When Do You Know To Give Up?

[purdue1086]

We have been married for 32 years and the last 8 have been very rough. We have two grown children and both are out of the house the last one moved out last summer. We seam to have less and less in common and hardly have any conversation. When I am gone on business trips our phone calls are less then 5 min with nothing being ask about what I did or how the trip is going. Our physical activity basically left 8 plus years ago..... she doesn’t want to do anything just stay at home....

I don’t hate her, but it seams the spark is gone and has been and I am tired of trying and getting no where but I am scared to do anything, I guess I don’t want to hurt anyone....  I want the feeling of wanting to come home but I don’t have that and feel like I have a roommate.

any my suggestions or ideas?..

[GaryT58030]

No they passed away 2 days apart

[Anonymous]

Luv your <tips and paper> @JenniferM274467 I will <add>.

• An addict of <any kind> has to <want to change>. There is nothing you can do if they donot want to! Learn't that in my 1st Al Anon Meeting for folks who care about an addict. Didnot have to go to a 2nd meeting as I now <understood>. I was pregnant at the time, <scared and getting way too much pressure to stay with him from both sides of family>. I wanted my unborn child to have a life of <peace and stability>. She thanked me at age 18 and wants nothing to do with her dad. Who is still an addict (drugs, alcohol and a don't want to work habit). Yes, a momma's boy who lies for him. I keep <hoping> he will <change> for our daughter. But she is now 34 and..... Glad I had her. For a very long time I wanted zero. I call her my "one and only" and had her late in life. Luv her to death 🤗

[Anonymous]

Would you get married <again> @JenniferM274467 ? Lol, me <no way>. One time was enough!! 🤣😂

[JenniferM274467]

I think the best advice I would give someone is this:  Don't beat yourself up.  Sure, part of it is your fault - it takes 2 to end or have a relationship.  But don't be overcome with grief and sorrow.  Pick yourself up, be thankful for what you had and take the time to be thrilled the negative side is over and you can have a happy day, more peace, no chaos....look for the positives.  Humiliated?  It will pass.  Love yourself anyway because you're worth it. 

I wrote a paper years ago in college and I have not waivered from it:  House of Love = foundation of friendship - if this does not exist, you are building on quicksand and your structure will not be built ; 4 pillars - respect, communication, honesty and trust - if any of these are missing, you cannot rise above friendship because your walls won't stand and if they stand on weak terms, the first storm will tear apart your walls and you will be left with cracked foundation wondering if the friendship was even real.  On the walls, you want hugs, kisses, resolved conflicts, kids, families, memories, strength, sickness, wellness, tears, laughter, conversation, etc.  The roof is love; the front door is teamwork - those make outsiders feel welcome.  They look in the windows of your home and feel warmth, happiness.  They want what you have.  It all starts and is built with the foundation and 4 pillars. Without that strong base, you have nothing - move on - count your lucky stars they didn't reel you in.  🙂  Dodged a bullet.  Woohoo!  LOL  

[Anonymous]

Did they get divorced in 1960 @GaryT58030 ?

[GaryT58030]

I was fortunate enough to be with my great grand parents  and even though they wernt romantic around anyone that never meant there was no feelings. I know they loved each other they got married in 1902 and stayed together until 1960. They showed their love by doing little things sharing moments reliving past things they did sharing good things changed around their lives together;  Just a thought your wife maybe suffering an empty nest syndrom she could be depressed maybe a trip your Doctor would help.

[Anonymous]

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@JenniferM274467 wrote:

Yes, and when communication stops these days, it goes hand-in-hand with passwords everywhere so the sneaking begins.  They quit speaking to you while creating a life on the side.  Some folks don't like being alone and need a replacement before releasing you. 

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💥That is why I will <never do online dating> @JenniferM274467 . Lol, they lie in <real life>, online gives them more options 😱 💥

[Anonymous]

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@JenniferM274467 wrote:

If a person loves you, they would show you and want you to know they care.  It would come naturally.  If they don't show you and just say words, I called this lying by omission and empty rhetoric.  Actions speak louder than words.  

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💥I agree @JenniferM274467 . Wish I had known this years ago. Like you, I walked away 😉 💥

[Anonymous]

Hi @JenniferM274467 what advice would you offer? Luv your spirit!!! I am sure your tips can help.

[JenniferM274467]

This has been a year for me where I learned the importance of something God-based with morals and values.  If you don't have that, you don't have a relationship. You have someone that says they love you while cheating on you and using you for a paycheck, nothing less - nothing more.  I have learned this lesson where you need to be be on the same page with morals and values, standards to live by, in order to have compatibility, communication, honesty, trust, respect and a strong relationship.  

Marriage counseling....for standard people, I would applaud that.  I think therapy is good for couples.  However, I learned in my own experience with an addict, that if they take you to counseling to sabotage you, put you down, hate on you and never follows through with the recommendations, don't go.  No one should be berated like that and if a person is inclined to do so, the relationship is over so you don't need counseling.  You need divorce lawyers.  If two people want to build trust, really work on the relationship, then I applaud therapy and couples retreats.  Just has to be for the right reasons.