Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DavidE760644]

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."

"And did you mail it?"

"No, she forgot to give me the letter."

[DavidE760644]

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt.

As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt.

Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet,

and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill

on which he had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

[nahchoo]

Shrewd dude, that grandpa! Thanks!

[DavidE760644]

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for my new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk on his face.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl quickly snapped up the package, pointed to the old man behind her, and smiled, "Grandpa's gonna pay the bill."

[DavidE760644]

One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The man said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The man replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The man replied, "I did, and it worked out great! Now I don't feel ashamed at all!"

[DavidE760644]

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order.

As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer.

"That was supposed to happen in your driveway."

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

How The fight Got Started......

[DavidE760644]

Sorry About the Weight

My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a fast-food restaurant,

he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out that a shake isn't exactly the best snack

for someone who wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his order.

The long line must have given him time to make the connection between his order and his waistline. As the woman handed him his shake, she said, "Sorry about the wait."

"That's okay," he replied. "I'm going to lose it."

[DavidE760644]

Handy Around the House.

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything.

You'll never get anything new.

[DaveMcK]

SENIOR PERSONAL ADS

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.

Sexy, fashion-conscious, blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4 (used to be 5’6) searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

I usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

[DavidE760644]

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead he heard the following from one quick wit in the back,

"You got the right place!" 

[DavidE760644]

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came

down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magma **bleep** laud from law school,

are intelligent, and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one,

so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, the senior partner chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why

I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay

down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.

What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" 

[DavidE760644]

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.

So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.

She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.

He just looks at her and says, “You don't scare me. I am married to your sister!”

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[DavidE760644]

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible,

instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.

Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred,

we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

[LydiaN586309]

You know you’re old when you take a nap

to get ready for bed.

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

....and it's only Friday!

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him

on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

[DavidE760644]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer

came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car

and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered,

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious.

He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one

pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[OscarE1968]

[DaveMcK]

What is wrong with this AARP SYSTEM NOW?

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]