.  There was a lot of pain during the years I watched other relatives manipulate her and punish her when they could not reach me, and her way of handling it was to cut off so completely that I could not know if she was ok or not, and the relatives who inserted themselves into the relationship played cruel games with that.


Closure finally came after we were able to have enough communication to make it clear to me that she is past their manipulation and she is making her own decisions and taking care of herself. She imitates them, though, by talking to me as if I am beneath her and she considers it my failure when I refuse to "behave" according to her rules. She is her father's daughter more than mine, and he is a terribly narcissistic person. 


Debster, if your family treats you as a "resource" instead of as a "person", then maybe you should think about how much "narcissism" might be part of their make-up. Narcissists don't acknowledge others as  fully human. Everyone is a "useful object" for a narcissist.


I am not the kind of person my daughter  likes, and she is not the kind I like. But we do not bring children into the world to make lifetime teddybears of them. If we have raised them so they can take care of themselves and live their lives completely, then we have done our job. And we are not responsible for the other family members' impact on our children, even when we feel responsible for having failed to successfully protect them. If we saw a danger and tried our best, then that is all we could have done.


As far as what hurts, well, Debster, this sounds tough and insensitive but there is only one thing you can do: get over it.


None of the people who hurt you are feeling any pain. You are the one who is feeling pain.  They have moved on because they don't care.  They are not living your life, you are.


 


 

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re: How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 14 of 17
In Response to How do you let go of what hurts?:

  As much as I try  I fall into the same trap of wanting to be a part of the family.  I think I go over board by trying to be the go to person for everyone.  However, I am always measured so with one slip of imperfection I am ostricized which is so devastanting for me.  I tried therapy and was told I am a resource and when I am not needed I am let go.  I paid for the realization yet I do not think I accepted it to be the truth.  I know deep in my heart that it is the truth but how do you accept that as a fact when it entails your family. 


How do I protect my heart.  Usually I shut down and like a turtle I disappear into the shell only to stick my head out when I think I can be useful.  I try disecting myself to come up with a rational reason as to why this keeps happening usually being extra hard on myself until I convince myself that "this too shall pass".  It usally does but not without leaving scars. 


I know from the amount of good - great friends that I have that I am a good person an a genuine friend to all that I come in contact.  This keeps me going.  Yet I suffer the pain often when I interact with my family.  I continue to rebound telling myself to let it go and let them go!  I think I am worth being happy and I love me and knowing this keeps me strong!

  I agree with Rae and I suffer the same karma with my two daughters.  I live in a different state than they do so daily contact isnt possible in person.  When I fly down there a few times a year, I invariably get into a snit with one or the other.  I leave immediately, wounded and go home to lick my wounds and again, I am not on communicating terms with one.  It does leave scars for all, I understand what you mean.  I dont what to do about it either.


 

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re: How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 15 of 17
In Response to How do you let go of what hurts?:

  As much as I try  I fall into the same trap of wanting to be a part of the family.  I think I go over board by trying to be the go to person for everyone.  However, I am always measured so with one slip of imperfection I am ostricized which is so devastanting for me.  I tried therapy and was told I am a resource and when I am not needed I am let go.  I paid for the realization yet I do not think I accepted it to be the truth.  I know deep in my heart that it is the truth but how do you accept that as a fact when it entails your family. 


How do I protect my heart.  Usually I shut down and like a turtle I disappear into the shell only to stick my head out when I think I can be useful.  I try disecting myself to come up with a rational reason as to why this keeps happening usually being extra hard on myself until I convince myself that "this too shall pass".  It usally does but not without leaving scars. 


I know from the amount of good - great friends that I have that I am a good person an a genuine friend to all that I come in contact.  This keeps me going.  Yet I suffer the pain often when I interact with my family.  I continue to rebound telling myself to let it go and let them go!  I think I am worth being happy and I love me and knowing this keeps me strong!

 Dear Debster,  You just keep loving you.  No one can love you if you can't love yourself.  It sure would be nice if family could each treat us like our friends do, but in reality, it just doesn't happen that often.  Your friends see you for you and like what they see, and you are worth everything that the person that stands on either side of you, the same as the one in front and the one behind you.  It is to bad that you family is blind to what your friends see in you.  Hang back, maybe they will miss you, you being you, no different for family than for your friends, you have to be true to yourself.  In doing so you can love yourself.  Hopefully one day your family  will see you for what you are, if not it will be their loss.  But don't keep "using" yourself for their needs until they recognize you for you.  Debster, I am not always right, but I do know you have to like and love yourself before anyone else can.  My thoughts, heart and prayers go out to you Debster.  Your Friend....RaeDi

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How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 16 of 17

  As much as I try  I fall into the same trap of wanting to be a part of the family.  I think I go over board by trying to be the go to person for everyone.  However, I am always measured so with one slip of imperfection I am ostricized which is so devastanting for me.  I tried therapy and was told I am a resource and when I am not needed I am let go.  I paid for the realization yet I do not think I accepted it to be the truth.  I know deep in my heart that it is the truth but how do you accept that as a fact when it entails your family. 


How do I protect my heart.  Usually I shut down and like a turtle I disappear into the shell only to stick my head out when I think I can be useful.  I try disecting myself to come up with a rational reason as to why this keeps happening usually being extra hard on myself until I convince myself that "this too shall pass".  It usally does but not without leaving scars. 


I know from the amount of good - great friends that I have that I am a good person an a genuine friend to all that I come in contact.  This keeps me going.  Yet I suffer the pain often when I interact with my family.  I continue to rebound telling myself to let it go and let them go!  I think I am worth being happy and I love me and knowing this keeps me strong!

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How do you let go of what hurts?

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Message 16 of 17

  As much as I try  I fall into the same trap of wanting to be a part of the family.  I think I go over board by trying to be the go to person for everyone.  However, I am always measured so with one slip of imperfection I am ostricized which is so devastanting for me.  I tried therapy and was told I am a resource and when I am not needed I am let go.  I paid for the realization yet I do not think I accepted it to be the truth.  I know deep in my heart that it is the truth but how do you accept that as a fact when it entails your family. 


How do I protect my heart.  Usually I shut down and like a turtle I disappear into the shell only to stick my head out when I think I can be useful.  I try disecting myself to come up with a rational reason as to why this keeps happening usually being extra hard on myself until I convince myself that "this too shall pass".  It usally does but not without leaving scars. 


I know from the amount of good - great friends that I have that I am a good person an a genuine friend to all that I come in contact.  This keeps me going.  Yet I suffer the pain often when I interact with my family.  I continue to rebound telling myself to let it go and let them go!  I think I am worth being happy and I love me and knowing this keeps me strong!

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