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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 41 of 50

Hi, I just got back from an absolutely wonderful trip. Asia is unbelieveable!

 

To answer your question, I think that my desire to meet someone has been extinguished from years of disappointments. Back when I was younger I had no problem meeting people, but with every subsequent relationship my desire to try again has all but vanished. It's like my well of interest went dry. I saw and met some wonderful people on my trip, but other than looking I had absolutely no desire to stir something up. Back in my 20's and 30's, I would have been much more open to the possibilities. I'm just accepting the fact that my psyche is burned out. Are there some embers that can be fanned into a flame again? I don't know. At this point I'm too indifferent to care. I do understand that there is more than just indifference. There is a lot of anger, resentment, fear mixed in as well. What it boils down to, however, is that I no longer have the ability to try. It's lost.

 

I'm passionate about my photography. I shoot professionally and it's something that I love doing. I've been shooting since I was elementary school. 

 

I'm also passionate about traveling. What I learned on this trip is that as much as I loved everything we saw and I met some amazing people and made a lot of new friends, there was a sense of urgency to the trip. We were on a set schedule and there wasn't a lot of free time. We could never sleep in and were always in transit. At times I felt kind of anxious. I think I prefer traveling solo, at my own pace, and stayng at hostels. That's more my style I think. 

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 42 of 50
@Luciano151 wrote:
I think you may be translating what I'm saying into something else. There is no Red Flag to speak of. This woman is not my girlfriend. She is perfect as I already explained, and would make a great partner. For whatever the reason, I'm not responding the same way as she is. She loves me to death, and I'm basically just indifferent about the whole thing. We haven't talked for a while; since I told her that she could do better than me, a man who does not care about being in a serious relationship, actually any relationship really other than a friendship. She should be focusing on a man that can give her what she wants and needs; a 100% I'm In, committment.

Nothing could ruin my vacation, I don't care remember? ( : I'm my own man and have never seeked approval from others. If a person likes me, fine. If they don't like me, that's fine too. Either way, I don't feel any different.

Have you had a complete physical, and talked to the doctor about your low level of interest in romantic relationships? Or is it that you just haven't had chemistry with anyone recently? Are there other things you're passionate about now, or do you not particular care about anything .. not just relationships?


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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 43 of 50

Geez, continue enjoying your travel. This board is not where I would come for advice. I'm sure you have heard that everyone has an opinion. If you are going to be OK financially, there are people you can hire to take care of you when needed.  I recently needed someone to drive me to some out patient surgery.  I called a service and jokingly asked her if she had a retired Chippendale to go with me.  She said she had an Elvis look alike.  Since I needed to be serious about this, I chose a nice young lady who took care of my personal things and had a smile and information when I woke up. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Go do it!!

 

Word of advice......there are people on these boards who try to scam you.  Always be careful about sharing too much personal info and look out if someone seems too good to be true.  


Soosie

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 44 of 50
I think you may be translating what I'm saying into something else. There is no Red Flag to speak of. This woman is not my girlfriend. She is perfect as I already explained, and would make a great partner. For whatever the reason, I'm not responding the same way as she is. She loves me to death, and I'm basically just indifferent about the whole thing. We haven't talked for a while; since I told her that she could do better than me, a man who does not care about being in a serious relationship, actually any relationship really other than a friendship. She should be focusing on a man that can give her what she wants and needs; a 100% I'm In, committment.

Nothing could ruin my vacation, I don't care remember? ( : I'm my own man and have never seeked approval from others. If a person likes me, fine. If they don't like me, that's fine too. Either way, I don't feel any different.
I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 45 of 50

Well, terrific that you are having a swell time over in Thailand,  enjoying the trip and all. 

 

But,  as far as your latest post,  I think you should know that one thing really stands out as a Huge Red Flag here.   Description of your current g.f. 

 

"....She would be the perfect partner. She's perfect in every way......" 

 

Luc,  hope this doesn't ruin the rest of your trip,  but gotta tell you,  this is really,  really delusional thinking.  Am quite sure others here will join in to agree.  

 

No one is perfect.  No man,  no woman.   If you really believe there is such a thing as a "perfect" woman for you,   think the relationship is doomed.   No human can ever achieve perfection.  They wouldn't be human,  would they?   Every single person has flaws.  Maybe minor.   Or not.   To describe a potential mate in the terms you are doing,   uh oh,  is all I can say.   

 

Sorry to be the one telling you this.  But if you are approaching your mid-fifties in life you gotta be realistic.   If you find a woman you are attracted to it may be that you have common interests and likes,  similar temperaments and disposition,  and you can envision a future together that would make you both content. 

 

But  p-e-r-f-e-c-t  ?   No way,  Luc   

 

As for the comment about sexual orientation,  my suggestion was based on practical reasons.  Since you can't talk about having children or grandkids,  if you don't drop in a comment about being divorced,   some people  might jump to that conclusion.    Many gay men are either 1)  conspicuously  "Frooty" ;  or 2)   Very introspective.  

 

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 46 of 50
I'm not depressed, but I have been despondent. Until I just accepted the fact that as much as I'd like to be able to love someone the way they love me (speaking specifically about the relationship I was in/am in) I don't know how to. I can't push a round peg through a square hole. Either it works or it doesn't. Wanting and trying hard to feel certain things isn't natural and short changes both me and the person who is capable of loving freely and unconditionally; something I would like to experience with this particular person, but I can't/don't know how. She would be the perfect partner. She's perfect in every way. My friends tell me that I'll never do better. I reply that I know that. She is one in a million. But, I can't pretend to feel things that I don't know how to feel, that I don't know how to experience; as much as I want to. It would be absolutely awesome to share my life with this particular woman; but I don't want to and I don't know how to. I don't know if these two statements are mutually inclusive.

I grew up poor and my parents mantra was always, Pay Yourself First. Since my 30's, I've done so. When I retire in two years (55) I will be financially ready to do so.

Regarding the comment about not being cut out to be a husband, it's way beyond that. It seems I'm not cut out to love someone fully and completely as I've explained. Your comment about people mistaking dismal relationship history as being potentially seen as a sexual orientation issue made me chuckle. I can't apologize for who and what I am. I honestly wish I could think differently and subsequently feel and act differently about this issue of mine, but accepting my limitations has made things, for the most part, a non-issue. The woman who I don't know how to love is someone I wish I could love, but it's the kind of wish made in an accepting way; I tried and it didn't work out, rather than agonizing over it; why can't I love? What's wrong with me? etc.
I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Comment: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 47 of 50
I'm having a great time on my trip. I'm currently in Bangkok and pretty much everyone in our group is pretty cool. I was in a weird state when I wrote my post. Just for the record, it's not that I can't feel anything. I'm pretty emotional when it comes to art, movies, books. I don't start bawling when I see a sunset nor do I start sniffling when I'm eating a tuna sandwich, thinking that perhaps a dolphin got stuck in the same net that caught the tuna and now it's dead. Nothing like that. The problem is romantic relationships. Most of my friends are females. Everything is fine as long as nothing goes beyond that. I'm not attracted to any of my female friends in a romantic way, but if I was I would be content just being able to hang out, hold hands, cuddle, and enjoy a sexual relationship, with the mutual consent and understanding that it's not going to lead to anything serious, a commitment; anything beyond what I've just described. I wish I knew how to go beyond this, but as I stated previously, I get too anxious and it becomes an issue and subsequently it turns into a yo-yo, a roller coaster for me and my partner. I don't want to do that anymore. It does not serve me, and it especially does not serve the person who does not have the issues that I do, and who deserves more than I know how to give. Trust me, I want to, but my psyche won't permit it. That's why I've pretty much given up, unless God (as I understand him) puts it in my heart to love the way I wish I knew how to. Until then, I have to be content with, and accept the fact, that I have to work with what I have (or have left).
I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 48 of 50

Well,  you don't sound like you are at all depressed or despondent about any of this.   You say you are functioning well,  going to work every day,  maintaining friendships,  planning trips/vacations. 

 

So,  what's the problem?  You tried marriage.  Not once but twice. Didn't work.    So now you know you are not really cut out to be a husband.   So what? 

 

Lots of people,  both men and women,   just aren't suited for marriage or monogamy for a lot of reasons.   Nothing to dwell on,  not a personality flaw or disorder.  

 

Be grateful you have the insight to realize this about yourself.   If you are worried about who will take care of you in old age,  that is really a finance problem,   not a relationship problem,  isn't it. 

 

Have you failed to adequately fund your retirement accounts,   401-k,   IRA,  SEP,  whatever?

Have you let your trust issues affect the way you invested?   Not willing to take on risk,   investing too conservatively when you were in younger,   and now your nest egg for retirement is not large enough?    

 

If you are well-positioned financially for retirement and old age,  that is the main stuff.     The rest will take care of itself.

 

Since you don't have any children or grandchildren,  if I were you,  I would mention at every opportunity when meeting people that you do have ex-wives.    Otherwise people might think you were gay,  am sure you don't want to leave that impression.  

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Comment: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 49 of 50

Your post is most interesting.  Without feeling what is the point?

What do you want from a relationship and what do you give?

 

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Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 50 of 50

I just don't care anymore.

 

I care about myself from the stand point that I get up every morning to go to work, I do a good job, I keep my house clean, I try to stay fit, I have a great relationship with my mom and I have a lot of friends. But what I don't have is anybody special in my life, and honestly I don't care.

 

I've been married two times and both times I never really was into my marriages. I did all the right things, but I never was really there in spirit. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

 

A couple of years ago I met an amazing gal. She's gorgeous, smart, great figure, open and easy to talk to. I really tried hard to care, I mean really care. But, I don't. I just can't seem to muster up the feelings needed to truly feel connected to someone or the feeling of wanting to connect with someone. I tried so hard I made myself physically and emotionally sick. I told her over the weekend that I'm not good for her. She deserves more than crumbs. I hurt her, but it's because I just don't know how to love. I'm great at being friends, but I'm not able to go beyond that. When I think about my future, when I retire in two years, is traveling by myself or possibly with a friend. I don't see myself married or stuck in O.C. playing house. I think I have finally realized that I can't be what I'm not. Not everybody should be in a relationship. 

 

I guess there is a part of me that thinks that I'm going to be in a pickle when I get really old because I won't have anybody to take care of me, to be my partner in life. I don't have any kids and my parents are both reaching that age when I have to start thinking about life after they are gone. It's difficult having those feelings about wanting something, yet now having the personal tools to get it. It's a conflict that is personally very painful. That's why I've given up and just accepted that unless God exercises some divine intervention, I am going to be a single man until I die.

 

I ask myself why is it that I'm the way I am and what I've come up with is that deep inside I don't really trust people. They say one thing and do something else. Human characteristcs of course, but that sense of never knowing what lurks beneath the surface keeps me distant and probably afriad. Too many negative experiences haven't helped either. I read the posts of people on this site, how they are suffering being in a relationship that's gone it's course. Not wanting to get out because being in a crappy relationship is easier than being alone. Yet, eventually everything ends. It's part of the cycle of life. Even relationships have their season. It could be two weeks, a summer, ten years, thirty years, fifty years, death; but eventually they end. I guess that is something I'm aware of as well and don't want to experience again. It hurts too much. 

 

I'm going on a trip tomorrow by myself. I'm sure I'll make friends on the tour. I'm personable and friendly and have never had a problem meeting people. I just don't get very close. If I let myself get too close or someone gets too close to me I get anxious and put distance between us. I wish I could feel safe, but it's like my body automatically puts up a wall to protect me. It's something I'm not even aware of. 

 

The best thing for me, I think, is to meet someone who is like me. That needs a lot of space and does not have much in the way of expectations. Someone to share the road with, cuddle with, that's fun, irreverant, and gets me. Someone free spirited and adventuresome. It might be fun. It might happen. But either way, I'm going to be fine. 

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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