Near retirement, granddad, and distance caretaker

[OlderWiser7s]

I used to cringe at being called ‘grandpa’ but now it’s ok 😀Four grandchildren make a life a delight. My oldest is seven. 

Retirement is getting closer, but work is still a requirement. 

One of the reasons I joined is to get better ideas on how to remotely care for my aging mom. She lives 1000 miles away and wants to stay put. 

We enjoy phone conversations and I fly up less than I’d like to admit.  We looked into buying a home with an ADU up in her area so we could stay (in the ADU) for longer periods of time, but real-estate in the area makes that less doable. 

I wrote a daily call service to check in on mom once in the morning and once at night, and that helps.  But I do worry a bit on the inevitable transition of managing her living space, medical routine, finances/taxes, and the help that does some of that for her. 

Honestly it was hard for me to understand why a parent would not want to live near her kids/grands/ and great grands to enjoy them all. Especially after dad passed. She agrees we all get along incredibly well and enjoy time with each other. So why not?  But once mom explained her reasoning, I realized it’s sound thinking–even though I disagree. 

If you know of good resources for caretaking over a distance, I’d love to pursue those. 

-Michael

[OlderWiser7s]

I can add that my mom's reasons fell along these lines:  She's developed a community in her town for ~20 years now and her primary argument against moving into the house we built for her here is that we (wife and I, our adult kids & grandkids) would be her only community here.  Her primary concern (besides political frustration with California) is that if we have a 'falling out' like so many do, then she'd be stuck without help.  Of course I disagree, but the thinking is reasonable when I put myself in her shoes.    Frustrating.  But I get it.  So, we adjust to help her remotely. 

[GAKKIEZ]

 I can understand your frustration but I'm on the other side of your issue.  I'm the Great Grand and my kids don't live near me.  (I'm in KY and they are in Texas and Washington state.) My kids are both career Army veterans and I'm retired career DOD civilian so living near my kids was never an issue.  

My kids have expressed interest in me moving to be closer to them or to move in with them as they are becoming empty nesters now.  Sorry, I don't want to live under someone else's rules. I like my independence and lifestyle. (I don't visit my kids as much as they would like for the same reasons.)

This is a common issue in my family as I did have my mom finally move in with me when she realized she needed additional care. (Mom was WWII Army Nurse Corps veteran and very independent until her 90s.)

[OlderWiser7s]

Thank you for sharing this.  At first I (we) thought it was an issue of 'convincing' mom, and her not wanting to inconvenience us. While the latter is a factor, once we had a real, open, honest conversation with awkward topics, she managed to articulate her primary concerns.  She has acknowledged that once she is unable to advocate for herself, that a relocation is an option. 

I admire your independence @GAKKIEZ and hope I have the same balance when I face these choices myself. 

[papawofboo]

I don't think it is a right or wrong way to the matter. It's a my way decision. No way am I going to live with someone else. We have sat around and did the "what if" topic's. The one thing we all agree on is that we don't want to train or be trained by anyone at this stage of our life. 

If it becomes just me, then I will do like he did and set up check in calls. 

Stuff like this needs to be worked out before hand. Now it's not a subject for Christmas dinner but sometime in January people should talk it over.