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Valued Social Butterfly
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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 11 of 13

In my experience this is not a situation that improves after marriage, in fact, it usually gets a lot worse.

 

It's obvious that your husband-to-be has a problem.  I don't know if it's physical or emotional or if it was a problem in his previous relationships.  But it's not surprising that he is not taking you seriously when you bring up the subject.  By the fact that you are staying with someone who is not satisfying you is telling him that it's not important to you.  Believe me, I've made this mistake several times.

 

What you have to decide is if this is really important to you.  I assume there are other things that are working in the relationship.  Are these more important to you?  It's the old balance sheet.  If you find that it is important to you, then you have to think about leaving him.  I would like to say that this would make him realize that you are serious and would do something to solve the problem.  That is what I hoped for once upon a time.  It didn't happen.  Whatever was causing his problem was more important than I was, but I've never regretted my move.  The physical and emotional pain of living with that kind of arrangement was not worth the benefits of staying in the relationship.

 

Also, it's much easier to get out before all the papers have been signed.

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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 12 of 13

OK; let's check my math .. you're 35 & "Albert" is 50, and you've been together since you were about 31 years old. In the last 2 years .. when both men & women in their 30s & 40s should have a strong libido .. you've only had sex 4 times. What about your first 2 years together?

 

You've talked to Albert about it, and very realistically presented the situation as something that needs to be addressed BEFORE marriage, and won't magically resolve itself after-the-fact. But Albert isn't taking you or his own problem seriously. Apparently he hasn't gone to a doctor, to determine if this is a physical or other type of issue.

 

You can't change someone else, when they've shown no interest in acknowledging the problem, or interest in resolving it. My question is why you aren't just "moving on", to find someone who respects your needs .. before you're too old to start a family.

 

 


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Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 13 of 13
My future husband and I have a bit of an age difference: he is 50 and I am 15 years his junior. Before any one jumps to any conclusions, he was divorced over 2 decades ago and I have a good relationship with both his ex-wife and daughter; I have my own career; and I was actually the one who initiated the relationship. I apologize for the preamble but many people make assumptions first and I tired of having to go back and explain this all.
So back to the topic at hand...our sex life. Let's call my fiance "Albert". It would appear that Albert's sex drive is nearly gone and I need advice on a new way to approach the subject. We have been together about 4 years and are supposed to married next summer but have only had sex 4 times in the last 2 years. I have tried to approach this from a loving place but I know I have made mistakes and want to hear if any one else has found some "good" ways to approach a subject that could make a man question his virility if approached the wrong way. My concern is not just the sex (which I really miss) but also the intimacy that goes along with it. I have told him as much and really do want the closeness. He says things like "we have the rest of our lives to work on it" but I do not believe that we do or rather I do not believe that marriage is going to magically "fix" things; marriage is a bond and commitment and if the intimacy and/or ability to discuss/talk is not there, marriage will not change that. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I do not want to enter into something that I look at as a lifelong commitment, if I do not feel verbal, emotional and sexual intimacy with my partner. Our physical needs may change over time but the bond should strengthen and grow. Am I wrong for thinking this?
I have told him this and we have sat down and discussed, but it feels like he doesn't really take my concerns to heart or realize the seriousness to me. I have asked that we go to pre-marital counseling but he doesn't seem concerned enough to make this happen. Guys, what might catch your attention or make it easier to "hear"? Ladies, any approaches that have been successful for you with discussing intimacy with your husband or partner? Any other advice?
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