Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[n566192l]

Dave,

I just read your post about knees 😂. I had to laugh, because I got a shot in each knee today. Only 4 more to go in each knee.  Thanks for sharing your post with me 😊

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Senior one liners!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

[gordyfl]

[LydiaN586309]

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is.........

[DaveMcK]

Short Jokes / One Liners

You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

When I seen a nun in a wheelchair one thought came to mind. Virgin mobile.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing cards. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Grandma, is it exciting being 99? It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

I'll be spontaneous when I get around to it..

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

But not I.  When the wrinkles get too deep, there's always a good steam iron.

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

                     "Turning 55 means

            bending over to pick something up

                  and trying to figure out

                   what else you can do

                while you're down there."

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

I can no believe how fast 75+ years have passed!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

For Those Of Us Born 1925 - 1955

The best years to be born in the history of Earth & we got to experience it all.  Thank God for all the times, the adventures, wars won, technology developed.  Generations after future generations will never experience what we did.  What a generation we turned out to be.

TO ALL THE   
KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE    
1930’s, 40’s, and 50’s !!      
       
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank - While they were pregnant.     

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.    
     
Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs   
Covered with bright colored lead-based paints.     
       
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors

or cabinets,      
And, when we rode our bikes,      
We had baseball caps,      
Not helmets, on our heads.

As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.    
       
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.    

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar.   
And we weren't overweight.     
WHY?    
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!    
       
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day     
And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scrapsand 

then ride them down the hill, only to find out that

we forgot about brakes. After running into

the bushes a few times, we learned to Solve the problem.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo and X-boxes.

There were      
No video games,   
No 150 channels on cable,       
No video movies   
Or DVDs,       
No surround-sound or  CDs,           
No cell phones,      
No personal computers,      
No Internet and   
No chat rooms.             
WE HAD FRIENDS      
And we went   
Outside and found them!     
       
We fell out of trees, got cut,       
Broke bones and lost teeth,       
And there were no lawsuits       
From those accidents.   
  
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches,

ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand,   
And no one would call child services to report abuse.    

We ate worms, and mud pies       
Made from dirt, and the worms did   
Not live in us forever.     
        
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,     
22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses,   
made up games with sticks and   
tennis balls, and-although we were   
Told it would happen - we did not put out very many eyes.    
       
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just Walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts       
And not everyone   
Made the team.       
Those who didn't   
Had to learn       
To deal with   
Disappointment.     
       
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent     
Bailing us out   
If we broke the law 
was unheard of ... 
They actually sided with the law!

These generations have   
Produced some of the best risk-takers,       
Problem solvers, and   
Inventors ever.     
       
The past 60 to 85 years     
Have seen an explosion   
of innovation and new ideas.     
       
We had freedom,   
Failure, success and responsibility,     
and we learned

How to deal with it all.       

 If YOU are One of those born  Between 1925-1955, CONGRATULATIONS!    

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.    
       
While you are at it,   
forward it to your kids,   
so they will know   
how brave and lucky   
their parents were.    
       
Kind of makes you want to run through the house   
with scissors, doesn't it ?       

      
The quote of   the month by  Jay Leno:    

 "With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist 
attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those who prefer to think that God is not    
watching over us....go ahead and delete this.      
For the rest of us…please pass this on.

[LydiaN586309]

Yes, yes, yes @cm9889168 !!!!  You said a mouthful!