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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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I was married for 22 years. The marriage was not good from the beginning. I am a Mormon who was married in the temple and was told how sacred the covenants were when we married so I hung in there until I couldn't. If I had not married in the Mormon Temple I would have been gone within 5 years. My marriage was never good. I could never made it good. It took me 22 years to figure that out.

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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It's good to hear from a husband, as most of the time these sorts of forums only have the wife's point of view. Sorry to hear about your struggle to understand why your wife would leave, but one thing stands out to me about your comments. The way you interpret how sex and love are sort of the same thing is traditionally how a man thinks about it. Women put it together differently, and for me, I feel sexually attractive/attracted when the other emotional attachments are secure. Often men seem to think if they're giving their partner an orgasm, that should be enough. They think that way because that's how it works for them. If you really want to understand the problem, ask her and then try not to interpret her answers from your perspective; listen carefully to what she says. 

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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I filed for divorce this year after many years of marriage.  My husband is a gambler and he committed adultery.  We went to counseling and prayed alot, but he did not want to move on without those things.  I prayed and went to counseling for myself and now I have the strength to move on.  I deserve better.  I realize I spent a lot of our marriage uphappy and he was having a ball.  We deserve happiness.

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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Scared and Money kept me in place plus the put downs that , I'd never make it on my own - subtle verbal abuse that I just got used to. Older, smarter, still more scared that I will run out of time and good health. No one ever listened that the relationship always needed help. 54 years later he may have finally got my message. Ignored no more. Drowning in responsibilities to manage his life so he could do his thing has me gasping - I want out.
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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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Married 54 yrs. Tired of  picking  up the pieces after partners yrs of bad decisions. Tired of being the property manager and the housekeeper , being the cheap labour. A word of gratitude along the way would have meant a great deal. Still full of energy and spirit. A few yrs of retirement winters in the south, few visits from husband Proved how happy I could be on my own,  valued by others as a friend and personality.  Realized I could be a whole appreciated, attractive and delightful person with a magnitude of interests.  Can't  take the silent treatment, being a non entity any more. With what years left I will not continue as an non entity.  No animosity on my part I can keep it all friendly, 3 married children, 8 grand. Reasons to be civil. 

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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22 years and no benefits at all?  Was there any good in your marriage at the 5 year hurdle, at the 10 year mark perhaps, if no "benefits" were there in the beginning, then why did you wait until the 22nd year to divorce?

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I completly agree.  I am worth more than just sex.  I divorced him after 42 years of marriage because that is all I meant to him.  He remarried 9 months after divorce was final.  She had 3 husbands before him.  I hope he gets everything he deserves.

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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100% correct. Women file for the divorce 80% of the time. But for unmarried couples, men and women are equally likely to initate the breakup. The difference is the huge financial incentive women have to get divorced and collect lifelong alimony payments after a long marriage. 

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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I am 66. It is now almost nine months that the woman I loved decided to leave me. There was no infidelity, no abuse of any sort and we have enough money with zero debt. I was ill but am now much better thanks to new medical treatment that has made a huge difference. Even though I was ill it wasn't something that put me out of action, so to speak. She left me for reasons she can't seem to say with any conviction. Just things like "all you think of is yourself" and "you spend too much time worrying about your health". When ones health is something serious it is something to worry about. It was that "worrying" that put me on the road to recovery but it is much too late for that woman and our 44 year marriage. 

 

I read a study recently that shows in couples in their sixties and older the women will sometimes leave their partner because of health but for some reason men never do. That was me and I would never have left her no matter what. I take my marriage vow very seriously but she broke it for me.

 

All the talk about sex and how men think with their pants alone doesn't see what is really happening. There are many men that think about sex as the one way that they can really say "I love you" and be sure the message can't be misunderstood. Just saying "I love you" can be nothing more than habit. It isn't the pleasure that is the most important, it is being so close together that matters. It is the oxytocin hormone that cranks up the feeling of true love between a couple. Without sex all you have left is compassion, if you are lucky. The passion has left.

 

I will be looking for another woman, one who is still interested in sex although that doesn't come first but is still very important. I was tested recently for my testosterone level and the result was very amazing. I still have the level of an 18 year old which very clearly explains why I have been feeling so alone. Sure, I have been thinking of myself, but in bed with her is where I was thinking and it was no longer a part of our marriage. Still, I would not have left her. 

 

I guess she got tired of me asking her every few months to spend some quality time together and then becoming depressed when it didn't happen. I finally gave up on asking her so now she thinks I only think of myself.

 

It has become very clear that she didn't understand me at all. All I wanted was to spend more time together with her, up close and personal. That is what kept our marriage going for so long and it was good as long as it lasted but it finally ended about ten years ago. Still, I would have kept my vow.

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Re: why couples divorce after so many years of marriage

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Not if you have had breast cancer!

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