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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 31 of 50

lol. I think that we all carry a cross or two. Life is the best teacher. Unfortunately, sometimes the lessons we learn we learn too well. 

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 32 of 50

Thank you for your words. I enjoyed reading your post.

 

Yes, I believe you may have misinterpeted what I said. I am extremely happy being who I am. I've planned for my future and I'm not going to retire at 55 and sit around and watch Lucy reruns. I plan to stay active and do a lot of traveling. The only area of my life that was a problem, was what I originally posted. I'm very happy and content otherwise.

 

I originally posted because I felt the need to vent, to get some stuff out of my system. I wasn't in a good space. I've accepted where I am and I'm happy to be here and open to any possibilities that open up to me in the future. Onward and forward. 

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 33 of 50

Thank you for sharing that tid-bit. If it ever comes to that, I'm sure I would be able to find some place that would take me in. lol. When I originally posted I was kind of in a dark place. I'm not there anymore and subsequently not worrying about it. 

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 34 of 50

You mentioned worrying about what happens when you get to the end of your life. My wife has worked in a retirement community for over 15 years. Many of the people that she has worked with didn't have children and have enjoyed their time in these retirement communities. One of the interesting asides is that many people moved into these communities and then were abandoned by their kids so it didn't make much differennce whether they had kids or not.

 

Live as who you are and enjoy life.

 

 

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 35 of 50

Perhaps there is a new norm for people of and over a certain age.

A few of my friends and I agree that having friends is quite satisfactory at this stage of life.  We are satisfied with living alone, with being able to come and go as we please, with having no one to ask or answer to for what we do, where we go, and when.  I currently live in a small farming community which includes many singles over 80 who help children and grandchildren as well as friends not only stay connected but also travel together, and enjoy activities together.  Many volunteer as teachers helpers, tutors, and at various library tasks.  Some stilll do accounting, work stock and counters for family businesses.  Others run errands for family and friends during illnesses, bad weather and busy times. 

I note that the original writer is only 53...going to retire at 55 in two years.  Have known a couple of people who did that and regreted retiring so early.  Nice he has money to travel yet seems not to enjoy day to day life.  (Sorry if misinterpreted). 

I agree with the commenter who mentioned not looking for perfection.  Perfect is so overused and never attainable.  What's perfect one moment could be a disaster in another....especially without love. 

Many people have trust issues, me included, and I think of myself as a cynical romantic...on days when I see evidence of loving relationships.  Years ago I determined that I would watch others' relationships to see why mine ended in divorce.  What I discovered is good relationships work if both people work as a team to be and stay together, work toward the same goals, communicate consistently with open honest as well as kind, thoughtful, affirming words, and still like as well as love each other.  On the other hand, people who find fault, criticize, and share their complaints about their partners with the world are not happy with themselves nor with their relationship.  If you are not happy with yourself, your place in life, or your life in general, no one, no situation, nothing will satisfy nor fill that void. 

I used to hate when someone would say , "if you don't love yourself no one else will love you either,"  now I wonder if that could be true.   And, yes, I find fault with myself, quarrel at my shortcomings, and wonder why I feel I am not lovable...yet, I do like living alone, being on my own, and taking care of friends and family when the need arises.  My life is full, satisfying, and meaningful more now, at nearly 68, than anytime in my life.  Given the opportunity I would not repeat any age (because I feel I would make the same decisions leading me to the same place). 

Life is interesting, a constant learning situation, and I only share what I choose to share.  I, too, have meandering thoughts about relationships, just not as often as in the past.  I find encouragement from the many octogenarians and older in my community who love considering me young, giving me advice, sharing their lives, activities, and thoughts.  I work full time at a fascinating job that keeps me hopping, sing in a fantastic small choir, and have excellent friends.  For now, anyway, this is what I need. 

 

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 36 of 50

Thank you for your post as I thought that I was missing a gene.
And have wondered for years why I was not appreciated. I chose men who were not healthy for me as they were sociopaths. I am finding that I love to communicate and socialize in a group setting. However, I can never commit again; as you hit the nail on the head....I do not trust. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 37 of 50

Thank you for your comments. Since I've been back from my trip my mind has settled in. I think that once we accept something as it is, it no longer affects us in such a negative way. I have an artists temperment and can be moody and my mind frequently goes places I'm not even aware of sometimes.

 

I'm OK with my singleness and I'm OK with the fact that I may be single the rest of my life. Nobody has ever come out and said anything in regards to how I am, but the displeasure at my lack of closeness came out in some of my past relationships. "Why can't you call me your girlfriend." "You say one thing and do the other." "Why can't you spend any holidays with me?" These types of comments. They are valid. I just can't explain away something that just happens. I'm not doing it on purpose.

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 38 of 50

What an annoying comment. I'm expressing my feelings. How you decide to take it isn't my responsability. I am an adult. I'm retiring in two years and going on more great trips. Better than trolling boards and taking out my frustrations on others due to a lack of self.

I would rather be a lion for one day, than a sheep for a hundred years.
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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 39 of 50

Since you felt the need to write about your feelings, or lack of feelings, regarding intimate personal relationships, this fact must be a problem to you in your eyes. Perhaps you could examine the reasons why you feel this is a problem. Have others questioned you on the subject? Do you feel you should be able to conform to a social norm? Do you feel something is missing in your life because you aren't able to have intimate relationships? Is there pressure from outside sources or is the pressure from within you?

Not everyone is meant to get married or even have personal relationships. There are many reasons for not doing so, particularly as one gets older. They may be financial reasons, health concerns, pass traumatic experiences, lack of opportunities, and numerous others.

I know a very talented, beautiful, and funny person who won't go further than the friendship stage because of scars from numerous surgeries that saved her life but scared her body.

Another friend lost his wife at a young age and has never been able to love another woman but has had several long term relationships that were fun and beneficial for as long as they lasted.

Personally, I don't want a husband. There would be no benefit in marriage for me and I have too many other interest that take a lot of my time. I was married once, for twenty years. I didn't want to get married but made a success of it until the last two years. It was an amicable divorce and we've remained very close friends.

Be honest in your relationships. Let the other person know you don't want a serious relationship and tell them the things you prefer to do alone as well as things you want to do with them. As long as you're honest I don't think they will have a problem with being your friend.

 

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Re: Meandering Thoughts About Relationships

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Message 40 of 50

 Luciano, it looks like most or all of the replies have been from women. I am a 64 year old man and feel exactly the same as you! I do have one adult son and am a grandfather, and was also married twice, but I have been happily divorced for almost 20 years now. I have had a few fun and serious relationships since, but I always pulled away when things got too serious or the women got too "clingy".

 

I also enjoy travelling, and have done several US and international escorted tours as a single. Now that I have been retired since last year, I have four more booked for this year. Thanks to your comments, I feel a little more "normal", and I look forward to reading more comments on this topic.

 

Keep on keeping on,

Jim

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