Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DavidE760644]

Back in the day, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.

Now we have no jobs, no hope, and no cash.

Please don't let Kevin Bacon die!

[DavidE760644]

No Salt Pretzel

Little Johnny, instead of an apple, would daily bring his teacher a pretzel from his

uncle's bakery. She always thanked Little Johnny but one day she said,

"These pretzels are very good but do you think your uncle could make them with no salt?"

Every day afterwards the pretzel was salt free. After a while the teacher felt she was making too much extra work for Little Johnny's uncle to make them without salt especially for her.

"Little Johnny, I hope your uncle is not going to any great time to prepare the pretzel without salt?"

"Oh no," replied Little Johnny, "he doesn't make them without salt. I lick the salt off."

[Epster]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

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@DaveMcK Ho! The artist has obviously seen me play golf. 🙂 (It gets real ugly, real fast.)

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[Epster]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

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LOL! Exactly! Thanks for the chuckle, @DaveMcK.

[DaveMcK]

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi systems
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in theaters
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

If you remembered!
         0 - 5 = You're still young
         6 - 10 = You are getting older
       11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
       16 - 25 = You're older than you think!
Be sure to pass this along -- especially to all your friends with really good memories.

Hmmmmmm! I remember all of them.

[cn5621]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi systems
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in theaters
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

If you remembered!
         0 - 5 = You're still young
         6 - 10 = You are getting older
       11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
       16 - 25 = You're older than you think!
Be sure to pass this along -- especially to all your friends with really good memories.

Hmmmmmm! I remember all of them.

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Problem is I remember all plus things like Scrub boards, Lie soap, clotheslines, fishing with a Cane pole, The Lone Ranger on the radio before he was on the TV Gilette Blue Blades, Sears 

Christmas catalog, Life and look magazine, RC Cola and Moon Pies, if I list any more you will know I'm older than dirt.

[cn5621]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

Quiz: How Old Are You Really?
From the following list of 25 items, count all the ones that you remember -- not the ones you were told about! How to score yourself is at the end.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar-water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda-pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (e.g., Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45-RPM records ... and 78-RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi systems
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Rollerskate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-in theaters
24. Studebakers
25. Washtub wringers

If you remembered!
         0 - 5 = You're still young
         6 - 10 = You are getting older
       11 - 15 = Don't tell your age
       16 - 25 = You're older than you think!
Be sure to pass this along -- especially to all your friends with really good memories.

Hmmmmmm! I remember all of them.

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If you added remembering The Lone Ranger on the radio, then you would be older than dirt.

[DaveMcK]

[cm9889168]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

OMG you're jokes are great!!  How many joke books do you have...or do you make them up?!?

The 5 Stages of Life:

1)  To Grow Up

2)  To Fill Out

3) To Slim Down

4) To Hold It In

5) To Hell With It

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Elderly Women Drivers

Two elderly women Marie & Edith were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Marie and said, "Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Brand New Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Q: Why did the astronaut retire? A: He got spaced out!

Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies? A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal.

[DaveMcK]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[LydiaN586309]

[WebWiseWoman]

Nice! Thanks for starting the topic!

Love the joke you posted.

Don't have a joke but quote:

Phil Harris, actor and showman, to John Fogerty of CCR: “If I’d known I’d live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” (courtesy of Las Vegas' Review Journal (newspaper))

Thanks, again! Looking forward to the replies!

[DavidE760644]

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room

with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.

The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”