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Re: re: Loneliness

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Even socializing cannot keep you away from feeling lonely because it’s the intimacy that you are lacking. And if you have felt like this for a longer period of time, where loneliness doesn’t seem to leave your hand then you might be suffering from <a href="https://getwellforever.com/harmful-effects-of-chronic-loneliness-its-symptoms-and-risks-involved/">c... loneliness.</a>

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re: Loneliness

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Yes, I hear you. But you actually *are* younger than you can see right now. It does hurt to remember painful things, and so maybe, put those particular memories away for awhile and let your feelings come and go.  They will even out over time. Hang in there.  It gets a lot better, honestly.


DrEm

  Thanks so much for your advice!


SallyJo

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re: Loneliness

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  I don't feel "young".  I feel old and used. 


Thanks for the idea to think about his face and his voice as he betrayed me rather than as he once loved me.  It makes me cry to do that, though.


Sometimes, I can imagine what it will be like to be happy again.  But, Joy?  I can't imagine that.


SallyJo

Yes, I hear you. But you actually *are* younger than you can see right now. It does hurt to remember painful things, and so maybe, put those particular memories away for awhile and let your feelings come and go.  They will even out over time. Hang in there.  It gets a lot better, honestly.


DrEm

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re: Loneliness

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Message 4 of 13
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 SallyJo-


Thanks for your affirmations.  I have written a few things, but have had another career for most of my adult life. 


As to weathering things well, no, I did not at first and I suffered too much. But, I did not die literally and that is the key in the end. 


You know, having trust issues only means that we have been betrayed and hurt badly by someone or maybe by a couple of "someones." It is normal for human beings to feel wary about ever allowing an opportunity for that same betrayal and hurt to recur.  In that case, we "close off" a part of ourselves in protective mode, again, all normal parts of our human response to pain that feels unbearable.


As to closing off oneself, I think of how I did this for far too long and for all of my missed opportunities and time lost.  All of the gorgeous sunrises that sneaked into *my* mornings, the lovely sunsets that tried to grace my evenings, and all of the potentially beautiful moments in between...are things that I cannot recover for they are gone along with the time I gave up to self-protection and sorrow mode.  He was not worth it, of course, but at that time, I could scarcely see where else and whom else to be without him. 


When you mention your longing to see his face, to hear his voice, and to reach over and touch him as you lay alone in the bed you once shared: yes, I understand this.  You were together for a very long time.  But, as time goes, you will see those same eyes in your imagination and you will also feel the sting of his betrayal. The same will happen with his voice that you now idealize, for that is the same voice he used to tell you he was leaving. And, soon you will feel free and whole in a bed without him. 


Sixty-three is still very young in today's models of wellness, beauty, and social connnections.  You are further along than you think, just keep breathing and keep going.  Joy will enter little by little until one day, your pain will transform itself into a small reminder but not a gut-wrenching feeling.  And, you will start to become the free and wonderful butterfly you were meant to be all along once let out of your cocoon.  


DrEm

  I don't feel "young".  I feel old and used. 


Thanks for the idea to think about his face and his voice as he betrayed me rather than as he once loved me.  It makes me cry to do that, though.


Sometimes, I can imagine what it will be like to be happy again.  But, Joy?  I can't imagine that.


SallyJo

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re: Loneliness

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  Hello Dr.Em and thanks for your reply.


Are you a writer?  If not, you should be.  Your thought-process is easy to follow in your writing and I found it to be very helpful.


It sounds like you have weathered your marriages and divorces very well.  You do have that trust issue, but I haven't been able to find very many divorcees who don't have that same problem.  And, I am sure that I will be one of them.  It's hideous to do what he has done to me and I'm sure that I will remain gun-shy for the rest of my life.


I'm 63 years old; married for 43 years.  I have spent most of my years being married to this one man who took an oath before God and witnesses that he would be faithful to me all the days of our lives.  If he can break that oath with such coldness and detach from me so easily, any other man could do it too.  I'm not even going to "go" there.


Since I've never lived alone before, I'm having to adjust to that, too.  Sometimes I just ache for him to be here with me; to see his face and hear his voice.  When does that stop?


I've still got a long way to go, don't I?


SallyJo


 


 

 SallyJo-


Thanks for your affirmations.  I have written a few things, but have had another career for most of my adult life. 


As to weathering things well, no, I did not at first and I suffered too much. But, I did not die literally and that is the key in the end. 


You know, having trust issues only means that we have been betrayed and hurt badly by someone or maybe by a couple of "someones." It is normal for human beings to feel wary about ever allowing an opportunity for that same betrayal and hurt to recur.  In that case, we "close off" a part of ourselves in protective mode, again, all normal parts of our human response to pain that feels unbearable.


As to closing off oneself, I think of how I did this for far too long and for all of my missed opportunities and time lost.  All of the gorgeous sunrises that sneaked into *my* mornings, the lovely sunsets that tried to grace my evenings, and all of the potentially beautiful moments in between...are things that I cannot recover for they are gone along with the time I gave up to self-protection and sorrow mode.  He was not worth it, of course, but at that time, I could scarcely see where else and whom else to be without him. 


When you mention your longing to see his face, to hear his voice, and to reach over and touch him as you lay alone in the bed you once shared: yes, I understand this.  You were together for a very long time.  But, as time goes, you will see those same eyes in your imagination and you will also feel the sting of his betrayal. The same will happen with his voice that you now idealize, for that is the same voice he used to tell you he was leaving. And, soon you will feel free and whole in a bed without him. 


Sixty-three is still very young in today's models of wellness, beauty, and social connnections.  You are further along than you think, just keep breathing and keep going.  Joy will enter little by little until one day, your pain will transform itself into a small reminder but not a gut-wrenching feeling.  And, you will start to become the free and wonderful butterfly you were meant to be all along once let out of your cocoon.  


DrEm

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re: Loneliness

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Message 6 of 13
In Response to post:

 Hello, Sally-


I am usually wary of joining online groups and about sharing myself too easily.  Having been burned in relationships (two prior marriages and harsh divorces, now finally, fairly happily remarried), I am still a bit reticent.  But, I finally saw the group you started and as I read some entries, I realize that I still suffer from post-divorce issues, too. 


Loneliness...yes, difficult and not yet sure exactly what works.  I know all of the ways to help it, but...trust issues abound.  Yes, I did finally take a 3rd chance on marriage...he is actually a good guy and we have worked through many things, but...I have learned that marriages may not last and that human beings are fully capable of deceit and harm.  So, not easy to unlearn pain, is it?  I am alive, though, and recovering slowly but surely. So, that is good. Smiley Happy


About getting a bad deal in a divorce: Yes, twice! I did have attorneys but my first husband...well, both of us were terribly young and clueless and he refuses to every grow up even to help our kids (adults now)  at his age of 56...and my second marriage...a disaster.  He was powerful and wealthy and a charmer, and...I was still very young. So, he honestly bought off my attorneys, scared me nearly to death, and had a mistress for years on the side.  Yes, they married six months after our divorce and...had two children very quickly.  I do not care how he is doing; I only want for him to stay away from me and my children and grandchildren so that he never hurts us again.


If my3rd marriage ends, what I know is this: I will recover and go on. I will make friends.  I am 55 but still beautiful, at least inside and a tiny bit outside. I have a quick wit, am smart, am intuitive, I persevere, and...this is what I tell my husband of now:


"I love you. But...if you ever harm me intentionally and in grievous ways or are dishonest with me in big ways (affairs, money issues, trust concerning my life and health, children, etc.)...this is my life you are affecting. It is short and I do not need more pain.  I am taking a chance on you and betting that you will not let me down.  If you do...here is what you can expect:  I will hire the meannest and most shrewd divorce attorney available to me.  I will sue you for harming me and you will support me for a very long time financially because I have chronic illnesses and because I have been a good and faithful wife to you.  I will not cry past a few days as that is a further waste of my life and energy. I will turn my back and walk, not looking back, and I will learn quickly to forget that you ever existed.  That is, except for the spousal support checks that you will send through my attorney and deposit into a trust.  So, the choice is always yours. Again, please remember that I love you and that is whay I am even here. " 


Yes, love can be destroyed by another who hurts us badly enough. And husbanding: definition is for men or for women..."to watch over faithfully, to not throw away, to protect and cherish, to take good care of"...if one fails to do this, especially intentionally, then that party has already broken the marriage contract.  Divorce is only the legal separation of affairs, assets, who help who financially, etc. 


About Rebuilders and other groups...sounds good!  Yes, they are localized and therapist or facilitator dependent, but great tools for re-finding one's life.  There *are* fabulous and trustworthy men out there at every age! Having been there, and still there in some ways (but absolutely faithful to my husband...probably to a fault as I have been hurt that way)...I know this to be the truth.


Loneliness is part of our human condition, albeit a painful part.  We can reach out to others in careful and kind ways, by sharing laughter, by offering appropriate help, and by accepting appropriate help. Eventually, and in our own ways that honor all that we are, we find friends, we find love again, and our lives are happier.  Not perfect, but once again...or maybe for the first time, happy. 


You will get through this divorce.  Hang in there.  It gets a lot better soon and you deserve only great things!


DrEm

  Hello Dr.Em and thanks for your reply.


Are you a writer?  If not, you should be.  Your thought-process is easy to follow in your writing and I found it to be very helpful.


It sounds like you have weathered your marriages and divorces very well.  You do have that trust issue, but I haven't been able to find very many divorcees who don't have that same problem.  And, I am sure that I will be one of them.  It's hideous to do what he has done to me and I'm sure that I will remain gun-shy for the rest of my life.


I'm 63 years old; married for 43 years.  I have spent most of my years being married to this one man who took an oath before God and witnesses that he would be faithful to me all the days of our lives.  If he can break that oath with such coldness and detach from me so easily, any other man could do it too.  I'm not even going to "go" there.


Since I've never lived alone before, I'm having to adjust to that, too.  Sometimes I just ache for him to be here with me; to see his face and hear his voice.  When does that stop?


I've still got a long way to go, don't I?


SallyJo


 


 

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re: Loneliness

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Message 7 of 13
In Response to Loneliness
:

  So...how do you deal with the loneliness?


I know that I spend a good deal of time finding things "to
do" that will get me out of the house and keep my mind on
something else besides this awful divorce.  The trouble is that I
always have to come back home to this emptiness. 


I joined a faith-based divorce support group in January and found it
to be very helpful.  I made a few friends through that group and
enjoy socializing with them once a week.


And, I'm currently taking the Rebuilder's course.  It is run
nation-wide, so there could be one in your area.  We've met just
twice, but already I find it helpful.  And, again, I've met a
couple of ladies who I can tell are kindred spirits.


My sister and I have started a new business and that keeps me busy,
too.  We convert unwanted clothing into bags!  I do most of
the sewing and my sister does the hand-work.  We both do the
selling.  We haven't made much money so far, but we sure have had
fun and that's more important to me.


So, how about sharing some of the ways that you handle the loneliness!


Keep in Touch,


SallyJo


 


 


 


 


 Hello, Sally-


I am usually wary of joining online groups and about sharing myself too easily.  Having been burned in relationships (two prior marriages and harsh divorces, now finally, fairly happily remarried), I am still a bit reticent.  But, I finally saw the group you started and as I read some entries, I realize that I still suffer from post-divorce issues, too. 


Loneliness...yes, difficult and not yet sure exactly what works.  I know all of the ways to help it, but...trust issues abound.  Yes, I did finally take a 3rd chance on marriage...he is actually a good guy and we have worked through many things, but...I have learned that marriages may not last and that human beings are fully capable of deceit and harm.  So, not easy to unlearn pain, is it?  I am alive, though, and recovering slowly but surely. So, that is good. Smiley Happy


About getting a bad deal in a divorce: Yes, twice! I did have attorneys but my first husband...well, both of us were terribly young and clueless and he refuses to every grow up even to help our kids (adults now)  at his age of 56...and my second marriage...a disaster.  He was powerful and wealthy and a charmer, and...I was still very young. So, he honestly bought off my attorneys, scared me nearly to death, and had a mistress for years on the side.  Yes, they married six months after our divorce and...had two children very quickly.  I do not care how he is doing; I only want for him to stay away from me and my children and grandchildren so that he never hurts us again.


If my3rd marriage ends, what I know is this: I will recover and go on. I will make friends.  I am 55 but still beautiful, at least inside and a tiny bit outside. I have a quick wit, am smart, am intuitive, I persevere, and...this is what I tell my husband of now:


"I love you. But...if you ever harm me intentionally and in grievous ways or are dishonest with me in big ways (affairs, money issues, trust concerning my life and health, children, etc.)...this is my life you are affecting. It is short and I do not need more pain.  I am taking a chance on you and betting that you will not let me down.  If you do...here is what you can expect:  I will hire the meannest and most shrewd divorce attorney available to me.  I will sue you for harming me and you will support me for a very long time financially because I have chronic illnesses and because I have been a good and faithful wife to you.  I will not cry past a few days as that is a further waste of my life and energy. I will turn my back and walk, not looking back, and I will learn quickly to forget that you ever existed.  That is, except for the spousal support checks that you will send through my attorney and deposit into a trust.  So, the choice is always yours. Again, please remember that I love you and that is whay I am even here. " 


Yes, love can be destroyed by another who hurts us badly enough. And husbanding: definition is for men or for women..."to watch over faithfully, to not throw away, to protect and cherish, to take good care of"...if one fails to do this, especially intentionally, then that party has already broken the marriage contract.  Divorce is only the legal separation of affairs, assets, who help who financially, etc. 


About Rebuilders and other groups...sounds good!  Yes, they are localized and therapist or facilitator dependent, but great tools for re-finding one's life.  There *are* fabulous and trustworthy men out there at every age! Having been there, and still there in some ways (but absolutely faithful to my husband...probably to a fault as I have been hurt that way)...I know this to be the truth.


Loneliness is part of our human condition, albeit a painful part.  We can reach out to others in careful and kind ways, by sharing laughter, by offering appropriate help, and by accepting appropriate help. Eventually, and in our own ways that honor all that we are, we find friends, we find love again, and our lives are happier.  Not perfect, but once again...or maybe for the first time, happy. 


You will get through this divorce.  Hang in there.  It gets a lot better soon and you deserve only great things!


DrEm

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re: Loneliness

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Message 8 of 13
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 I don't know if you have a Sams Club or a WalMart around your area but they always hire older people for demo's!!  I saw three just last weekend in the wally world here..  One lady was talking about Strive gum..it was good!! and she was sitting down...heck I couldn't stand for long myself...


Sometimes even in Walgreens they have someone doing demo's and yes they do pay..


This might make you feel better just seeing other people--interacting with other people.


There is probably an Older Amercian's Council in your area...call around to churches..see if they need help serving meals on charity days when they feed the poor..getting out away from your house would be a great help!!


Keep looking up to the stars!!  I can't honestly retire for some time.  I have worked for the Department of Defense for 22 years(actually 25 but I quit and came back)--it does have its ups and downs but its a good paying job. 

  Thanks for the ideas.  I will look into finding a job just as soon as I know where I will be living.  He is going to buy my share of our home and then I am going to move someplace away from this community.  I have a lot of friends here, so that will be hard.  But, I can come back and visit and they can visit me, too.


I can't stand the idea of running into the two of them (husband and HER) and that happens a lot right now.


I've had experience in a lot of areas (secreatarial, pre-school teaching, cooking).  I hope I can find something working with chidlren; I like that the best.


Thanks again,


SallyJo

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re: Loneliness

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Message 9 of 13
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  I've never held a full-time position in my life.  I wish I had because now, at age 63, he expects me to find a good-paying job with benefits.  That's just not going to happen.  I know that having a full-time job would help with my loneliness, but employers are looking for younger women.


Do you think that having a full-time job helps with the loneliness issue? How long before you retire?  And, what is your profession? Do you have benefits with your job and if so, will they continue after retirement?  And, just what are your plans to keep your fingers busy after retirement?


This is a whole new world for me..to have to worry about where the money is coming from and to be absolutely terrified that I won't have good health care.


Keep in Touch,


SallhJo


 


 


 


 

 I don't know if you have a Sams Club or a WalMart around your area but they always hire older people for demo's!!  I saw three just last weekend in the wally world here..  One lady was talking about Strive gum..it was good!! and she was sitting down...heck I couldn't stand for long myself...


Sometimes even in Walgreens they have someone doing demo's and yes they do pay..


This might make you feel better just seeing other people--interacting with other people.


There is probably an Older Amercian's Council in your area...call around to churches..see if they need help serving meals on charity days when they feed the poor..getting out away from your house would be a great help!!


Keep looking up to the stars!!  I can't honestly retire for some time.  I have worked for the Department of Defense for 22 years(actually 25 but I quit and came back)--it does have its ups and downs but its a good paying job. 

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re: Loneliness

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I think that is wonderful!!  busy fingers are busy minds..you know how that saying goes.


I still work full-time at my job but one day soon..I will have plenty of time to do whatever I want.. 

  I've never held a full-time position in my life.  I wish I had because now, at age 63, he expects me to find a good-paying job with benefits.  That's just not going to happen.  I know that having a full-time job would help with my loneliness, but employers are looking for younger women.


Do you think that having a full-time job helps with the loneliness issue? How long before you retire?  And, what is your profession? Do you have benefits with your job and if so, will they continue after retirement?  And, just what are your plans to keep your fingers busy after retirement?


This is a whole new world for me..to have to worry about where the money is coming from and to be absolutely terrified that I won't have good health care.


Keep in Touch,


SallhJo


 


 


 


 

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