I was asked on another website in the chat room the other day: “Who is wrong and who is right”?
I simply responded, “REALLY!, Does it matter who is right and who is wrong”, the chat room instantly stopped, not so much as even an emoji, no smiley, no sad ones, I mean nothing appeared, but all of participants were still there………………………………..
So I was sitting here waiting and I thought I would just blow out some random thoughts, no matter how stupid they might be.
I read and see many couples still arguing even after they are divorced. I also see many divorced couples that don't say not even a single word to each other, to everyone else they know, but not to each other. So once again, we can see that a divorce can go from one end of the rainbow all the way to other end of the rainbow. We can only say for certain that we got married, then some of us got divorced, those two factors are the only absolute similarities that cannot be debated. We had a starting point and we had an ending point in our marriages, it's the simplified big picture answer for us divorced couples.
………………………….so I sat waiting for someone, anybody to respond. They were all there, I could see them. It was like everybody just went into neutral or slammed on the brakes all of a sudden…………………………………………………….
I sometimes wonder if any of us have any individual thinking abilities left inside of us. I think of the historical and present day society's and where we are today as a whole “human” species. Have we really ever changed at all in the past 100 years? or in 200 years? We still war and kill (regardless of who started it and why), and we still have color/religious/sexuality/governments/etc. lines that to this day still separate many of us.
Don't get me wrong, we humans have in fact accomplished some great things, but to me its about where we should be at in this stage of human evolution. We have advanced now more then ever as compared to our past generations. We have t he capability to take minerals from the ground, refine and process those minerals into a space ship which in turn can take humans to the planet mars. Just unbelievable what we humans can accomplish!……………………Flip side of the coin, last week a 7 year girl was found dead from starvation on street in a town we never heard of in the great country of America, in my country. So I ask myself, have we really advanced at all?
………………………………..still waiting, they are all still there…………………so I entered “HELLO, anyone home?.....................
I sat back in my chair and it occurred to me basically we (the human race) have in fact have never changed. WHY? I wondered why haven't we changed as a whole and whats in the way of us changing? I can still hear the echoes of my Grandmother who use to say:
“The more something changes, the more it stays the same”
So I thought about my Grandmother and the above saying for a spell. Then it hit me, we, all of us see things in “WRONG or RIGHT” (one could also refer to it as “I see it to be Black or White, sound familiar to you?). I had already answered my own question earlier in my response during my chat room conversation and didn't even see it. All of us use the wrong or right thought process everyday, every moment, and in all we do. We use the wrong or right decision making process stance to fight for position. We use the stance to win or lose at most times in decisions we have to make or we are faced with. So why should relationships and marriages be any different? One side says you are “WRONG, the other side responds with “NO, I am RIGHT and you are WRONG”, and we then know what the likely outcome is, someone loses and someone wins. Unfortunately, regardless who was correct or right concerning an issue within the marriage, the marriage itself then becomes tainted with RIGHTS and WRONGS.
…..and I am still waiting in the chat room…..so I typed……“Okay, it's been real folks, I think I will be leaving now!……..
My theory is not new; human thinking and decision making has been studied for many years and documented by well educated men and women. I think what has gone flying over all of heads at 2000 miles per hour is…………..”WHY do we always want to be RIGHT?” and why is being “RIGHT” so important to us, even if we are wrong?
So I started thinking about it. When we are in a debate or faced with an issue, no matter who we are discussing the issue with, I wonder if we become so blinded with being “RIGHT” we forget to focus on what the real issue or concern was initially brought up. I hear you, it's just normal human ego or pride, I do agree we all have the labels of ego and pride with us, but something fueled that ego or pride. Is it really normal to throw our chest out there front and center and be “RIGHT” before we have even heard the stance from the other side?
I suppose each person has to decide if a solution to an issue is more important as opposed to be being “RIGHT” regardless of the situation or issue faced with.
………….then it happened, “I really don’t care who is right or wrong!”………………………"Ijust want us to be okay”…………
……………………….another response popped up, “Me too”…………………..then another response……………."David, u there?”……………..( I am assuming it was David’s partner)……………"Yes, I never left”…………and then I was asked by one of them………….."What do you think ?”…………….I responded back………."I ask you all again, Does it matter who is right or wrong?"........................the responses started bouncing in ………….."NO”………….I replied back…..................................………."Good, you all are at least hearing each other now. You all have a good night" ………end of chat.
So there I sat alone starring at my homepage wishing I was one of those people that was looking at my partners reply and her words of,
“I really don’t care who is right or wrong!”…………”I just want us to be okay”…………..
I then smiled to myself thinking that just maybe that couple out there I chatted with will not suffer the same fate as I have. Maybe, just perhaps they will make it, or at the very minimum return to their marriage and give it another try.
Hind sight is 20/20 they say, my ego, my pride, no matter what it's titled or what name some people will call it, I just wanted to be so “RIGHT” and “WIN” all the time with my former spouse back before our marriage ended.
I just had to be the big man, I just had to be “RIGHT” most of the time in discussions with my former spouse through our years together. Come to find out I was mostly “WRONG” back then to only arrive here today to know I now am “RIGHT”.
If you are still honored to be a Husband, run fast and go look in the mirror, you might still have a chance to save you, save her, save your love together, and save your marriage………………………. You don't want to be where I am at right now,………looking at your monitor that only reflects back to you the “ghost” of a once was husband.
1994 married first wife. We have a wonderful daughter. My now exwife was extremely selfish, angry, clueless, financially irresponsible. After 10 years I filed for divorce and a few years later obtained custody of our daughter.
2007 married second wife. She has two children from prior marriage. My credit suffered due to my first marriage and divorce. The second wife had good credit but very low income. She has wealthy parents who gave her a big down payment to purchase a house. My name was never on the house as my credit was bad. My income was close to six figures so I paid the mortgage, and most of the bills. In 2008 I lost my job due to the great recession. I looked for work, collected unemployment and worked low wage jobs. My second wife became angry, depressed, and belittled me. I finally landed a good job in 2010 and went back to finish my bachelor degree. My second wife remained angry towards me because I was working long hours, most weekends I spent working around the house as she never wanted to do
anything. Once I was with the new company for 16 months I planned a nice family vacation to Mexico. The vacation was anything but enjoyable. We fought, she had arguments with my daughter, so she took her kids and did their own thing. One month after vacation 8/12, I was working on the porch when the police showed up. They received a call from my second wife about a domestic issue. She told the police to have me removed from the house. I explained to the police a brief history and was told since my name was not on the house I had to leave. She turned my life upside down fast. I became depressed had little money to file for divorce. In 2013 half way through completing my degree I was laid off. I was in my mid 40s, no degree, old experience finding a job was almost impossible. From 2013-2018 I worked several contracting jobs finished my education in 2015. Once my unemployment ran out I was not able to afford an apartment. My daughter began college and 2015-2016 I was homeless. The system failed me and I had no support. I applied for hundreds of jobs. My second wife found out I was homeless and took advantage of the situation. She hired a lawyer, filed for divorce. Having no address I was never served to appear in court for divorce. Even though my second wife had my cell phone number she never called or texted me. The court granted her lawyer to serve me via email. I had to change email address it was hacked so I never received the court order. On 1/2016 the judge granted the divorce and awarded her 15,000 for unfinished work on the house. I did not have any clue that all this occured until later 2017 when I found an apartment and received information from court. Knowing the situation I was in her lawyer used false threats that if I did not sign a payment arrangement for the 15,000.00 I would go to jail. Having no money, suffering from anxiety out of fear I signed the paper. I did meet with a lawyer the next day who told me if I had not signed the agreement there is nothing she could do.
I am paying her what I can but she now has me in contempt as I am not paying what is stated of 1000.00 monthly.
My now second ex sold the house for a profit of 80,000. I am employed full time but took a 25,000.00 pay decrease from what I made prior to obtaining my degree.
My first wife is happily married and will not help her daughter at all.
I never hurt any of my wives and remained faithful. I am eagerly looking for a lawyer to sue my second ex for pain and suffering for half of what she sold the house if not more.
These two women feel they are not held liable for anything. The first ex had to pay half our daughter’s college and has not given one dime. The second lives off the system and her parents while she sues people after ruining their lives.
I am done with marriage. I am not perfect but would never take advantage of anyone. I need to hold both my ex wives accountable for their actions.