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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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@cwest173 wrote:

Ok there is a bit of an age difference, might have ALbert go to his doctor and be tested for low T.

Be patient and understanding. My fiancee and I have our times she is 66 and I'm 59. but with love and talking we working it out.   So start with a physical and testing, I know I was very active at 50 and felt more alive then  I was at 40.  Good luck .


Reread the original post; "Albert" is only 50, and they've been together for several years, so if they haven't "worked it out" yet by themselves, there's little reason to think that anything magical will happen if they just keep doing nothing. "Albert" also seems unwilling to get professional help.


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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Ok there is a bit of an age difference, might have ALbert go to his doctor and be tested for low T.

Be patient and understanding. My fiancee and I have our times she is 66 and I'm 59. but with love and talking we working it out.   So start with a physical and testing, I know I was very active at 50 and felt more alive then  I was at 40.  Good luck .

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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Sounds like you need some serious help with him.  He is feeling inadequate and his reluctant attitude to not go to couple counseling or even individual counseling tells the story.  If he loves you and really loves you.  He would be willing to go to counseling or at least listen to what you have to say.

 

I think he may feel like he is losing you and does not want to face it.  Guys egos are fragile and

they do not want to admit it.  It takes a lot of talking and assurance.

 

Sex is personal.  I would love to give you some advice but it would be X rated. 

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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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@th9445 wrote:
Thank you. I very much so appreciate advice Astrea. I understand that it comes with good intentions and agree that I cannot make a person change. As you pointed out: my sex - drive is at its peak and to answer your query about before these past two years, it was not ever quite up to what would really satisfy...more like a sex diet: enough to get by by but never full. My reason for asking on this forum though was not to justify leaving him, rather to look for a little insight or advice to an approach that I might make before I decide that it really is a lost cause. I very much so love "Albert" and as I said before, my sexual needs will likely later change. I would love to spend to spend my life with him and my frustrations ARE ephemeral. Again I appreciate your frankness, but I really am looking for an approach before just ending it.

I was just reading the latest posts, and reread this one from mid-November. Part of one sentence, which I highlighted, caught my attention. You love "Albert" so much .. but how much does "Albert" love you? To me, truly loving someone means respecting their needs, and wanting to work with the other person, so that both of you feel fulfilled. So if one member of a couple isn't content with something, but the other member isn't willing to address or work on that with their partner .. by definition, they don't really "love" them that much!


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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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I've been married for 51 years.  It is not an easy journey in every aspect.  Sex is a very important factor in a healthy relationship.  Also, the willingness to please your partner in other areas of the relationship is important.  If a person has a minor annoying habit, you have to assess it's effect on your relationship. Upon returning from our honeymoon, I noticed that my wife squeezed the toothpaste tube in the center.  I squeeze it at the bottom. A minor issue but it annoyed me. So I spoke to her about it.  She said it was a lifelong habit and would be difficult for her to change.  Now this was not a deal breaker. Solution: I bought a tube of toothpaste for myself.  She squeezes hers in the center and I squeeze mine at the bottom.  51 years later, you will find two tubes of toothpaste in our medicine cabinet.  Now on an important issue, there's got to be a meeting of the minds and a WILLINGNESS to discuss it and reach a resolution that is satisfactory to both.  As previously mentioned, there must be a reason that a 50 year old man is not sexually active.  You're discussing the issue with him and his dismissing your concerns is not a healthy indicator of future comparability's.  If he is not willing to investigate the cause of his reluctance to be intimate, knowing that it causes you to be unhappy, indicates that there is a serious lack of compassion on his part.  You have to wonder how you will feel going to bed every night and he either rolls over and goes to sleep or sleeps in another room, or stays up much later to avoid being with you.  Especially since he refused to investigate why he is doing that.  I'd seriously consider an ultimatum.    Seek professional help or the marriage is off.  And stick to your guns. 

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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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@ASTRAEA wrote:

I think what would bother me most, in this situation, isn't the lack of sex .. but the unwillingness of my partner to find out why that was happening, and if/how they could improve things.


EXCELLENT point, Astraea!

 

There can be many emotional reasons why there is a lack of interest, past failures or feelings of insecurity from previous relationships/marriage.  Or there could be truly physical/medical issues at hand, low T or other conditions.

 

IMO, the fact he isn't concerned with the posters feelings on an important topic to HER, may very well be a harbinger.


"FAKE 45 #illegitimate" read a sign at the Woman's March in Washington DC, January 21, 2017.
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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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@PattyDiane wrote:

I very much understand that you have some difficult decisions to make as to how to proceed in your relationship.  There is no relationship that is perfect and many times it's about what problems you are able to live with.  And I agree that with time, some things will change, however, for many women sex becomes even more important as we go into peri-menapause and this is a time when we are vulnerable with other changes in our bodies.  If we have not already had children we have to face that the option is closing on us, etc.  Lack of sexual response from our partner can really make a blow to our self-esteem. 


I think what would bother me most, in this situation, isn't the lack of sex .. but the unwillingness of my partner to find out why that was happening, and if/how they could improve things.


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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 8 of 13

I very much understand that you have some difficult decisions to make as to how to proceed in your relationship.  There is no relationship that is perfect and many times it's about what problems you are able to live with.  And I agree that with time, some things will change, however, for many women sex becomes even more important as we go into peri-menapause and this is a time when we are vulnerable with other changes in our bodies.  If we have not already had children we have to face that the option is closing on us, etc.  Lack of sexual response from our partner can really make a blow to our self-esteem.

 

This was the time when I sought professional help.  I was rather hoping that it would give me a way to stay in the marriage.  It did not do that but it made me know what it was that was important to me and be able to leave the marriage, even though I did, and still, feel some love for my ex-husband.  I certainly don't regret the years we spent together, although I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different had I left earlier.  Would I have had children, for example.   That was something I gave up by staying, although I never had that need to have children of my own that many women seem to have.

 

It's good that you are reaching out and talking about the problem.  Everybody has their own viewpoint and it's a good idea to hear as many as possible.  That always helps me even if they are different from my own.

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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 9 of 13
Thank you. I very much so appreciate advice Astrea. I understand that it comes with good intentions and agree that I cannot make a person change. As you pointed out: my sex - drive is at its peak and to answer your query about before these past two years, it was not ever quite up to what would really satisfy...more like a sex diet: enough to get by by but never full. My reason for asking on this forum though was not to justify leaving him, rather to look for a little insight or advice to an approach that I might make before I decide that it really is a lost cause. I very much so love "Albert" and as I said before, my sexual needs will likely later change. I would love to spend to spend my life with him and my frustrations ARE ephemeral. Again I appreciate your frankness, but I really am looking for an approach before just ending it.
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Re: Advice for my fiancé and I

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Message 10 of 13

I had thought of saying "Drop him like a hot potato" after I read your post but before I read Astraea's.

 

Astraea is right.

 

Changing a person's behavior is almost impossible; especially when that behavior has been ingrained for so long. Basic Psychology 101 taught me that.

 

So it looks like you have two votes for "moving on" and finding someone more in line with your needs, interests, and wants.

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