Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[cn5621]

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@LydiaN586309 wrote:

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@LydiaN586309 wrote:

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I guess that's proof positive that I'm old, I remember that and the picture was in black and white.

[LydiaN586309]

The church held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary." 

The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and get her."

[DaveMcK]

Joke

[LydiaN586309]

A little old lady brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"   "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."  The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"  The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[DaveMcK]

Joke

[DaveMcK]

Jokes

[LydiaN586309]

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)

- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[LydiaN586309]

Two for One (Jokes that is!)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" 

"No," he replied. "Arthritis!"

                        ***

Two elderly men were sitting beside each other in a barbershp.

One of them said to the other, "Now that you're turning 80, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly? Like a newborn baby!"

"How's that?"

"Well, I've got no teeth, no hair, and I can't stop wetting myself!"

[DaveMcK]

Three Elderly Sisters
       Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
       The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
       The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

Good morning!

[DaveMcK]

Cartoons 

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309 · Accepted solution]

[DaveMcK]

Seniors!

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

Good morning!

[DaveMcK]

Wine!

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

Seniors in2019!

[DaveMcK]

Seniors!

[DaveMcK]

Cartoons!

[DaveMcK]

Seniors!

[DaveMcK]

Senior 

[DaveMcK]

Seniors!

[DaveMcK]

Good morning friends!

[DaveMcK]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You ARE Santa Claus

4. You LOOK like Santa Claus

 I’m afraid we’re all in that fourth stage of life, aren’t we?

[LydiaN586309]

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@DaveMcK wrote:

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You ARE Santa Claus

4. You LOOK like Santa Claus

 I’m afraid we’re all in that fourth stage of life, aren’t we?

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Not me!  I look more like the reindeer-- big round body, long gangly legs, and try as i might,  I can't do nothin' with my hair!