Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

STINGY OLD LAWYER

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

[DavidE760644]

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point.

"Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded.

"No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him."

"And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge.

"I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me."

"Guilty," snapped the judge.

"Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant.

"Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DavidE760644]

The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle,

he invited all the animals for the wedding.

On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says,

"Congratulations brother!"

The lion looks at the mouse and says, "Thanks, but since when am I your brother?"

The mouse replied, "Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married."

[LydiaN586309]

Yes, I can truly relate!

[DavidE760644]

Tequila is an excellent teacher...

Just last night it taught me to count...

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Hmmmmm!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

60th High School Reunion
       He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
       This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
       Finally, he picked up courage and blurted out, "Will you marry me?"
       After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes ... yes I will!"
       The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
       First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?"
       "Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will! ... And I meant it with all my heart."
       The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
       Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

[LydiaN586309]

"And if you can't pick it up, just kick it under the couch!"

[LydiaN586309]

[DavidE760644]

Cook Like My Mother

"Darling," said the husband to his new bride, "I am not casting any reflections on your cooking,

but I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make."

"I don't think that should be too difficult," she said sweetly, "If you will learn to make

the dough my father used to make."

[DaveMcK]

Please note that I am speaking of an era!

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

This is How the Fight Started

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And THAT'S how the fight started.

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

This was posted by an English Facebook friend!

[DavidE760644]

They once created a street called Chuck Norris but had to change it.

No one crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

[LydiaN586309]

With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

—Maria Murillo

[LydiaN586309]

Let Me Think For a Second~

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup!"

[DavidE760644]

"Jake," said his employer, "you've done a lot of good things since you've been here.

I'm going to increase your pay five dollars a week."

"Thanks boss," replied Jake. "Would you mind putting that in writing?"

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

"I trust you boss," replied Jake. "It's my wife. If I say I got a five dollar raise,

she will think it's really fifteen. I just need proof."

[LydiaN586309]