Hundreds of Member Benefits. One Convenient Place to Explore Them. Check it Out!

Reply
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

623 Views
Message 21 of 41

Rules Of Flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

814 Views
Message 22 of 41

Well I am finely able to remember fixing the Thanksgiving turkey!

FB_IMG_1513303179950.jpg

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

844 Views
Message 23 of 41

@ms72735080

I belave that they can not increase the Medicare premium without increasing the Social Security payment. So yes it is a wash becausee of the law covering. Increases in Medicare premiums. The real issue here is how they measure COLA increases for Seniors. It does not measure our real cost of living vs a family of four.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Info Seeker +

Re: Funny Stories

945 Views
Message 24 of 41

SocialSecurity gives us a whooping 2 % increase and then Medicare raises Part B by $30.00 THANKS FOR NOTHING!!

Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

988 Views
Message 25 of 41

 

 

@DaveMcK  Good golly, but I think this is where we are sliding. (Marching, depending upon which side of the coin you're on.)

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

1,046 Views
Message 26 of 41

Big Brother Is Watching

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want…
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Silver Conversationalist

Re: Funny Stories

1,047 Views
Message 27 of 41

What an awesome story!!!  This actually made me tear up.  I lost my mom 11years ago and I never knew my real father.  He passed many years before my sweet MAMA.  I hate to sound like a teary ol woman.  I did enjoy your post.  Well done!!

Report Inappropriate Content
Silver Conversationalist

Re: Funny Stories

1,007 Views
Message 28 of 41
So TRUE!!! Things sure have a way of going on!!! Cute
Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

2,542 Views
Message 29 of 41

FB_IMG_1512772987035.jpg

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Funny Stories

3,620 Views
Message 30 of 41

This is funny and true. I have gone thru most of them.

 

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the pocket, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the pocket of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get mud in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the mud off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have  nothing hangs out the hole in your pocket.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the mud on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize something is hanging out of the hole in your pocket.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You think you went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you pass gas out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who passed gas?

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Announcements
Prepare to Care: A Resource Guide for Families download this free guide developed by AARP to help make caregiving more manageable. It includes information on how to have vital conversations with older family members, organize important documents, assess your loved one's needs and locate important resources.
Top Kudoed Authors