why marriages fail after 25 years

[56hannah]

My marraiage failed, because he know longer wanted to be responsible for me and our children. Guess who helped him in his career? The truth of the matter is, he was more interested in St. Pauly Girl, and Bud Weiser. 

[ks9629]

I know how you feel. Mine ended after 29 years and it sounds like it was very simular to yours. For me though first there was a huge shift in power. I became gravely ill and perminatly disabled. My ex thought this was a good time to revert to abusing me physicaly again. Our middle daughter finally asked me why did I stay so long. After getting past knowing that my children knew what was going on. That finally started me thinking. I had a old friend and he offered me a place to go. I knew I had to go to another state so he could not find me. I have been on my own for 2 years now and I wish I had left him so long ago. Yes, It has been very hard at times, but I have never been this happy before. One thing, when I told my friends I was leaving him and moving away. Not one of them asked me why. They already knew. My life is so different now. I do what I want to when I want to. I have some issues I have been tring to work through. I miss seeing my girls. They are all grown up now and so busy in their lives. I wish I had left years ago. I hope you are happier too. In Response to Why My Marriage Will Come To an End After 31 Years:

Our marriage had been "in trouble" since before we married. We never should have been married. Over the years, when the timing would have been right for a divorce, one event after another happened to make me feel I had to wait. My husband is Catholic and would never be the one to file. First a child, then a business failure, then he had serious health issues for over two years resulting in a leg amputation, then I had the great experience of traveling around the world with him for his job, then I had cancer, then he lost his job, and another one and another one. The money I had saved to start a new life had to be used to pay bills. We have never had a "real" loving marriage, just stayed together for convenience. My 90 year-old Mother has been aware of the situation (which includes emotional and verbal abuse on his part) for years and asked me the ultimate quesiton - "Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?". So like many long time couples - our son is now 29 - after soul-searching, I answer that question "no" and gather the courage to move forward.

Posted by pc1174

[pc1174]

Our marriage had been "in trouble" since before we married. We never should have been married. Over the years, when the timing would have been right for a divorce, one event after another happened to make me feel I had to wait. My husband is Catholic and would never be the one to file. First a child, then a business failure, then he had serious health issues for over two years resulting in a leg amputation, then I had the great experience of traveling around the world with him for his job, then I had cancer, then he lost his job, and another one and another one. The money I had saved to start a new life had to be used to pay bills. We have never had a "real" loving marriage, just stayed together for convenience. My 90 year-old Mother has been aware of the situation (which includes emotional and verbal abuse on his part) for years and asked me the ultimate quesiton - "Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?". So like many long time couples - our son is now 29 - after soul-searching, I answer that question "no" and gather the courage to move forward.

[PattyDiane]

In Response to Re: why marriages fail after 25 years:

Ours was doomed from the beginning. He came on strong and I was flattered. We got along, but he acted "hurt" if I didn't go along with his emotional suffocation of me. His stages were 1) "Oh you would never go out with me. You're so pretty and I'm nothing..." 2) "You'll go out with me? Let's get married in a few months. I bet people can tell right now that we're a couple."  3) Can WE get rid of your books? Come on, you're not a team player if you won't do it. 4) Okay, MAYBE... I'll call off the divorce if you'll clear out the basement. 5) I've filed for divorce. I never liked you anyway.

At the time, I was almost 30, wanted to be married, wanted to have kids, we agreed that I'd be the at-home parent, so I am behind on 20+ years of job skills.

Oh, and after he filed, he stayed in our house and our bed for an extra 18 months, using the divorce filing as emotional abuse. "Okay, maybe....I'll call off the divorce if you'll jump through this next hoop.  Do you really have to save your wedding dress???"

Posted by mamareb

Your posting really brings those memories flooding in.  At the time I didn't recognize the pattern of emotional abuse and I still have a hard time with that, even though I've been out of the marriage for moe than 20 years.

I remember the day when he was on my door step with two cardboard boxes of belongings and the sad face and the news that his room mate had thrown him out.  We had only been dating for a month and had been having fun but it wasn't serious.  He had already made several comments about how lucky I was to have come out of a divorce with a house (that I paid for) while he lost everything.  I said he could stay with me until he found another apartment.  That never happened because he was so depressed.

He had two children that I really enjoyed.  His ex-wife said he was allowed weekend visitation but not his girlfriend.  Unless we married he couldn't spend time with the children.

The next thing was that I was unreasonable to expect him to live in a house that I had once shared with another man.  We needed a new house that would be ours.  The one we found was twice the drive to and from work and twice the payment.  He told me on the way back from the bank that he had lost his job.

The list could continue for another 16 years until  I finally went into therapy.  I kept believing that something  was wrong with me that I couldn't make him happy no matter what I did.  Now it seems so obvious and I can't believe  I was so stupid.  After all, how could I be manipulated if he was actually happy?

I'm so grateful to be out of that game and hope I can recognize it in the future.

[as5368]

We married young and got busy with life and then raising our kids. I noticed the distance growing between us but I chalked it up to the crazy pace of watching your kids evolve from little league into teenagers and all that comes with it. I kep thinking we would reconnect when the kids left home and things slowed down. By then, it was too late, we were two completely different people and for me, I didn't like who he had become. Later, I found out it was because he was spending time with a young woman who worked for him whose lifestyle was built around clubs and affairs with married men. We tried counseling but quit when I realized he was not being honest with me or our counselor and that he had no real desire to fix our marriage. I will never forget him telling me "I don't want to be the bad guy. The only light at the end of the tunnel for me would be if you killed yourself". It broke my heart to file for divorce but by then, we had been seperated a year and he was openly dating this woman, making the humiliation even more difficult to bear.    

The woman he couldn't live without moved on to another man a year or so later and although he's still single, he is a shell of a man I hardly recognize. I'm told he spends most nights drinking and it shows.  

I married a wonderful man and we celebrate our 10th anniversary this year. 

[mamareb]

Ours was doomed from the beginning. He came on strong and I was flattered. We got along, but he acted "hurt" if I didn't go along with his emotional suffocation of me. His stages were 1) "Oh you would never go out with me. You're so pretty and I'm nothing..." 2) "You'll go out with me? Let's get married in a few months. I bet people can tell right now that we're a couple."  3) Can WE get rid of your books? Come on, you're not a team player if you won't do it. 4) Okay, MAYBE... I'll call off the divorce if you'll clear out the basement. 5) I've filed for divorce. I never liked you anyway.

At the time, I was almost 30, wanted to be married, wanted to have kids, we agreed that I'd be the at-home parent, so I am behind on 20+ years of job skills.

Oh, and after he filed, he stayed in our house and our bed for an extra 18 months, using the divorce filing as emotional abuse. "Okay, maybe....I'll call off the divorce if you'll jump through this next hoop.  Do you really have to save your wedding dress???"

[MMurphy48]

I think men are less likely to admit to being "abused," since it has a connotation of being on the defense. They are more likely to say something such as "she was bitchy" or "she complained about everything." I have heard men describe events that I would call abusive without calling it that.

Incidentally, when I got divorced I participated in a support group for divorced spouses that included both men and women. I found it very helpful to hear the differing points of view. One time I commented that women were more likely to blame themselves the first time they were divorced, but men didn't blame themselves until they had been divorced multiple times. Several men in the group agreed with me.

It's my opinion that men in general are more competitive and have more of a need to be dominant and that it shapes the way they look at marriage.

[kr1179]

I can relate to these posts, after 31 years of marriage my wife had decided to hook up with an old boyfriend from high school. She lied to the whole family and flew to Colorado to be with him for a week, but she got caught.  Really had a great marriage, never saw this coming. Wonder sometimes what people are really looking for in life. I have been divorced for about a year and a half but the pain and heart break is still there and probably always will be.

[MMurphy48]

I divorced my husband after 25 years. The marriage was always difficult. He was a good husband and father in many ways, but he was emotionally abusive. He wouldn't go to counseling with me.

It became more difficult when he ran for public office and we were in the public eye a lot. People would tell me how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to be married to him!

It was the hardest thing I ever did and one of the best decisions I ever made. I still love my husband, but I think of him as an in-law, instead of romantically.

My life hasn't turned out the way I planned, but I have been happier since then. I enjoy my freedom.

[sallyjoq]

So sorry for all those unhappy years!  It always amazes me when people complain after a divorce, as your X has, instead of working on the problems while IN the marriage!  I am convinced that at least 1/2 of the divorces could have been avoided if BOTH spouses had been open-minded and willing to work on the relationship.

I can totally understand why you are leary of marriage.  You discovered that for some people, it is simply a piece of paper; not a comittment to the relationship.  And, you probably have been delighted to learn that you can live without a man in your life, too.

My X divorced me for another woman.  He refused counceling.  I was devasted.  But, I discovered my freedom and learned to love it.  I found a wonderful man on-line, too.  We live in the same condo building now.  We share most meals, go out, travel and in many ways carry on life as a married couple.  Yet, we still have our own individual homes.  So far, it is working out very well.

In Response to Re: why marriages fail after 25 years:

I was married for 25 years and not happily.  My ex husband is a nice guy but lousy husband material.

He never held a steady job, spent the little money we had, and constantly bought beyond his means.  The phone didn't stop ringing with his creditors.   He did work at various good paying jobs throughout the years.  However, he mortgaged our home three times, each time promising to limit his boundless spending:  tools, cars and who knows what else.

While I worked several jobs, entertained our family during holidays, was homemaker, cook, etc. he volunteered in community life as though he had all the time in the world. 

Moreover, our sex life was nil or close to it.  He swore up and down that he didn't have a girlfriend on the side.  I asked him about counseling, but he didn't believe in it as he had gone to counseling as a teenager and didn't feel it served any purpose.  As I responded we weren't teenagers any longer and our marriage was in trouble, he ignored my requests for counseling, promised to change, and continued with his lifestyle.

Calls from creditors continued...

Approaching our 25th year anniversary, I reflected and decided I am still attractive, although never a beauty, could not continue another 25 years (if I had it) and had had enough.

The children (2), now adults, were traumatized.  Surely, they must have seen it coming.  My oldest sided with her dad, and I am the guilty party.  My younger child, to her credit, took no side.

He cries on Facebook how I did him wrong.

Now, two years later, I'm sorry I didn't divorce him sooner.  I live a modest lifestyle, stay in contact with my children, and have a good man in my life (through a dating site--yes, the sites do work, and I've had some adventures).  He is retired, a wonderful lover, and wants to marry.

The trouble we have is that I do not want to marry...again.

Thank you for allowing me to share my small story to add to the mix.

Posted by pd1570

[pd1570]

I was married for 25 years and not happily.  My ex husband is a nice guy but lousy husband material.

He never held a steady job, spent the little money we had, and constantly bought beyond his means.  The phone didn't stop ringing with his creditors.   He did work at various good paying jobs throughout the years.  However, he mortgaged our home three times, each time promising to limit his boundless spending:  tools, cars and who knows what else.

While I worked several jobs, entertained our family during holidays, was homemaker, cook, etc. he volunteered in community life as though he had all the time in the world. 

Moreover, our sex life was nil or close to it.  He swore up and down that he didn't have a girlfriend on the side.  I asked him about counseling, but he didn't believe in it as he had gone to counseling as a teenager and didn't feel it served any purpose.  As I responded we weren't teenagers any longer and our marriage was in trouble, he ignored my requests for counseling, promised to change, and continued with his lifestyle.

Calls from creditors continued...

Approaching our 25th year anniversary, I reflected and decided I am still attractive, although never a beauty, could not continue another 25 years (if I had it) and had had enough.

The children (2), now adults, were traumatized.  Surely, they must have seen it coming.  My oldest sided with her dad, and I am the guilty party.  My younger child, to her credit, took no side.

He cries on Facebook how I did him wrong.

Now, two years later, I'm sorry I didn't divorce him sooner.  I live a modest lifestyle, stay in contact with my children, and have a good man in my life (through a dating site--yes, the sites do work, and I've had some adventures).  He is retired, a wonderful lover, and wants to marry.

The trouble we have is that I do not want to marry...again.

Thank you for allowing me to share my small story to add to the mix.