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Re: Living as a Canadian Expat in the the US with 3 small kids and in a 20+ year Challenging Marriag

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@nhall187  Hey, blowing off steam is a good thing. Smiley Happy

 

In my experience you cannot change your spouse. You can change your response, you can change your mood, your approach, your goals and your behavior. And all that might inspire your spouse to change, but you cannot change your spouse.

 

Be well.

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Re: Living as a Canadian Expat in the the US with 3 small kids and in a 20+ year Challenging Marriag

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Dear Epster,

 

Thank you for taking the time to write me back.  I appreciate your candid thoughts.  I have to say a big part of it was blowing off steam.  I do believe you when you say that having the freedom is only a temporary Euphoria.  I also take half the responsability that we have an unhappy marriage because you are right, I have been there every step of the way and also it shouldn't have come to this point after 20 years of marriage. 

 

I have many friends and also have a good support group but they are all in Canada.  I don't really have a support group here. 

 

I am not playing a game but just merely asking for insight.  I don't expect anyone to solve my problems except me and wanted to also see if anyone else has been in a similar situation like me that could share their experience with.    

 

I know I cannot and will not leave my kids for anything. They are a lifeline to me and need me and their father no matter how bad the marriage is.  This is the very first time I've been on any forum sharing personal and private struggles and didn't know what to expect but I guess I should expect criticism.  It would literally take a novel for me to give you all the details but this is all I could fit at the time.  

 

I do take all your comments and perspective to heart.  Thank you.

 

 

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Re: Living as a Canadian Expat in the the US with 3 small kids and in a 20+ year Challenging Marriag

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So Nicole, @nhall187, hello.

 

I'm generally a positive gal. But I have all kinds of resistance (read: I don't buy it) to your message, and I think, maybe, I should tell you why.

 

1.) Blame. Your situation is not solely the fault of your husband. You have been there every step of the way: you too are responsible for the breakdown of communication and the relationship. 

 

2.) Incongruities in your statement (I have no support group, I have many friends). Which is it?

 

3.) Maybe I'm just skeptical in my old age. (It happens. Smiley Happy)

 

Whatever the cause, I am left wondering what game, if any, you seek to play with us here. Why are you telling us this story: what do you want? 

 

On the off chance that I have misread you, let me tell you what I think about the situation you have painted: so leave him already. And the kids too, if that's what you want. Go off and be your bad self. But I tell ya what: the issues within yourself that helped to create your present unhappiness will follow you wherever you go. So while leaving and finding freedom might feel like the answer, at best that euphoria is temporary. The more lasting (thus better) approach is to work on yourself. To become a happier person, a stronger communicator, a more loving spouse and d-i-l.

 

I've been married without children since the dawn of time. (So you know where I'm coming from)

 

Epster

 

PS If all this was, was you needing to let off steam, then good: that's done. Be well. Smiley Happy

 

 

 

 

 

"The key to success is to keep growing in all areas of life - mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical." Julius Erving
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Living as a Canadian Expat in the the US with 3 small kids and in a 20+ year Challenging Marriage

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Greetings AARP members,

 

My name is Nicole and I recently moved to Oahum, Hawaii US in May, 2015.  I am from Canada from the Province of Alberta and the City of Calgary.  I have never lived anywhere else for the last 45 years of my life and am now living in Hawaii but still unhappily married with 3 small kids.  I have been thinking of divorce for awhile but honestly don't know how to do it and don't even think of it as an option in my life.  Part of the reason is because we have a special needs daughter who is almost 9 years old.  She is mobile and fairly independent but still needs our support and care and as well I have a small 4 year old boy who still needs a lot of attention and then my eldest son who is only 10 years of age.  The other reason for not ending our 20+ year relationship is because I am now far away from my support group of family and friends so I do feel rather alone in this and my husband is the main care giver.  He has his side jobs and I have always had my office jobs working the usual 8-5pm schedules.  I commute far from work and spend about 3 hours in traffic a day.  It is not an easy life here having to spend more time away from my kids and making almost half of what I used to make back in Canada.  My husband has his part-time driving job and side business that has really not taken off yet.  It is a struggle surviving in this tourist based placed.  

 

I do have my regrets in this and your probably wondering why would you put your life in harm's way by moving with a partner you are unhappy with.  The only reason I can answer that is because I am foolish and thought that maybe my husband would change for the better in all of this.  Background on hubby.  He was on his own since he was 13 years of age.  His parents were living in Canada but in a nutshell abandoned their 2 kids so they could move to Hawaii and live their dream. His mother is his stepmother.  His parents to this day still have a beautiful marriage but unfortunately it was at the risk of their kids.  Now his parents are cramming for the finals and want to make good on us so they petitioned us back in 2001 which I seriously thought would never happen.  Thirteen years later, we get the call and didn't have much time to think, only do because after all the paper work, medical examinations, history examinations an scrutiny from the US Gov't we finally got approved but only had 6 months to make it happen and here I am.  Through it all, I have been dealing with a lot of abuse and negativity with my husband.  We happened 20+ years ago because I felt sorry for him and was moved by his tragic story.  He led a colorful life on the streets and I was fascinated by this.  He survived it and then started to make a good life for himself with me.  It was rather a success story in the beginning, getting a good job then opening up his own third party collection agency that did well for 20 years.  In the beginning things were great and he started to improve and turn his whole life around but then a decade ago, he started to become very miserable.  A big chunk of it was because he was abandoned by his parents and there was no forgiveness and then another part of it was because my sister in law had defrauded us out of money for a tanning salon that got shut down and again by my sister in law who is a spiteful and jealous woman in trying to break up our marriage.  My husband ended up being angry all the time.  He has a lot of mental health issues that have caused a lot of sadness and depression for my kids and I.  He was okay here for a bit but still the barrage of name calling and just being very negative and making it a hard, sad life for my kids and I.  I cannot take it anymore and I know he needs mental help.  I have tried for many years for him to get out of his negativity but then the abuse always happened again and again it is making it very hard for my kids and I to be happy unless he is out working or somewhere else other than with us.  Everything, no matter how hard we try, always ends up in a fight or being yelled at for insignificant things. I wish I was single.  Funny enough I have many friends here and in Canada who are single Moms incl. my own sister and Mom who are divorced and a widower respectively.  I have changed my entire life for my husband.  He has become kind of a monster and has no religious beliefs anymore and lives his life without scruples at least to us anyway.  I just want to have a quiet and happy life away from too much drama which I never escape because of what I have to deal with everytime I come home from work.  If there is any possible light you can shed on my situation, I would greatly appreciate it.  thank you for allowing me to be a part of this new community.  With warmest thoughts and Aloha, Nicole  

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