Confused about which vaccines you need? Check out this list of every shot you should get after 50.

Reply
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
55
Views

Re: Funny Stories

55 Views
Message 1 of 54

 

*Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!*

2 commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

*Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,*
*Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,*
*Bundles of magazines tied up in string,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things_*

*Cadillacs and cataracts,* *hearing aids and glasses,*
*Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,*
*Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*

*When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,*
*When the knees go bad,*
*I simply remember my* *favorite things,*
*And then I don't feel so bad.*

*Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,*
*No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,*
*Bathrobes and heating* *pads and hot meals they bring,*
*_These are a few of my favorite things._*

*Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',*
*Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',*
*And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,*
*_When we remember our favorite things._*

*When the joints ache, When the hips break,*
*When the eyes grow dim,*
*Then I remember the great life I've had,*
*And then I don't feel so bad.*
>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
55
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
97
Views

Re: Funny Stories

97 Views
Message 2 of 54

I can see this happening.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What?  got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

Satan laughs, "Yeah, right, and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
97
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
128
Views

Re: Funny Stories

128 Views
Message 3 of 54

Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?

 

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

 

Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

 

Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

 

Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!"

 

Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

 

Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

 

Stevie: "Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

 

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

 

Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

 

Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

 

Woods: incredulous - says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

 

Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

 

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK - I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie: "You pick the night".

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
128
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
1
Kudos
144
Views

Re: Funny Stories

144 Views
Message 4 of 54

Normally my dad sends me an email with a good old fashioned clean joke, but not this morning. Read this as you won't regret it.

  • Two Choices,
    What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

    At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

    'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.

    Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

    Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
    The audience was stilled by the query.

    The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

    Then he told the following story:

    Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

    I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning..'

    Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

    In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

    In top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

    In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

    At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

    However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

    The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. Athe pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

    The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

    Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
    Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

    Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

    Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

    Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

    By time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball. The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

    He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

    Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

    Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!

    As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

    Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

    'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

    Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

    AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

    We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

    The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

    If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

    We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.' So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

    Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

    A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
144
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
196
Views

Re: Funny Stories

196 Views
Message 5 of 54

The Loan

His name was Bubba. He was from Mississippi, and he wanted $5,000, so
he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
$5,000 but that he was not a depositor of their bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new
Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The
Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the
Ferrari into the bank's private garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished
Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and
multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over
the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
car for two weeks for $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
196
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
268
Views

Re: Funny Stories

268 Views
Message 6 of 54

This is priceless!!

BACK IN OUR DAY.

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to
explain:​

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. And kids would find soda bottles wherever they could to turn them in for pennies per bottle. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books loaned for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tee us off...

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
268
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
447
Views

Re: Funny Stories

447 Views
Message 7 of 54

 

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the
past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
Tags (1)
0
Kudos
447
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
447
Views

Re: Funny Stories

447 Views
Message 8 of 54

 

Golf in Heaven

Two old men had been friends most of their lives. When it was clear that Frank was dying, Leonard visited him every day.

One day Leonard said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Leonard from his deathbed and said, "Leonard, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Leonard was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Leonard!"

"Who is it?" asked Leonard, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Leonard -- it's me, Frank."

"You're not Frank. Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Leonard.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the
past."

"That's fantastic," said Leonard. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday."

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
447
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
1
Kudos
483
Views

Re: Funny Stories

483 Views
Message 9 of 54

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD (not real but entertaining)
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me inDowntown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Trump as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Semper fi.
Alex

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
483
Views
Treasured Social Butterfly
1
Kudos
523
Views

Re: Funny Stories

523 Views
Message 10 of 54

Subject:****** Only people from Wisconsin will truly understand ! ******

 

 

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman

as President of the United States.

 

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father
in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my
inauguration?"

       "I don't think so.  It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as
she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting
up in my knee."

      "Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another
support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will
pick you up at your door," she said.

      "I don't know.  Everybody will be so fancy.  What would your
mother wear?"

       "Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown
custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

        "Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods
you and your friends like to eat."

         The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad.  The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll
ensure your meals are salt-free.  Dad, I really want you to come."

       So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 24,  2024
arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United
States.

       The parents are seated in the front row.  The President's dad
sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers,

"You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible,

becoming President of the United States?

        The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

         Dad says proudly, "Her brother plays football for the Packers."

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
523
Views