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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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The P-51 Pilot
 
This 1967 true story is about an experience by a young 12-year-old boy in Kingston, Ontario, Canada.  It is about the vivid memory of a privately rebuilt P-51 from WW II and its famous owner/pilot.
 
In the morning sun, I could not believe my eyes.  There, in our little airport, sat a majestic P-51.  They said it had flown in during the night from some U.S. Airport, on its way to an air show.  The pilot had been tired, so he just happened to choose Kingston for his stopover.  It was to take to the air very soon.  I marveled at the size of the plane, dwarfing the Pipers and Canucks tied down by her.  It was much larger than in the movies.  She glistened in the sun like a bulwark of security from days gone by.
 
The pilot arrived by cab, paid the driver, and then stepped into the pilot's lounge.  He was an older man; his wavy hair was gray and tossed.  It looked like it might have been combed, say, around the turn of the century.  His flight jacket was checked, creased and worn - it smelled old and genuine.  Old Glory was prominently sewn to its shoulders.  He projected a quiet air of proficiency and pride devoid of arrogance.
 
He filed a quick flight plan to Montreal ("Expo-67 Air Show") then walked across the tarmac.
 
After taking several minutes to perform his walk-around check, the tall, lanky man returned to the flight lounge to ask if anyone would be available to stand by with fire extinguishers while he "flashed the old bird up, just to be safe."  Though only 12 at the time I was allowed to stand by with an extinguisher after brief instruction on its use -- "If you see a fire, point, then pull this lever!", he said. (I later became a firefighter, but that's another story.)
 
The air around the exhaust manifolds shimmered like a mirror from fuel fumes as the huge prop started to rotate.  One manifold, then another, and yet another barked -- I stepped back with the others.  In moments the Packard-built Merlin engine came to life with a thunderous roar.  Blue flames knifed from her manifolds with an arrogant snarl.  I looked at the others' faces; there was no concern.  I lowered the bell of my extinguisher.  One of the guys signaled to walk back to the lounge.  We did. Several minutes later we could hear the pilot doing his pre-flight run-up.  He'd taxied to the end of runway 19, out of sight.  All went quiet for several seconds.  We ran to the second story deck to see if we could catch a glimpse of the P-51 as she started down the runway.  We could not.  There we stood, eyes fixed at a spot halfway down the runway.
 
Then a roar ripped across the field, much louder than before.  Like a furious hell spawn set loose -- something mighty this way was coming.
"Listen to that thing!" said the controller.
 
In seconds the Mustang burst into our line of sight.  Its tail was already off the runway and it was moving faster than anything I'd ever seen.  Two-thirds the way down 19 the Mustang was airborne with her gear going up.  The prop tips were supersonic. We clasped our ears as the Mustang climbed hellishly fast into the circuit to be eaten up by the dog-day haze.  We stood for a few moments, in stunned silence, trying to digest what we'd just seen.
 
The radio controller rushed by me to the radio  "Kingston tower calling Mustang?"  He looked back to us as he waited for an acknowledgment.
The radio crackled, "Go ahead, Kingston."
 
"Roger, Mustang.  Kingston tower would like to advise the circuit is clear for a low-level pass."
 
I stood in shock because the controller had just, more or less, asked the pilot to return for an impromptu air show!
 
The controller looked at us.  "Well, What?"  He asked.  "I can't let that guy go without asking.  I couldn't forgive myself!"
 
The radio crackled once again, "Kingston, do I have permission for a low-level pass, east to west, across the field?"  "Roger, Mustang, the circuit is clear for an east to west pass."
 
"Roger, Kingston, I'm coming out of 3,000 feet, stand by."
 
We rushed back onto the second-story deck, eyes fixed toward the eastern haze.
 
The sound was subtle at first, a high-pitched whine, a muffled screech, a distant scream.  Moments later the P-51 burst through the haze.  Her airframe straining against positive G's and gravity. Her wing tips spilling contrails of condensed air, prop-tips again supersonic.  The burnished bird blasted across the eastern margin of the field shredding and tearing the air.  At about 500 mph and 150 yards from where we stood she passed with the old American pilot saluting.
 
Imagine.  A salute!  I felt like laughing; like crying; she glistened; she screamed; the building shook; my heart pounded.  Then the old pilot pulled her up and rolled, and rolled, and rolled out of sight into the broken clouds and indelibly into my memory.
 
I've never wanted to be an American more than on that day!  It was a time when many nations in the world looked to America as their big brother.  A steady and even-handed beacon of security who navigated difficult political water with grace and style; not unlike the old American pilot who'd just flown into my memory. He was proud, not arrogant; humble, not a braggart; old and honest,  projecting  an  aura  of  America  at  its  best.
That America will return one day!  I know he will!  Until that time, I'll just send off this story.  Call it a loving salute to a Country, and especially to that old American pilot: the late JIMMY STEWART  (1908-1997), Actor, real WW II Hero (Commander of a US Army Air Force Bomber Wing stationed in England), and a USAF Reserves Brigadier General, who wove a wonderfully fantastic memory for a young Canadian boy that's lasted a lifetime.




Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Let me tell you friends, just one simple spelling mistake or a typo can make your life a living hell.

A friend of mine recently texted a short romantic note to his wife while he was away on a golfing weekend with his buddies, and he missed one tiny "e".

No problem you might say.  Not so!  This tiny error has caused him to seek Police protection just to enter his own house.

His short text was, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life, and I wish you were her!”

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright he's the famous comedian/scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do and here are some of his gems:

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

If at first you don't succeed destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

So, we frequent a bike trail that takes us through this park. The park has large fields, rolling hills, a creek and a lake. In short, it is a favorite spot for overwintering Canada geese (along with American wigeons, mallards, gulls and others). But apparently the powers that be feel one of the meadows is receiving a bit too much goose love, for a month ago they installed a man-made coyote in the middle of the field. That first coyote had fur, and maybe smelled the part, for while it was installed, the field was goose-free. Then the plan, and the coyote, fell apart in a snowstorm. The ruined coyote was replaced with this coyote.

 

Plaster coyote protecting local field from geese.Plaster coyote protecting local field from geese.

 

Note the patch of coyote fur fixed to the ground behind the plaster coyote. Then note the 300ish geese in the field behind the coyote. Don't they appear to be sneaking up on the would-be sentry?

 

 

Hey, who wants to sneak up on their 'coyote'? Dibs on leaving scat atop that pitiful patch of fur!Hey, who wants to sneak up on their 'coyote'? Dibs on leaving scat atop that pitiful patch of fur!

Moral to the story, I guess, is don't allow yourself to be fooled by plaster in coyote's clothing. 

 

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
Honored Social Butterfly

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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New Wine Before Bed

 

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not.....

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

 

Elderly Woman Was Shocked When She Saw Four Men Leaving With Her Car. Then This Happened…

A reader recently emailed us this joke. 12 hours later…we’re still laughing. Read it below.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

LOL!

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Woman was buying her grandson a gift, but never expected the cashier to say this

This joke was emailed to us by Lindsey V. from Ontario, Canada

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway…… He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes……there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid it and left without saying a word.

LOL. What would you do?

Share this joke with your friends.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

I was sent this yesterday by a British Facebook Friend. He said it applies in the UK as well.

 

It’s been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up yours"

8:45 Local TV news crew shows up after I'm arrested for "threatening" the police. Reporter asks if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am thereafter referred to a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral to the Story: There is no moral to this story. It’s just the America we live in today!

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Very funny; thanks for the grins. 🙂

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
Honored Social Butterfly

Teacher Asks Boy Questions To See If He Can Skip Grades. Answers Are Too Much For Principal
written by
 Inno Asuncion
 on January 31st, 2018

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day, she asked Jimmy what his problem was. He replied, “I’m too smart for the second grade, my sister is in the fourth grade, and I’m smarter than her too.”

 

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Jimmy a test. If he failed to answer one question, then he would have to go back to the second grade and be quiet. The teacher and Jimmy both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Jimmy: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Jimmy: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Jimmy: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Jimmy says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Jimmy: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Jimmy: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

Please SHARE this with your friends and family

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

FOR ALL YOU TRIVIA PEOPLE

TRUE OR FALSE ?

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? (Answers
are below.)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot
more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.

7. 40-people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6
years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years standing in line.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7-times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for
water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a
Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'

20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner issued in place oft he milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William never travel on the same airplane,
just in case there is a crash

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for
a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women
who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Now, scroll down for the answers

They are all TRUE!

Now go back and think about 16

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Christmas Golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how 
nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an 
argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round. 
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure   
out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." 

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course 
The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it". 
 
Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." 
 
Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." 
 
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf, and she said,
 
'"Take a sweater'".
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Rules Of Flying

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Honored Social Butterfly

Well I am finely able to remember fixing the Thanksgiving turkey!

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

Big Brother Is Watching

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want…
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Honored Social Butterfly

 

 

@DaveMcK  Good golly, but I think this is where we are sliding. (Marching, depending upon which side of the coin you're on.)

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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SocialSecurity gives us a whooping 2 % increase and then Medicare raises Part B by $30.00 THANKS FOR NOTHING!!

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@ms72735080

I belave that they can not increase the Medicare premium without increasing the Social Security payment. So yes it is a wash becausee of the law covering. Increases in Medicare premiums. The real issue here is how they measure COLA increases for Seniors. It does not measure our real cost of living vs a family of four.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Trusted Contributor

WOW!!  At least I am not "older than dirt".  LOL

Honored Social Butterfly

This is funny and true. I have gone thru most of them.

 

A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the pocket, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the pocket of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get mud in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the mud off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have  nothing hangs out the hole in your pocket.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the mud on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize something is hanging out of the hole in your pocket.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You think you went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you pass gas out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who passed gas?

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
Trusted Contributor

So TRUE!!! Things sure have a way of going on!!! Cute
Honored Social Butterfly

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Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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@DaveMcK wrote:

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Good stuff, @DaveMcK!  Big chuckles over here.  (Brrr, btw, it's to be mid 40s today... I need to get out a sweater. LOL)

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
Honored Social Butterfly

 

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Wishing everyone a safe, happy and blessed Thanksgiving.

Lighthouse Thanksgiving Dinner
By The Lightkeeper - Mike Oliviere

The commissioners of the Lighthouse Board decided that they wanted to share a Thanksgiving dinner. So they commissioned the THREE SISTERS OF NAUSET to put together a dinner. First of all they needed a turkey, so of it was to TURKEY POINT LIGHT where they found a nice big turkey so that there would be enough for everyone to have seconds. Then it was off to HENDRY FARM LIGHT to purchase the potatoes, squash and other vegetables for the feast. The corn came from CORNY POINT LIGHTHOUSE and the beans from BEAN ROCK LIGHTHOUSE. Some salad greens were also found at CAPE ROMAIN LIGHT. Some oyster stuffing came from OYSTER BAY LIGHT and some really good cheese from CABOT HEAD LIGHT. Cranberry sauce was provided by the keeper at CRANBERRY ISLAND LIGHTHOUSE and some delicious dumplings to go with the turkey were found at DUMPLING ROCK LIGHTHOUSE.

The rolls and baked goods were made by the bakers at BAKER ISLAND LIGHT. The butter for the rolls came from BARREL OF BUTTER LIGHT. Pies for desert of course came from the pie shop at PIE ISLAND LIGHT. They included apple pie from APPLE RIVER LIGHT, pumpkin pie from PUMPKIN ISLAND LIGHT and cherry pie from CHERRY ISLAND LIGHT. Of course there was also plum pudding from PLUM ISLAND LIGHT and some delicious eggnog which came from EGG ROCK LIGHT.

Of course to cook a good meal one needs the best of pans and cooking utensils. These were provided by the crew of the FRYING PAN SHOAL LIGHTSHIP. For those who preferred a different fare, seafood dishes were provided by the keepers at FISHERMAN’S HARBOUR LIGHTHOUSE as well as some others meats from HOGS ISLAND LIGHT and GOOSE ROCKS LIGHT. The table which was made at TABLE BLUFF LIGHT looked really great when all was brought out to enjoy. There was a beautiful centerpiece of fresh flowers that came from FLOWERS ISLAND LIGHTHOUSE and some fresh oranges from FORT ORANGE LIGHT.

Beverages were in abundance with finely brewed beers from BASS HARBOR LIGHT and NEWCASTLE LIGHT. There was also some Irish cream which came from Ireland’s BAILY LIGHT and some rare scotch from SCOTCH CAP LIGHT and an assortment of
brandies and wines from BRANDYWINE SHOAL LIGHT.

When all sat down, a thanksgiving prayer was said by the Bishop from BISHOP & CLERKS LIGHT and everyone enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
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