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Dating Right After - Cart Before the Horse?

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I may be speaking to the choir here. But isn’t mentioning marriage before finding the right someone putting the cart before the horse? I mean no disrespect. As someone who has had a life long interest in psychology, with a focus toward human motivation (what makes people do what they do), I can tell you that if you seek something you usually get it. I’ve perused my share of online dating sites and when younger bartended and looked for love in all the wrong places, its my experience that quite a few people are looking for ‘mister right now’, rather than ‘mister right’… or miss, as the case may be.

 

I’ve read some posts from folks that have been recently widowed or divorced. And while I sympathize greatly with the need to reconnect and find love again, after such an event there’s a phycological need to heal first and ‘find’ oneself again. This is often hard to hear when all you want is a little love and companionship. I know it was for me. I made all the wrong choices, dated right after divorce and suffered for it. Statistically speaking, after a loss of a long-term relationship (3 or more years), the average person needs between 3-5 years decompression time. Think of it in terms of the diving parlance I just used. If you come up too quickly from deep water, you will get the bends.

 

After dating for 5 years right after my divorce and failing to find someone right for me, I had to look at myself in the scenario. There’s a story that’s worth telling here, you may have heard it if you’ve spent any time speaking with a therapist or in group. It goes like this… A woman is attending a therapy group for relationships. When it is her turn she stands and says to the group, “I have had 5 different husbands and all of them were terrible people”. Another woman in the group stands and interrupts her with the insight, “No, you’ve had the same husband with 5 different names”. What this says to me, is that until we truly come to terms with our losses and have a strong sense of self; of who we are and what we will do and won’t do, we are destined to make the same mistakes time and again.

 

So, what do we do? We want what we want. So, how do we do what is best for us – truly best? I can only tell you what I did and hope this helps you in some small way. I stopped dating for 5 years. It took a really bad relationship to get me to that point (lol). But, I thank my lucky stars for it every day. I was in my early 40’s. I got a dog and a roommate (not of the opposite sex)., an old friend who needed a roommate and was going through a life change of his own. I joined several social groups. Being a high-tech kind of guy, I searched online and found a great site that caters to just what I was looking for. www.meetup.com is a site that essentially offers a place to create clubs, social groups of like-minded folks. There are hiking, bridge, movie and religious clubs. Really, there just about every interest covered and if there’s one missing, you can start a group yourself! I got active again, after a long illness left me weak and out of shape. I went to therapy and listened to many highly rated self-help books. Amazon has a great service that costs very little called www.audible.com where you can buy books and listen to them at your convenience. I listened during my morning commute into Seattle. I also highly recommend the following books and programs:

 

Safe People - by Dr. Henry Cloud,‎ Dr. John Townsend

Personal Power II – by Anthony Robbins

 

 Camano Island, WA

Andrew Marin
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