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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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@saucykicker wrote:

From a daughter's perspective; hope it helps!

 

My mother and father had no such plan. As an adult child, I had to help them make those decisions, which ultimately were never made.

 

It’s very difficult for the child to assist, especially if the parents don’t want to be bothered. What happens is, the child can get saddled with a lot of stuff they shouldn’t be. OR there could be painful conversations when the parent is already dealing with fore-knowledge of their impending death...even if it is more than 12 months out.>>

 

Don't pass the buck! It’s not just for yourself that you make those decisions—when to stop driving, when to downsize, when to move into assisted or retirement living. It’s kind of the last thing you will do that your children will always remember you by.

 

(I also do still remember my parents fondly…but I truly wished they had been more prepared on the legal/estate end of things.)


@saucykicker  Thank you for your post and exactly why the parents.. not the children should be making these decisions!!!  I wish you alll the best in getting your assets and possessions sorted and arranged!

 

 

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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Message 2 of 11

From a daughter's perspective; hope it helps!

 

My mother and father had no such plan. As an adult child, I had to help them make those decisions, which ultimately were never made.

 

It’s very difficult for the child to assist, especially if the parents don’t want to be bothered. What happens is, the child can get saddled with a lot of stuff they shouldn’t be. OR there could be painful conversations when the parent is already dealing with fore-knowledge of their impending death...even if it is more than 12 months out.

 

To be fair my parents passed very young: my father was 62 (2007) and my mother was 66 (2013). I was a mere 41 when it all went downhill. Had they lived to 80, they might have made a plan.

 

I have a plan since 42 for what I want done, including funeral plans. Anyway…back to my parents.

 

There were 5 properties involved in the final estate of my mother, jointly owned by 5 different sets of people. That’s a whole lot of drama waiting to happen right there!

 

My mother had a 1900 square foot 3-bedroom ranch, with a full-house attic, that held everything she had ever touched from 1965. I can’t count the amount of money and time I spent sorting through all that. Stocks and bonds were not documented or organized, so every piece of paper had to be gone through.

 

I found many treasures, it’s true. I also found every paystub my dad brought home since 1965. And every plastic barbeque container my mother ever bought. Up in the attic, I also found every single toy (it seemed like!) my sisters and I had ever played with.

 

I am grateful for all those treasures; truly I am!

 

However, 5 years later, after all that work, I still have two 10X10 Storage Units and 4 rooms of my own house storing estate stuff, in a very unsatisfactory fashion. Now, most of that is boxes upon boxes of photos from as far back as my great-grandparents. I WANT to go through all of that.

 

And in five years, if that is all I had to go through, I would already be done.

 

So, a long-winded way to get back to your point: PARENTS, adults, please make your own decisions, so your children won’t be tormented by their love and caring for you! And it’s not just about downsizing, where you will live, and what your medical treatments might be. It’s all of it!

 

I wish my mother and father had been able to talk to me about what they actually wanted. In the end I didn’t know. And apparently, according to some of those papers I found, there’s old generational family dramas that are still in-play, thwarting my current efforts at closure. Since I only have dribs and drabs of the info, I can’t really make any forward progress.  

 

Two of those five aforementioned properties are prime examples. They may stay in legacy in the family for generations to come, with real estate tax question and payments and insurance and all that crap.

 

My attorney told me the best thing I could do, was:

  1. Gift my portion to one of my sisters (and let them deal with it)
  2. Gift my portion to my children (and let them deal with it)

Pass the buck, as it were. This is precisely what my great grandfather did; what my granddaddy did; what my daddy did; what my momma did. And why I am in this position.

 

I don’t have any children.

 

So those properties lie tied up...until someone makes it a priority to bring 5 different people into consensus!

 

Don't pass the buck! It’s not just for yourself that you make those decisions—when to stop driving, when to downsize, when to move into assisted or retirement living. It’s kind of the last thing you will do that your children will always remember you by.

 

(I also do still remember my parents fondly…but I truly wished they had been more prepared on the legal/estate end of things.)

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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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@ASTRAEA wrote:

@nyadrn - Many people fall into the trap we're always warned against: making a very important decision right after suffering a major loss or other traumatic event@ Don't experts always say that people should wait 6 months to a year, before make such life-altering decisions, if there's no urgent need to take permanent action?!


@ASTRAEA  Yes, true.  Esp if it is a very permanent kind if change/decision.  

 

 

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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Message 4 of 11

@nyadrn - Many people fall into the trap we're always warned against: making a very important decision right after suffering a major loss or other traumatic event@ Don't experts always say that people should wait 6 months to a year, before make such life-altering decisions, if there's no urgent need to take permanent action?!


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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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@ASTRAEA wrote:

@nyadrn - I think that now having children to depend upon - even with the decision-making & the move itself - makes it more imperative to think about it sooner, rather than later!

 

I've known a few women over the years who did have children, and even when they lost their husbands early, they immediately accepted their adult children's invitation to move in. They sold their homes & gave a chunk of the money to their child to "modify the house," then realized they were now in a totally unfamiliar suburb where they were forced to drive & knew no one .. but couldn't afford to move out, with the portion of their money remaining! Some felt that once the proverbial "honeymoon was over", they also came to be treated like a live-in housekeeper-nanny-warden .. instead of the wonderful grandmother everyone looked forward to seeing when she visited periodically!


You bring up an excellent point!!   Before making any huge decision like this, give it a try. Really think about it.  Esp if you have lived alone.  Do you want to trade everything for security?  Are there other options? Find out!!

 

 

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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@nyadrn - I think that no having children to depend upon - even with the decision-making & the move itself - makes it more imperative to think about it sooner, rather than later!

 

I've known a few women over the years who did have children, and even when they lost their husbands early, they immediately accepted their adult children's invitation to move in. They sold their homes & gave a chunk of the money to their child to "modify the house," then realized they were now in a totally unfamiliar suburb where they were forced to drive & knew no one .. but couldn't afford to move out, with the portion of their money remaining! Some felt that once the proverbial "honeymoon was over", they also came to be treated like a live-in housekeeper-nanny-warden .. instead of the wonderful grandmother everyone looked forward to seeing when she visited periodically!


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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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@ASTRAEA wrote:

As I've posted elsewhere, I know a few 80-somethings who have become "trapped" in their large family homes, because they held out on downsizing until the mere thought of moving & having to fix up their homes for sale became overwhelming!

 

I have a beautiful 3 BR ranch ~ 2,600 sq ft, in an area that's not walkable. I can see myself moving to a slightly smaller ranch in a walkable town, in about 10 years, when I'm in my mid-70s, and can still tackle a move both physically & mentally.

 

I would like to think I could stay there until the end, with paid help, and nearby senior center, theaters, shopping & medical facilities.


Congratulations on taking the time to think about your options and make plans.  

 

The thought of having no say in the biggest decisions effecting you should be a huge motivator!!

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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As I've posted elsewhere, I know a few 80-somethings who have become "trapped" in their large family homes, because they held out on downsizing until the mere thought of moving & having to fix up their homes for sale became overwhelming!

 

I have a beautiful 3 BR ranch ~ 2,600 sq ft, in an area that's not walkable. I can see myself moving to a slightly smaller ranch in a walkable town, in about 10 years, when I'm in my mid-70s, and can still tackle a move both physically & mentally.

 

I would like to think I could stay there until the end, with paid help, and nearby senior center, theaters, shopping & medical facilities.


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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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Message 9 of 11

We are all facing these decisions.  What arrangements or plans have you made?

 

 

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: 3 Aging Decisions to Make Before Someone Does for You

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Message 10 of 11

Another article on personal choice and responsibility

 

These are three of the biggest decisions to be made as we age.  Do you really want to let someone else make them for you?

 

Don't  you want yo think about what you want to do and make plans and arrangements to get things done Your Way??

 

Unless you take action, someone else will do it for you!!!   

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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