Regular Contributor


Fear is that you?
Don't hide behind fear—Love

Dorcas C. Chandler


My eyes begin to scan around the dark and motionless room. What is that I hear?  My mind is racing as though it is trying to catch up with a flicker of lighting on a winter and cloudy day.  No matter how hard I try to ease my tense and tormented mind, I can only reflect on my fears and inward pain.  The pain is so thunderous, it is flashing through my tender soul and ripping me apart, piece by piece.   Stop it!  Stop it! I shout with distress, and I turn and place my trembling hands on my troubling head trying to relieve my pain, but to no avail.


 is that you I hear so clearly?  Are you the one who stands at my door and continue to point your shady finger in my face. Are you the one who keeps reminding me that I was refused by another and what a failure I am?  Do you stand and tell me how worthless and insignificant I am. You also accuse me of having no value and your assessment of me is of no worth.  Are those your words I keep hearing? Do you keep making me anxious and uneasy, and keep me restless in the middle of the night.  Rejection is that you? 



Destructive and negative thoughts float through my mind.  As my thoughts continue to travel, I become more and more frustrated.  I am so irritated and disturbed that I can hardly think.  There were times when I would become so resentful that the anger and fear would spring up in my offended heart like an uncontrollable flood gate had been open.  Life has not been fair.  I am left alone trapped inside a body with pain and distress, and yet no one seems to notice or even care. My friend, the one who has placed me here, has gone on with life and here I sit as an injured party. 



Who injured me?  Who was the one who did this to me?  I became so paranoid, suspicious and fearful of others that I decided to hide behind fear.  To cover myself I would be sarcastic and mock others to avoid the pain inside me. What a victim I am. I have been mistreated, persecuted and trampled by another.   When I hide, I receive comfort, when I turn to the light, I become afraid. Teacher can you come and instruct me.  Can you show me the way out.



I feel so guilty for my actions.  I feel guilty for being hurt. I blame myself even when my heart knows what is really right.  I can never do enough. I will never be good enough.  It is me who performs, even if I don’t feel like it is the right thing to do.  I aim to please even when it is hurting me.  I never reach the point to think for myself. I leave that to another because I never want to feel guilt and rejection like I did before.



Sitting staring at the pale walls that were once blacken by the mind-set that I had, I can now see the light dimly shining through darkness.   I can hear the teacher walking into the room.  Rest my child, rest.  You see my child; you are encompassed with so many fears.  When fear enters you heart, it brings torment.    As your teacher and friend, I will never make you hide.  I never point fingers of guilt, rejection or anger at you.  I come to set the captive free. One thing I want to tell you is: "Don't Hide behind Fear!" Always Love.  Perfect Love casts out all fear.   I love you more than anything in this world:  Now Go and LOVE YOU!  You are mine-A love letter from GOD. Be encouraged…


Sadly, from my experience with a senior who is dealing with this form of depression, She doesn't see the last paragraph or it doesn't compute, or the hall of mirrors distracts Her again from the signs of hope seeking to find her / Find Herself. 


That said, it is available to those of us who are circling the black hole of depression. Those who have not completely fallen into the depth.  It is there for us to armor ourselves and gird our minds and hearts against that darkness and remember, if we do stumble, there is hope and our ability to choose again, ... perhaps, choose again more wisely.


Thank you. 

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