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Gold Conversationalist

RE: Are you happy living alone?

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Message 41 of 59

 Hello Friends:

 

I am rather reluctant to examine a statement, then, impose a personal judgment based on my own opinions and experience, presuming it should be considered an answer to the original statement provided by the concerned individual.  Phew!  Yes, even I had to read that again, and no, I am not a lawyer.

 

The number one mistake I am told, is to “assume” something about another without directly talking about it.  So, with that concept in mind, how about this; tell your spouse that you need to set aside some time with him for an important discussion.  That alone will get bells ringing in his head.  Do not, absolutely, do not talk about the topic at that moment, regardless.  Just agree to a day and time for now for your important talk.

 

That done, you have set in motion, a specific time period that will allow you now to collect your thoughts and to prepare for your “presentation.”  We do this in business, it will work as well at home.

 

Forget and set aside your emotional feelings right now.  Emotions have no business in a talk that can be emotional.  We get angry, we cry, we virtually lose control of the meeting when we get emotional.  This meeting is going to be about ……. “The relationship.”

 

On the day of the meeting, set up the kitchen/dining room table with a nice grouping of cheese, crackers, wine, or no alcohol, water etc,.  Napkins are a nice touch.  A vase of flowers as well.  No dead roses or black roses please!

 

The scene is set.  You have every right to expect your husband to appear on time.  It is a meeting.  Coming late to the meeting is a sign of disrespect and often controlling behavior on the part of the late attendee.  If your husband is more than 15 minutes late, and it is obvious to you it was deliberate, cancel the meeting.  Change of venue.  You have to go out.  Reschedule the meeting.  Do not tip your hand in kindness a to the content of the proposed meeting.

 

Let’s presume, that he was on time, even a bit early.  Great.  He is curious and or interested in what you have to say.  No TV!  Dress like you would do, if you were going to a meeting.  Professional!  Every house husband and house wife knows how to transform themselves for an important engagement.

 

In the meeting, tell your husband that you want to discuss your current day-to-day living arrangement.  His eyes will roll back in his head!  Do not point your finger.  Do not say, “you do this and you do that.”  Do not play the blame game!  It will always take two to Tango!

 

If your husband has always been the one that takes care of the finances, then my observation is, he is feeling crunched by the economy, regardless of how much money you may have available to you.  He may be looking down the road 25 more years and cannot figure out how he is going to make the money last that long. (???).

As well, if he has been responsible for the money earned outside the home, he could as well, be feeling very depressed over the Country’s state of the economy.  It is not easy these days for people over 50 to find anything but part-time work.  Business has gone “lean” by getting rid of higher paid workers and that is anyone over 45 years of age.

 

Express to your husband your concerns over how things have been going around the home.  What is it that he would like to see change?  That’s right, what would he like to see change?  Give him the lead to tell you his observations.  

 

If he cannot or will not talk to you, you may need to be a bit more aggressive and tell him about what you would like to see change.  That you are willing to meet him halfway.

 

I was married for almost 42 years recently.  My spouse was 1st born of 7 children and resided in the Southern Ohio area.  She like other siblings, raised on a farm, found it impossible to talk about themselves, how they were feeling, or to contribute in any manner, to their marriages that all went sour more than once.  My ex-spouse had an Aunt on her father’s side that was married and divorced 7 times.  My ex-sister-in-law was married and divorced 5 times.  2 of the 5 boys have been married and divorced 4 times each.  DNA can be downright difficult when combined with a poor childhood experience and often leads to major problems in adulthood.

 

Consider your background and that of your spouse.  Are there issues from the family trees’, from growing up, etc.  There may be some insight here when you look at the bigger picture.

 

In closing, professional help on a local level can be a good thing.  But, the professional must be neutral.  The fewer polarities the better.  Choosing your church pastor, assuming he has a different pastor does not go at all, will be considered an attempt by you to control the situation.  There is no reason for anyone to suffer through a marriage.  I just learned, it is a piece of paper.  My spouse and I could reconcile next week, get a new marriage license and be married again in a jiffy!  No, that is not going to happen, but regardless, it boils down to this, absolutely nothing in this universe is forever.  Make the best of it and you can then know you did your best!  Opinions are like “belly buttons,” we all have one!

 

 

Hugs

 

Daniel

 

 

 

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Conversationalist

RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,093 Views
Message 42 of 59

In Response to RE: Are you happy living alone? by kaytoy

I'd like to offer a supportive argument for moving on when a long term marriage causes ongoing misery. From reading your post, it appears that you are doing all the giving, and not receiving in return. I left a 35 year marriage 5 years ago and love my life. Of course the divorce process itself, and adapting to a new way of living takes time. But living with a person whose negativity and miserliness is ongoing is like staying tuned into a radio station that delivers only bad news. My ex was much like your husband, except he was a workaholic who had no time for others. I owned a successful company with him (and 4 other partners). There was plenty of money for travel, and for gifting friends. If I spent money based on my own decisions, he complained. If I wanted to take a trip that didn't interest him, he refused to accompany me, so I traveled with friends instead. Two  years after the divorce, I met a retired attorney who taught me the true meaning of "miserly". Although he has positive qualities, as everyone does, the negative influence of his critical thinking, limited willingness to go out and have fun (because of the cost), showed me that once again, I had attracted a partner who was similar to my ex. So I terminated the romantic aspect of that relationship and have been able to retain a good friendship with this man. I am encouraging him to move on, to find someone else who is more compatible with his lifestyle.

Thinking (feeling) that because you've invested so much time, love and energy into a long-term marriage you must "stick it out" for the rest of your life is questionable. If you live another 30 years, why not find out how good it can feel to create positivity in each day, without becoming deflated by someone else's constant negative feedback. It's important to have at least one or two supportive friends to help you through the transition, because at first it does feel strange to be utterly independent. Of course it's not wise to jump into another romantic relationship until you have healed from the grief that comes with ending a long-term marriage. Learn to enjoy your own company and find the routine of life that makes you happy.

I believe that "nothing is ever wasted" in terms of time spent in relationships. We learn and grow from all that we experience. I am determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past, and know more clearly what I truly need, should I enter another relationship. A partner who cares about sustaining a positive attitude and a joyful, generous spirit.

The worst kind of lonilness comes from feeling alone with a spouse or partner who makes you feel miserable, or staying in a relationship that does not feel authentic.

Wishing you the best possible outcome!

 

 

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Gold Conversationalist

RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,117 Views
Message 43 of 59

In Response to RE: Are you happy living alone? by kaytoy

It sounds to me like your hubby could use some counseling...and maybe you, too.

Don't throw away 34 years of marriage until you investigate all options.  Divorce is UGLY.

 

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RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,117 Views
Message 44 of 59

Someone please help me. I have been married for 34 years.  I have been unhappy for many of the last years. We have had a long life together, but I guess I have changed. I want a husband who will do things like volunteer in the church, go to concerts or movies, get out and enjoy life. He has always been very conservative (at times very cheap). I have always worked outside the home and made my own money. The older he gets the worse he gets. He is selfish (like if I want to buy a gift for a girlfriend's birthday, he says "well, did she buy you something?), he is so tight with his money, we NEVER go out to eat, he won't turn on the air conditioning in the house because it burns too much electricity (unless it gets above 90 inside), we NEVER use our dryer because it burns too much electricity (we hang out our clothes on a line), and I NEVER get any kind of nice gift because it will cost him money. I am so tired of living like this. It has gotton worse this past year. He was fired from his job because of a work related injury, and he has now chosen to only work a part time job and draw a firemen's pension. Because he is not making as much money as he was, this has lowered our standard of living, but he's happy just making what he's making.  And that's fine with me, except now it keeps us from being able to go anywhere and do anything.  He now says he doesn't have the money to do things and he's happy staying home. He loves his money so much that I bought a new car last August (with my savings and I was making the payments). He went ballistic and demanded that we split all our money, savings, checking, etc. and "you have your money" and "I have my money".  I HATE living this way. We have always pooled our money and bought most anything we needed or wanted. I am 54 and I want to do things...enjoy life. I'm not saying go on cruises and expensive trips...just go to the mall or something. But I am so afraid of getting out of my marriage and being all alone. I am so afraid of leaving and then getting really sick and having no one. Do I stay unhappy the rest of my life?

 
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RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,117 Views
Message 45 of 59

WOW - I've not been reading this for a year or so....I have to say that it is interesting to read all the answers...and so glad for most of the responders. On my own now at 65...this is my third year...still working...still finding out about me. Once the pain subsides (and it does)...once the true happy begins (as opposed to the "Oh, no, really, I'm fine" speach)....it's all a matter of "So far....so good". I'm loving my life....I had jelly beans for dinner one night last week...best jelly beans I've ever tasted....lonely?  A little bit, only once in a while....and only when I want to share quickly something I've seen, or learned...with someone who would find it facinating...so far...so good! 

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Info Seeker

RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,117 Views
Message 46 of 59

You get use to living by yourself, but it does get lonely at times. The nights sometimes are the worst.  I tried to keep busy with my great gandchildren, I have seven of them. I go to the seniors, have lunch, play bingo go out with my sister. My ex and I were together twenty three years and sometimes it isn't easy, but being alone  will take some time to get use to.

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RE: Are you happy living alone?

5,117 Views
Message 47 of 59

In Response to RE: Are you happy living alone? by alto2mezzo

I'm with you.  I'm 70 and have been living alone for 14 years now.  Sure, I get lonely sometimes, but it's only temporary.  I just find something to do with friends or my adult children.  I was married three times and finally figured out I was just not cut out to be married.  I'm a slow learner, I guess.  I have had many great adventures and traveled to many great places.  I'm living in Paris for a while now.  I could have never done most of these things if I had been married.

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RE: Are you happy living alone?

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Message 48 of 59

OMG....yes, yes, yes!  I prefer to say living single rather than living alone because loneliness is a choice.  I'm 54 and have been on my own for the last 7 years.  I occasionally date but feel no pressure to get into another relationship.  Of course, if someone were to knock my socks off, I wouldn't mind, but flying solo is a liberating experience.  I spend my time and money as I choose and on whom I choose.  I have a decent job, family and friends and count my blessings every day.  I've come to this place after much soul searching, inner work, meditation and tears but I am HERE now, satisfied and grateful for my life.  Happy Holidays to all.


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RE: Are you happy living alone?

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Message 49 of 59

 It's been a year and a half since my ex walked out.  I got the house, so I found it comforting that I did not have to give up the home I had known for 27 years.  However, as time went by I realized that everywhere I turned there were reminders of him.  So now I'm in the process of repainting and refurnishing it!  That's taking a lot of time, but as each room transforms I'm finding more about myself...with a smile.  Money is very tight  so I get a lot of things from freecycle and Craig's list, and I give away or sell the old stuff.  I've thought about a roommate, but for now I want my space to play with and enjoy.  I do get lonely, but my sons and a close friend are tutoring me through the projects and that helps.  

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RE: Are you happy living alone?

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Message 50 of 59

In Response to Are you happy living alone? by sallyjoq

I've been alone for almost 3 years.  Long enough to know it can be very lonely but am doing what I can to make that different.  I also was very alone in my marriage and have to keep reminding myself of the facts about that!!  I may look for a room mate at some point in time as much for company as to ease finances but for the moment am alright.  I had to go back to work after my divorce which has been good for me.  Work and my dog make me have to participate in life.  I found a place to volunteer so I can just be around people and I enjoy it.  Time moves on, God has cared for me perfectly and I have no reason to believe that will change.  For the first time in my life I'm taking the challenge to discover who I am and what I like!!  I've been a daughter, wife, mother, grand mother and incredibly my identity has remained within those titles so am trying to use this time to learn about myself.  Do I prefer to live alone?  No, but it's the place I am.  I'm not dealing with the abuse in my marriage anymore and lead a very quiet and for the most part content life.  

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