Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[nahchoo]

AARP, I think you could use this as a new revenue stream! Use it as you will!

[nahchoo]

[nahchoo]

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom.

Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'

The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

[LydiaN586309]

Mary's funny prayer starts off seriously, but then

takes a hilarious turn!

[nahchoo]

Okay, this is tinged with UK slang and locations but I think it should play well here. Let's see!

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “ I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife,. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

[nahchoo]

SENIOR MARRIAGE

There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

The next morning, he was troubled.

“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

[nahchoo]

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he
say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you're from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

[nahchoo]

THE ROOSTER CONTEST

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”

The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these hens, why just look at what it did to me!”

The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and let the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you none

.”

The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets the domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”

They line up in the back of the farmhouse, one of the hens clucks, “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he shoots the young rooster dead.

He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife “Dag nabbit, Martha! That's the third gay rooster that  I've bought this week!”

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DavidE760644]

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one!”

[nahchoo]

[nahchoo]

Those pesky politickers!

A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. When he reached for his wallet to pay, the barber the barber said, "Oh no! No, no! I'm doing this for community service.. I can't accept your money."

The florist graciously thanked him.

Next morning when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the florist and a dozen carnations.

Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. He asked for a haircut, which the barber graciously provided. When the policeman reached for his wallet, the barber's reply was the same, "Oh, no, it's okay. I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."

The policeman thanked him profusely and left the shop.

Next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there was a thank you card from the policeman and a dozen donuts.

Still later that day, a senator came into the barber shop.

He got a haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, "Oh no, sir, I'm doing this for community service. I can't accept your money."

The senator, looking surprised,  thanked him and left.

The next morning, when the barber arrived at work, there were a dozen Senators on his doorstep!

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

Where Were You?

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. \

"She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know

where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

[DaveMcK]

GRANDPARENTS:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she had applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.... 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

[nahchoo]

Much wisdom floweth, from the mouths of babes! Thanks for sharing those. Kids Say The Darndest Things was always my favorite part of the Art Linkletter show.  😊

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[nahchoo]

Now that's funny, no matter where you're from! Thanks!

[DavidE760644]

"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."

"And did you mail it?"

"No, she forgot to give me the letter."

[DavidE760644]

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt.

As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt.

Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet,

and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill

on which he had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

[nahchoo]

Shrewd dude, that grandpa! Thanks!

[DavidE760644]

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

[LydiaN586309]