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Re: Senior Citizen stories, jokes and cartoons.

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Message 21 of 586

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Re: Senior Citizen stories, jokes and cartoons.

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Message 22 of 586

Senior one liners!

 

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

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Message 23 of 586

jokes dental plan.jpg

 

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Re: Senior Citizen stories, jokes and cartoons.

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Message 24 of 586

Dear Santa,

 

All I want for Christmas is.........

Image result for senior citizen funnies

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Message 25 of 586

Short Jokes / One Liners

You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing cards. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it..

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Message 26 of 586

 

But not I.  When the wrinkles get too deep, there's always a good steam iron.

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