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Conversationalist

Re: 50 difficult years

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Message 1 of 6
Have you thought about renting a room from another senior? I am doing that—it would have been the only way I could have moved out since rents here are insane! There is a site called Silvernest—you should check it out! Nobody should be forced to stay in a bad marriage!!
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Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: 50 difficult years

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elainem819042 wrote:

I am a young 70years old and have been married for 50.  I am now at a crossroads and am struggling to make the decision on whether or not to finally divorce and find some peace and to find myself.  My family is everything to me and I know , even though my children will understand,  how difficult it will be for them and especially for my adult grandchildren who all have their own challenges in their lives.  All my life I have tried to keep family life on a happy even keel , smiled and hid from them how desperately difficult life is behind closed doors,   I found out 17 years ago that he had been seeing someone he worked with. Now retired , home all the time , i walked in unexpectedly and found him speaking to her on the phone and arranging to meet her, even after the promises not to have contact.   My main problem is the financial implications of divorcing.  We wont be able to buy seperate places and on top of everything I would be desperately upset to leave my family home, pensions are not enough either.   So what to do,  for my sanity do I divorce ? Or do we carry on living in the same house  and I just have to deal with the next unhappy 10-15 years or how ever long I live for.    I know what I want to do but realistically and practically it would be impossible.   I would welcome anyones thoughts, but if no one replies just writing this has given me some strength and clarity.  thank you for listening.  


You asked for thoughts so I here goes..  

I would sit down or get on the phone with my kids and explain what is going on.  You say that you have tried to keep family life happy but you know most of the time, kids can feel how things are.  Your family will want the best  for you and even if they cannot help (they might have some suggestions you have not even thought of) they will provide you support that you have been missing for a long time.  You don't have to do this alone.

 

ps   if you told your husband to go.. fly .. be free , after a few months he might have a very different idea of what he really truly does want.

 

 

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Valued Social Butterfly

Re: 50 difficult years

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Message 3 of 6

I just turned 70 and have been married for almost 50 years, but it hasn't always been happy. However, I would try my best to get out of the house by joining a senior group, taking classes or even working part-time. I still work part-time as my husband retired 10 years ago. It's just that we have very different interests, ambitions and he can be very controlling. My daughter lives 800 miles away and has 2 young children, so I can't depend on her to help me as I age. I would think twice about leaving as you're at least financially secure and have a home. Who knows, but he could marry one of his girlfriends which would make him happy, but leave you struggling to make ends meet. It would be a different story if he were physically abusive, though verbal abuse can be worse.A divorce could linger on for years and cost a lot of money and aggravation. I know it's hard not to think of yourself as a couple any longer, but I feel that you have far more to lose by leaving than staying. It will be difficult, but I wish you well in your future decisions. 

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Valued Social Butterfly

Re: 50 difficult years

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Message 4 of 6

I'm sorry.   Smiley Sad    That's a horrible thing to have to face.   In your shoes, I'd probably first go see a therapist/marriage counselor.  Without your husband.   Work through some stuff with them, see if it helps bring clarity to whether leaving would be better.  

 

Then I'd see a lawyer about how property and money would be split.

 

And finally, I'd see a financial planner.  

 

I can't say whether it's better to stay or to leave.  Every person's situation is different.   But I would want to gather all the information I could to help me make the best decision possible.   

 

And there is a website called Surviving Infidelity, that might be helpful.  Maybe you can find others there in a similar situation, and get better insight. 

 

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

 

Hang in there.  Nothing has to be done immediately.   Control this the way you want to control it.  

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Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: 50 difficult years

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Message 5 of 6

@elainem819042 Yeow: this is big and it is difficult. I have no answers for you. Maybe these questions can help you work through what you really want to do. 

 

How's your health? Will you be happy to live alone? Can you live with one of the children? Say, in a cabin on their property? 

 

I've been married since about the dawn of time, so I have an appreciation for the difficulty in seeing oneself as separate from the unit. But here is an off-the-cuff idea: play with the notion of you as a stand alone. See if you can come up with various visions of yourself as a free and happy woman. Play with different possibilities. Maybe take a weekend away from home to allow yourself space to do this. This space may help you see how you truly feel about different scenarios without having to face the hurt anew every time you hear him breathing or whatever.

 

Best wishes, truly.

 

 

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Info Seeker

50 difficult years

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Message 6 of 6

I am a young 70years old and have been married for 50.  I am now at a crossroads and am struggling to make the decision on whether or not to finally divorce and find some peace and to find myself.  My family is everything to me and I know , even though my children will understand,  how difficult it will be for them and especially for my adult grandchildren who all have their own challenges in their lives.  All my life I have tried to keep family life on a happy even keel , smiled and hid from them how desperately difficult life is behind closed doors,   I found out 17 years ago that he had been seeing someone he worked with. Now retired , home all the time , i walked in unexpectedly and found him speaking to her on the phone and arranging to meet her, even after the promises not to have contact.   My main problem is the financial implications of divorcing.  We wont be able to buy seperate places and on top of everything I would be desperately upset to leave my family home, pensions are not enough either.   So what to do,  for my sanity do I divorce ? Or do we carry on living in the same house  and I just have to deal with the next unhappy 10-15 years or how ever long I live for.    I know what I want to do but realistically and practically it would be impossible.   I would welcome anyones thoughts, but if no one replies just writing this has given me some strength and clarity.  thank you for listening.  

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