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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 1 of 20

You speak the words of the wise.

 

You are right and it is so true, wherever you go, there you are.  I sometimes wonder though, and not just in marriages, that if maybe all of us have grown into expecting something more then there really is?  If people are so unhappy with themselves that much, I cannot figure out as to what has drove everyone into this shell, this ball and chain that cannot seem to be broken free from.

 

Like you said which is excellent,  "in being the right person" and I agree it's the only way. One must be happy with themselves first before they can share any level of commitment with someone else.

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 2 of 20

Yours seemed to be a well thought out response. It is amazing how often a divorce and remarriage ends up being in the same place as the previous one.  "No matter where you go, there you are".  You bring yourself into whatever you do. So it sometimes isn't about finding the right person, but in being the right person. You can make better choices that way.  

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 3 of 20

So where do you stand on your marriage now?  Did you leave or are you still wrestling with the idea of leaving and calling it quits?

 

I often find me alone reminding myself as to why I got married. I remember looking at my former spouse and thought I would do anything for her and nothing could ever make us part. I remember she had the same look and thoughts as well.  But we all know that life then gets in the way and it changes everything for us. Life sometimes brings us closer together and sometimes it rips our relationships apart. Now I get to spend my days wondering why I got divorced, jokes on me.

 

Only you can define what is important to you.  Is happiness that important?  What is true happiness? Is it money, love, having a burger to eat everyday?  Point is, happiness is defined differently by each person and our definitions radically change as we get older.

 

I remember when I was 25, my motorcycle made me very happy.  Now today, I still have that same motorcycle and she is a beauty, but it's not the same anymore, it does not make me as happy when I first got it. 

 

I know many (men mostly, since I am a man) people that have left their spouse because they were not happy and found someone else. And of course I talked to each one of them trying to get them to make sure they knew what they were doing. Funny thing is that all of them said how great their new find was, to only hear a couple of years later, "I'm not happy" from them. I just smile at them and say "G, go figure".   I realized in time that the problem with my friends was that they were not happy with themselves to begin with and they thought that getting with someone else would make them happy. Now one friend did in fact get a much healthier and loving relationship in his second marriage, but the other 17 did not do so good, not very good odds overall in my opinion.

 

Remember the saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side".

 

So my point is, I am looking at my motorcycle, I am happy with it and if I went today and bought a brand new $50,000 custom bike, would I be happier?   No, I have a bike, it's perfectly fine, but it's me that has to decide if I am happy with what I have, not someone else. 

 

I agree that finding the right someone else can bring spice and a level of satisfaction, completeness, wholeness and yes an extended level of happiness into ones life to an extent. I still say though, each person must be stable and happy with themselves first, so you can share that happiness with someone else. If you don't have a stable foundation of happiness with yourself first you could end up down the same road you are on now.

 

You sound like a good person.  You have worked on your marriage, you have recognized your level of love in the marriage has changed, and I see much care from you still trying to save your marriage. You have just hit that point in the vow "or for worse". I can tell you are and have been struggling with what to do, it's a very hard situation.

 

I suggest you define exactly what happiness is for you first. Only you can decide if it is time to move on and start a new life road or stay on the road you are on now. It's all up to you.

 

 

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 4 of 20

It's a tough choice to make. Right now, you are telling yourself that leaving will make you happy, (or at least it sounds that way from the title) that the person you have an interest in, will like the change in your status. My thought would be, only make drastic changes for yourself. If you think that being out of your marriage, living on your own, creating a new existance for yourself is what will make you happy, then do it. If however, your leaving this marriage is with the thought that a new relationship is one you will walk into and live happily ever after, then do a reality check...... It may be that your wife would like a change in her status too. If you can, discuss the whole situation with your wife in a calm manner, your opening remark would need to be a questions on whether or not she is happy with the status of your marriage. Then really listen. Don't argue or defend, just hear what she is saying. Give your decision the time and effort it takes to make the right choice.  Good luck to you. 

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 5 of 20

How are my comments inappropriate???? I ask for suggestions and input not to be judge by someone.... Unreal no clue how you can even say it's inappropriate..... Thanks to alll that have actual given constructive comments not judge me.

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 6 of 20

Everyone's situation is different.  But your comments are totally inappropriate.  Some people change and then.... some of us change OUR behavior with the result being that everything and everyone to change.  Example.  If you generally argue with your spouse, be quiet.  Not easy.  Might even be impossible.  But if you remain quiet, there is no argument.  None of us can actually change another person's behavior.  However, we can, in fact change how we react to that behavior.

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 7 of 20

Have you said all this to your wife? Before you do another thing, give her that. You've poured your heart out to a bunch of strangers on the internet - the least you can do is tell her how you feel. She probably has no idea and is in just as much pain as you are.

 

Don't leave the relationship before bringing out all the things that you are writing about here, so she isn't blindsided. She may have depression or other libido-crushing issues, too. Don't toss it all out just because someone else is paying attention to you.

 

It is obvious you want your wife to be more attentive and physical, so have a sit down - and be gentle. Speak with love, with care - you may be surprised by her reaction. In order to get you have to give. Good luck! 

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 8 of 20
Get out. I'm in the same place. There's no way that she will change, so it is up to you.
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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 9 of 20

No sex for the past 12 years with wife of 30+ years. She has health issues and says she can't do the sex thing any longer! We married for better or worse until death do us part! So, here I am holding on, trying to stay happy as can and trying to enjoy what part of marriage we still have! It's hard because sex to me is improtant as I have a high sex drive even at 70+ years old! A man or woman must do waht his/her heart tells him/her to do and go forward with that! I do have a female friend, but she is only that and she also has issues with health but I would like for it to go further as far as the sex thing! 

Just work it out in your own mind and go for it!

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Re: Stay in a 29 year Loveless Sexless Marriage or Leave and Be Happy?

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Message 10 of 20

@jp6063181 - Only YOU can answer the question "why do I stay .." You can go for therapy yourself, to examine that, and help you take the step to move on with your own life.


Registered on Online Community since 2007!
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