Senior Citizen stories, Senior jokes and cartoons.

[DaveMcK]

Hope this topic gives us another winner. Senior stories, jokes or cartoons to enjoy and have fun laughing at ourselves. 

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE.....

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea" and then he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[DaveMcK · Accepted solution]

[LydiaN586309]

This is not really a senior joke, but it's funny.  So here goes:

Police pull over a teenager
Police: where do u live?
teenager: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
teenager: with me
Police: where do u all live?
teenager: together
Police: where is ur house?
teenager: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
teenager: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
teenager: next to my house

[LydiaN586309]

Chocolate covered Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

("Oh, be still my churning tummy!")

[LydiaN586309]

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked. 

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" 

"Sure.." 

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked. 

"No, I can remember it.." 

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?" 

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." 

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked. 

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" 

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

[LydiaN586309]

Posted by Me

[DaveMcK]

Old timers!

[LydiaN586309]

Rock and Roll isn't what it used to be.

[DaveMcK]

28 Things Only Baby Boomers Will Remember

Ah, simpler times.

By Jamie Ballard

Apr 27, 2018

From the 1940's to tthe 1960's!

Link:

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/entertainment/g20074870/baby-boomer-facts/?src=arb_fb_m&utm_so...

[DaveMcK]

Seniors!

[LydiaN586309]

Neither can I.

[LydiaN586309]

Being young ain't all it's "quacked" up to be!

[LydiaN586309]

GETTING OLDER CAN BE FUN!

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[LydiaN586309]

Two Old Guys at Dinner

An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man asks, "What is the name of the restaurant?"


The first man thinks and thinks and finally asks, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

*******************

I laffed out loud on this one! 

[LydiaN586309]

Elderly Man Thinks Fast (A Funny Little Story)

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Moral of the Story:   Old men can still think fast.

[DaveMcK]

Another senior moment!

[LydiaN586309]

Still rollin'.......

[LydiaN586309]

Laughing.....

[LydiaN586309]

O....N.....E     M.....O....N.....T.....H     A....T....    A......

[DaveMcK]

Seniors still have their moments 

[LydiaN586309]

I  found this very amusing senior story on another AARP forum and found it so funny, I thought I'd post it here.  It's long, but well worth the read. 

@ReTiReD51 wrote:

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - 
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 

This is how it manifests: 

I decide to water my garden. 
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, 
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. 

As I start toward the garage, 
I notice mail on the porch table that 
I brought up from the mail box earlier. 

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car...
I lay my car keys on the table, 
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
and notice that the can is full. 

So, I decide to put the bills back 
on the table and take out the garbage first. 


But then I think, 
since I'm going to be near the mailbox 
when I take out the garbage anyway, 
I may as well pay the bills first. 

I take my check book off the table, 
and see that there is only one check left. 


My extra checks are in my desk in the study, 
so I go inside the house to my desk where 
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking. 


I'm going to look for my checks, 
but first I need to push the coffee aside 
so that I don't accidentally knock it over. 


The coffee is getting cold, 
and I decide to put it in the microwave to reheat it. 

As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee, 
a vase of flowers on the counter 
catches my eye--they need water. 

I put the coffee on the counter and 
discover my reading glasses that 
I've been searching for all morning. 

I decide I better put them back on my desk, 
but first I'm going to water the flowers. 


I set the glasses back down on the counter, 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. 
Someone left it on the kitchen table. 


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, 
I'll be looking for the remote, 
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, 
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, 
but first I'll water the flowers. 


I pour some water in the flowers, 
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. 

So, I set the remote back on the table, 
get some towels and wipe up the spill. 


Then, I head down the hall trying to 
remember what I was planning to do. 

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter 

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and, I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, 
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, 
and I'm really tired. 

[LydiaN586309]

Now, despite the fact that this joke is not a "senior" joke,  I thought y'all would find it as amusing as I did.  So here we go..........

This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?  The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"? The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".  The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?

Did you chuckle just a little?  lol

[LydiaN586309]

Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.  Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes: 

Top 10 Senior Texting Codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

Exactly!

[DaveMcK]

[LydiaN586309]

SENIOR CITIZEN TEAMWORK!

[LydiaN586309]

This is totally me EVERY day!!!

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[LydiaN586309]

[DaveMcK]

@LydiaN586309 Welcome!