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BARD................. Past tense of 'to borrow' My brother bard my car
JAWJUH.............A state just north of Florida. Capital..Hot-Lanta
MUNTS.............. A calander division. Haven't been thar in munts!
FAR.................. "That things gonna catch far"
BAHS................ "Get to work or your bahs is gonna far you !"
TIRE................. "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I hope to see the Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
RETARD.............."My grandpa retard at the age of 65."
TARRED.............. "I just flew in from Hot lanta, and boy are my arms ever tarred !"
This seems to refer to men only, but, it goes for older women, too, of course:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a **bleep**what you think."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked. "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer." he replied.
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said that the Pabst Beer is normal.
I didn't even know you liked beer. : (
A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY TO ALL !
Paul Newman founded the Hole In The Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A councelor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?" ....blank stares...
"Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton." An eight-year-old girl perked up "How long were you missing?"
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean..
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say, "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV, sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 m.p.h.
HAVE A MARVELOUS MONDAY !
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF.......
1. You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree...
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard, rather than mow it.
5. You think, "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has, "ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
A SUBLIME SUNDAY TO ALL !