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Parody: Trump Aboard Air Force One

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Parody: Aboard Air Force One after Donald Trump-Vladimir Putin havoc in Helsinki
 
(USA Today)
 
Aboard Air Force One, President Donald Trump is huddled around the conference table with his top advisers on the way back to Washington from the Helsinki summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
 
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly: Mr. President, your remarks with Putin are causing quite a stir at home.
 
President Trump: Yeah, I was great, wasn’t I? I killed it!
 
Kelly: Well, in a manner of speaking, sir. People are very upset that you still don’t seem to believe all the evidence that Russia hacked the election.
 
Trump: Oh, big deal. That’s just Mueller saying that. He’s a Democrat!
 
Kelly: Special counsel Robert Mueller is actually a Republican, sir, but that’s beside the point. It’s not just him. The official House Republican investigation, the Senate Republicans, the whole U.S. intelligence community, they all concluded that —
 
Trump: Intelligence community! Ha! Tell me another one!
 
Kelly: With all due respect, sir, many of your own advisers concluded the same thing, including your secretary of State …
 
Kelly motions across the table to Mike Pompeo, who smiles meekly at the president.
 
Kelly: And your national security adviser ...
 
He nods to John Bolton, who gives the president a big thumbs-up and mouths "MAGA."
 
Voice on open phone line from Washington: Me too, sir!
 
Trump: Who let Dan Coats on the call?
 
Kelly: He is your director of national intelligence, sir.
 
Trump: Well, all three of them are fired! Twitter, what about Twitter? I’m sure I lit it up on Twitter.
 
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Yes, in fact, you did get a big boost when your tweet right before the summit about foolish American policies toward Russia was retweeted almost immediately —
 
Trump: Good, good, good …
 
Sanders: … by the Russian Foreign Ministry.
 
Trump (shaking his head): Next you’re going to tell me there was a listening device in the soccer ball Vlad gave me.
 
Ambassador Jon Huntsman: And a video camera, sir.
 
Trump: Enough about the Russians. Move on. What’s next on the national security agenda?
 
Bolton: Well, there are troubling reports that North Korea may have increased the pace of development at a nuclear research facility even after your Singapore summit, sir.
 
Trump: Fake news! Kim Jong Un gave me his word, and he just sent me a very nice note! Next!
 
Bolton: There’s also new polling showing 73 percent of Americans now believe global warming is real and that —
 
Trump: Horse puckey! A Chinese conspiracy, like I said! Scott Pruitt told me personally that climate change is all nonsense, and he’s the final word at EPA. Tell him to put out a statement debunking it today.
 
Kelly: Mr. President, you accepted Pruitt’s resignation this month because of all his, you know, ethical difficulties.
 
Trump (mumbling to himself): I knew I should’ve kept Pruitt …
 
Sanders’ cellphone buzzes; she scrolls through a news alert. 
 
Sanders: Even Fox News is pummeling us over Helsinki, sir, and Newt Gingrich just called your comments, and I quote, “the most serious mistake of his presidency," along with —
 
Trump (sneering): “And I quote, and I quote!” Enough quoting! No wonder they threw you out of that Red Hen restaurant.
 
Kelly: Mr. President, we really need to do something to contain the damage from all this.
 
Trump: Fine, Sanders, start typing. I’m going to dictate a statement for immediate release. Quote: To whom it may concern: My comments at Helsinki were —
 
Sanders: No, no, Mr. President, you’re not allowed to do that anymore.
 
Trump: What! Since when?
 
Sanders: Well, since Mueller’s office began investigating that statement you dictated from Air Force One saying Don Jr.’s meeting at Trump Tower with that Russian lawyer was about baby adoptions, when all the evidence says it was really about, um, about …
 
Kelly: Getting dirt on Hillary.
 
Sanders: Yes, getting dirt on Hillary. Your lawyers say you must not dictate any more statements from Air Force One. Something about inviting obstruction of justice charges.
 
Trump: Fine, fine, fine. Get Steve Miller or somebody to write me a speech, and I’ll give it after we land. Just say I left out a word or two in Helsinki, there was a double negative or something, and I clearly meant to say the opposite of what I actually said.
 
Sanders: Mr. President, people would never believe that.
 
Trump: They would too! People would never not believe that!
 
Sanders: Mr. President, people wouldn’t never not believe that. I mean, um, they would never —
 
Trump: Ha, gotcha!
 
 
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