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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Message 1 of 7

@laupost There are plenty of posts from folks who have gone through late life divorce, so I suggest reading them if you have not already. Here's a topic list for the forum in case you haven't seen it: http://community.aarp.org/t5/Late-Life-Divorce/bd-p/bg41

 

Best regards,

Epster

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Making the decision whether or not to end a marriage after nearly 28 years IS a big decision. I doubt it is the biggest decision of my life. My life isn't over. I think making it seem HUGE doesn't help and takes it out of perspective. It is important, but not life or death.

 

I'm sure others who have made the decision to divorce after decades have had a similar struggle and similar fears over whether they are doing the right thing, whether they really are ready to end things.

 

Learning to say "No" is a biggie. I wasn't raised in an environment where my voice was taken seriously. Being good meant sacrificing your needs for others frequently. I could have bolted instead of marrying my husband. I was young. I had no idea what I was really getting into. I doubt many people even have any idea what I have gone through. Most of the info on prostate cancer focuses on the male, not how it affects the woman or the relationship. Sex creates a connection. You have to be vulnerable as well and trust. When things happen to damage that trust, to hurt someone, it is hard to repair. It is complicated I'm afraid.

 

When you simply don't have romantic feelings for someone, the regard you would someone you care about abd the relationship becomes mostly a living arrangement, a marriage of convenience, it's a difficult decision. Things can remain that way, but at what price emotionally? Is it being truthful to yourself and the other?

 

We have had some "real" discussion of the matter recently but we both avoid discussing it further at the moment. I think we're both hesitant. Things aren't so bad but this really isn't a marriage. It makes it hard to make a decision. We both know it's not a marriage.

 

I came here to get any insight into others who have contemplated or gone through with divorce later in life.

 

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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Message 3 of 7

Hello laupost,

 

Seems like you have a big decision to make...............perhaps the biggest one of your life?

 

Lets see if I have this correct, so you got married when you were 24 years old and he was 48 years old back then, and today you are 52 years old and he is now 76? And you have been married for 28 years together..........................and now (and perhaps for some time now) you want a divorce.

 

Is your husband retired? I would just like to know for sure, it won't matter to me, but I would like to know.

 

28 years of your life is a very long time to give to someone and a marriage to only have it end.

 

I understand the frustration you must have endured over the years on the intimacy part of the marriage. To some couples sex it is important and to some couples it is not that important, it all depends on the health and strength of the marriage. You are currently "judging" the past 28 years of your marriage, the things that have or have not happened, good or bad, it is all on the table now and you are reviewing it all.........................................this is the phase where women (it's not good or bad, it's just a fact) say in the relationship stage,  "it's complicated".......................so lets NOT let it get too complicated for you, even though some of your marriage years have already hit some of those "complex" relationship situations.

 

Let me ask you this, "If your husband told you to jump off a bridge, WOULD you?" or would you tell him "NO, I am not doing it". Why would you be afraid to tell him "NO"?.......................my point here is that you cannot be afraid of change and to tell others what you want. Also, YOU cannot be afraid of your decisions that you will or will not make.

 

I do have more thoughts and ideas to share with you, but I really want you to focus on this being "scared" issue. You need to keep going over in your mind the "being scared and afraid" and when I send my second post, I think you will understand why it is important for you to focus on such issues.

 

Talk to ya soon,

noblefool

 

 

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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Message 4 of 7

@laupost I'm glad you reposted. 

 

Quite honestly, I know zilch about late life divorce. I can only tell you how my heart responds to your words (and hope a qualified responder shows up soon!). To me it sounds like you are doing the right thing, that you have been honest with yourself and know what course you wish to take. To me it sounds like he is embarrassed and/or angry and wants to make sure you are miserable in order to control you. I don't understand that dynamic as love. I'd say if he really wanted to keep you as a life partner, he'd be wise to start valuing what you bring to the relationship rather than belittling it. Him being 24 years your senior is no excuse for treating you like his child. 

 

Who would not stare at the front door in this situation? Marriage is a partnership, a place of sanctuary where you help each other navigate the junk encountered in life. Life is too tough to go through it without emotional support, which, I think, is a huge part of the primary relationship.

 

I hope you continue in therapy. I wish you success in figuring out your next step, and I wish you peace along the way. No matter what, better days are ahead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Message 5 of 7

Epster...Thank you. I posted late last night and slept on it...felt embarrassed and deleted when I woke up.

 

I'll repost and hope to be a little briefer.

 

I'm 52, husband 76. Married nearly 28 yrs. Husband diagnosed with prostate cancer 8 months before we were married. We've basically never had a normal sex life.

 

I got therapy about 12 years into our marriage after I fell in to a depression. Realized it was from dealing with the effect from the prostate cancer (inpotence, incontinence)  and that I was really too young to understand what I was getting in to.

 

Our relationship is too parental/ child like. He's very educated and I'm no dummy but he talks down to me and has blamed me for sex problems even though I have always been the one to seek solutions like viagra  etc. There were always issues with those for him. Sex became work. One particular comment he made in bed in anger 10 yrs ago made me realize things were basically over.

 

We went to marriage counseling 3 yrs ago. It didn't do much. He thinks he knows what I feel, was trying to assert himself so he was always at same level of therapist rather than really listen to me.

 

I have felt for years that I want my own place. If I'm honest I know I want a divorce. I'm in therapy by myself to work all this out. I realize I've been emotionally manupulated. He throws verbal bonbs that make me doubt myself, feel guilty, keep me from acting.

 

I'm codependent and scared on some level to leave.

 

I just need to have the courage to take action. I know I want to live differently than he does in many ways.

 

If he were horrible all the time it would easier. We do get along on many levels but we bicker a lor, go to bed in silence. There's no physical contact. I can't stand to be that vulnerable after his numerous comments. It's not fun. I'm not physically attracted. He doesn't know the extent of my unhappiness but now that I've been going to therapy I can tell he tries super hard to help out and to stifle arguments. 

 

I'm afraid to stay but I can look back on so many years that I have felt this way. I'm scared of many more years. 

 

I accept my role in this, my people pleasing, my lack of setting boundaries. 

 

Well, so much for being brief. 

Thank you epster!

 

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Re: Scared people pleasing caregiver ready to move on

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Oh @laupost, I am sorry you felt the need to delete your post. I read it twice yesterday, and wanted to respond, but know this is outside my area of expertise and was hoping someone with experience in caregiving and late life divorce would see it and reach out.

 

I can say this: your situation sounds like utter hades. I would not be able to see a future in that circumstance and would be finding ways to breathe, ie a separate living space, a separation or divorce, a live-in caregiver, something.

 

I wish you well and will be praying for you.

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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