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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 21 of 45

You give me some hope. I am stuck here in my hometown with a mother who has dementia. I feel trapped and may as well stay married. It seems there is not much else for me out there.

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 22 of 45

My husband of 27 years has been getting inebriated and has drawn the attention of our children and my side of the family. I feel embarrassed and hopeless. I want to leave. I can take CARE of myself but a break up will really rock the boat and I don't know if I can handle the backwash. Yet, I am 59 and have ambitions and a totally different life plan than he does. We are so different and from very different backgrounds and now I feel disgust for him. I often ask myself why I ever married this person.I have confronted him so many times and he says he will stop but he doesn't. He refuses help. Refuses to even go to a doctor at all. I can't live my life like this. 

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 23 of 45
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It should be on average the same number. Although media or other means of measuring such a statistic is not that perfect yet, to say the least. Perhaps the more verbal gender does get the upper hand, when it comes to reporting abuse or complaints. But that's just my opinion, folks.

 

 

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 24 of 45

I  agree Men can be victums as well and often I feel !  Men can be sexually abused as I was as a child, abused  by fathers and wifes...  It feels good to just expres that. Yet the pain still hurts as many years as the abuse did. I finallly just had to move away to begin a new life. Kevin

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Yes, it's not always the man, I loved and was inlove with my wife for 26 yrs, she asked for the divorce and said she didn't love me any more. She lost both her parents the 6 months before ,then left me. Maybe because her parents loved and adored me she was waiting. Sad thing is she will never tell me why it's been 8 years now. I would still like to know the answer, I went to council and she refused any thought but wanting a divorce with out any discussion. Still seeking answers ... Kevin
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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 26 of 45

Hi ef6829

 

I'm glad to see that you found this group but very sorry that you have the need of it.  I can imagine that you feel, not only devasted but also such a sense of betrayal.  I know that is how I have felt when learned that what I believed to be true was actually a lie.  It took me a long time to be able to trust myself again and it was only with the help of some good friends and some professional help that I was able to put my life back together and make some progress in healing.

 

Patty

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 27 of 45

I was happily married for 30 years.  I had a supportive, loving husband who was an involved father and wonderful friend.

 

Shortly after our 3oth wedding anniversary I discovered he had been cheating, lying, stealing and skrewing anything with a pulse for 27 of our 30 years.

 

Devastated. 

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Re: Why My Marriage Will Come To an End After 31 Years

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Message 28 of 45


I know how you feel. Mine ended after 29 years and it sounds like it was very simular to yours. For me though first there was a huge shift in power. I became gravely ill and perminatly disabled. My ex thought this was a good time to revert to abusing me physicaly again. Our middle daughter finally asked me why did I stay so long. After getting past knowing that my children knew what was going on. That finally started me thinking. I had a old friend and he offered me a place to go. I knew I had to go to another state so he could not find me. I have been on my own for 2 years now and I wish I had left him so long ago. Yes, It has been very hard at times, but I have never been this happy before. One thing, when I told my friends I was leaving him and moving away. Not one of them asked me why. They already knew. My life is so different now. I do what I want to when I want to. I have some issues I have been tring to work through. I miss seeing my girls. They are all grown up now and so busy in their lives. I wish I had left years ago. I hope you are happier too. In Response to Why My Marriage Will Come To an End After 31 Years:



Our marriage had been "in trouble" since before we married. We never should have been married. Over the years, when the timing would have been right for a divorce, one event after another happened to make me feel I had to wait. My husband is Catholic and would never be the one to file. First a child, then a business failure, then he had serious health issues for over two years resulting in a leg amputation, then I had the great experience of traveling around the world with him for his job, then I had cancer, then he lost his job, and another one and another one. The money I had saved to start a new life had to be used to pay bills. We have never had a "real" loving marriage, just stayed together for convenience. My 90 year-old Mother has been aware of the situation (which includes emotional and verbal abuse on his part) for years and asked me the ultimate quesiton - "Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?". So like many long time couples - our son is now 29 - after soul-searching, I answer that question "no" and gather the courage to move forward.





Posted by pc1174



 

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Why My Marriage Will Come To an End After 31 Years

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Message 29 of 45


Our marriage had been "in trouble" since before we married. We never should have been married. Over the years, when the timing would have been right for a divorce, one event after another happened to make me feel I had to wait. My husband is Catholic and would never be the one to file. First a child, then a business failure, then he had serious health issues for over two years resulting in a leg amputation, then I had the great experience of traveling around the world with him for his job, then I had cancer, then he lost his job, and another one and another one. The money I had saved to start a new life had to be used to pay bills. We have never had a "real" loving marriage, just stayed together for convenience. My 90 year-old Mother has been aware of the situation (which includes emotional and verbal abuse on his part) for years and asked me the ultimate quesiton - "Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?". So like many long time couples - our son is now 29 - after soul-searching, I answer that question "no" and gather the courage to move forward.

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Re: why marriages fail after 25 years

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Message 30 of 45


In Response to Re: why marriages fail after 25 years:



Ours was doomed from the beginning. He came on strong and I was flattered. We got along, but he acted "hurt" if I didn't go along with his emotional suffocation of me. His stages were 1) "Oh you would never go out with me. You're so pretty and I'm nothing..." 2) "You'll go out with me? Let's get married in a few months. I bet people can tell right now that we're a couple."  3) Can WE get rid of your books? Come on, you're not a team player if you won't do it. 4) Okay, MAYBE... I'll call off the divorce if you'll clear out the basement. 5) I've filed for divorce. I never liked you anyway.



At the time, I was almost 30, wanted to be married, wanted to have kids, we agreed that I'd be the at-home parent, so I am behind on 20+ years of job skills.



 



Oh, and after he filed, he stayed in our house and our bed for an extra 18 months, using the divorce filing as emotional abuse. "Okay, maybe....I'll call off the divorce if you'll jump through this next hoop.  Do you really have to save your wedding dress???"





Posted by mamareb



 



Your posting really brings those memories flooding in.  At the time I didn't recognize the pattern of emotional abuse and I still have a hard time with that, even though I've been out of the marriage for moe than 20 years.



I remember the day when he was on my door step with two cardboard boxes of belongings and the sad face and the news that his room mate had thrown him out.  We had only been dating for a month and had been having fun but it wasn't serious.  He had already made several comments about how lucky I was to have come out of a divorce with a house (that I paid for) while he lost everything.  I said he could stay with me until he found another apartment.  That never happened because he was so depressed.



He had two children that I really enjoyed.  His ex-wife said he was allowed weekend visitation but not his girlfriend.  Unless we married he couldn't spend time with the children.



The next thing was that I was unreasonable to expect him to live in a house that I had once shared with another man.  We needed a new house that would be ours.  The one we found was twice the drive to and from work and twice the payment.  He told me on the way back from the bank that he had lost his job.



The list could continue for another 16 years until  I finally went into therapy.  I kept believing that something  was wrong with me that I couldn't make him happy no matter what I did.  Now it seems so obvious and I can't believe  I was so stupid.  After all, how could I be manipulated if he was actually happy?



I'm so grateful to be out of that game and hope I can recognize it in the future.

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