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Re: Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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Hi, I too was married for almost 30 years. I was in more Shelters' and learned about a  Mistress for more than six decades.  I am the one who found out.  I know our circumstances are different.  I feel once a person cheat?  They will always do this to you.  I know, because I separated from him, and he still had his mistress.  I tried to go to counseling with him; again he lied to the counselor.  There was nothing more to do.  I pray for you and your situation.  Remember, ask counselors many questions before you pick one out.

Cynthia Early
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Re: Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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It was your loss of desire for sex. I know you can't help it but women just do not understand how vitally important it is to me. Of course I don't know your whole situation but for most of us men, it really is that simple.
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Re: Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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You are in a relation since 32 years, which is very long. Somewhere you both have a better understanding thats why you are together for so many years. I think you both should take a fresh start and make your married life again beautiful. You can also take advice from voyance pure consultant that can help you to take future decisions. We get life once, we should not waste time to decide what is wrong and what is right? Try to make things get better.

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Re: Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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32 years is a very long time! Something brought you 2 together and something has kept you 2 together for this long. Seems like you both have made some mistakes and yet you worked it out and your marriage continued. 

 

We all have this vision of marriage bliss "For better" and we forget about "or for Worse" part.  That's where we all get our hearts handed to us thinking the worst things will never happen.  I cannot see where he is intentionally trying to hurt you and I am not trying to justify what he has done. He has put his self needs above the marriage and that's the real problem.

 

You said you had affairs in the past due to self esteem.  You didn't have the affairs to hurt him, it was about something within you at the time.  Just maybe, his affair is not about you and within him and his fears or lack of something. It sounds like he is willing to give up his side show and work on the marriage.  I think he needs something, I think he needs and wants you. I think he wants the marriage to work or he would have already left out the door running. Don't get me wrong, he has crossed a very dangerous line, but I believe you both still have something worth saving.

 

It all boils down to what type of relationship you want to have or maintain with your husband.

 

What is important to you? 

 

Is the marriage important to you?

 

Is he a good friend aside from everything else that has happened?

 

Do you trust him aside from the current issues that are going on with him?

 

I think you should talk to him more and tell him how you feel and make it clear of how his selfish needs are hurting your marriage. You both survived a storm once in your marriage and you both have chosen to go counseling now for a reason. I believe there is still something there worth saving in your marriage, for both of you.

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Re: Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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Oh my.

 

As I'm reading your description of the situation, it doesn't seem as though you're terribly hurt. i could be wrong but you seem pretty flat about it? is that right? you can kind of see why he did it, if he was looking for passion. you're okay with working with him, out of necessity.

 

what do YOU want to do?

 

the passion in marriages does cool. you can make a concerted effort to rekindle. counseling helps, as does sex therapy, someone who really focuses on the sex. 

 

is he really going to stop?

 

are you at all open to an 'open' marriage? no sneaking around, you have the option of seeing someone else. just thinking out loud.

 

if you're both kind of stuck and the kids are grown, and you're financially secure, you COULD focus on enriching your marriage, go on a 'cell phone free' cruise, go on a couples' massage retreat.

 

or you could say, heck, i'm up for something new, and separate, get your own place, see how that feels.

 

what do you think now? it's been almost 2 weeks since you posted.

 

jane

 

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Married 32 years - just found out about a 2 year affair - stay or go?

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I'll try to stick to the important details.  We've been married for 32 years.  Two weeks ago, after noticing some strange behavior for several weeks, I broke into his phone and the first person on the list was Marie.  I don't know a Marie.  When I read a few of the texts, they were graphic and left no doubt about the nature of the relationship.  For the record, my Husband's phone has been locked for years and I  never thought about invading his privacy like that.  I did it that day because of his odd behavior, and because I was furious with him about something insensitive he did that day.

 

Over the past two weeks, the details have come out.  They had been seeing each other for over 2 years.  I searched his phone records and discovered that during the prior 7 months, he and Marie had exchanged well over 10,000 text messages, picture texts, and calls.  He told me they were meeting at cheap hotels for long lunches 2 to 3 times a month (his estimate).   They exchanged 128 texts on my most recent birthday, as well as all day on Christmas.  He communicated with her during our past two big summer vacations (Europe and Dominican Republic), even sending her picture texts from the DR trip which was just a month ago.

 

He says he was ending it right when I found out.  He first told me she broke up with him.  Then he claimed it was mutual, then he said he broke it off.   He says he wants to make our marriage work.

One more detail - he sought it out.  He was using an unnamed website to contact women who were in the same situation.  There were two other women with whom he had a huge volume of communications with, but he swears those were all talk, no action.

 

Our marriage had become very complacent.  Due to some physical issues of mine (IBS) and menopause, I lost the desire for frequent sex.  Our sex life would vascillate between a burst of activity over a few days to none for a month or even two.  It was never a totally sexless marriage.   Also, even though we live and work together (his small business), we had become somewhat distant and withdrawn from the marriage.  In spite of this, I was still very surprised that he took the step to have an affair.   One other detail - about 8 years into the marriage, I was a stay at home mom and had a brief series of affairs over the period of a year.  None lasted more than a few weeks, and they were all about self esteem.  He discovered the situation, we went to counseling, and we stayed together.  Our 3 children were all under 10 at the time.

 

So, now I'm trying to deicde if I want to work on this marriage, or walk away. I don't want to decide out of fear or any other poor reason.  We have begun marriage counseling, and I have moved to the upstairs bedroom.  I am considering moving out for a month or more to get some space, but I will still see him every day due to work.  Other people's livelihoods are dependent on my working and performing at my job so I can't just walk away from my job.

 

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Helen

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