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A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position,
the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow.
I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way
I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl, but I'll take it!"
A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point.
"Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.
"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."
"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.
"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."
"Guilty," snapped the judge.
"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.
"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"
STINGY OLD LAWYER
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
A boy asks his grandad, “Have you seen my pills? They were labelled ‘LSD’?”
His grandad replies, “Forget the pills!
Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
"WHO DRIVES YOU TO THE BEACH!?" LOL
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
“Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
“No” replied Little Billy, “he minded his own business!!”
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. "You pull up to a house
and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows
and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.
He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation,
a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead he heard the following
from one quick wit in the back, "You got the right place!"
There are three kinds of men in this world...
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened???