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So I survived the first year - what's next?

I wanted to share some thoughts and new experiences after surviving the first year after my husband died.  Many of my moments have been shared in past posts to this site, which has been God sent to me.  Before I found the site, I could not find anyone who really listened or for that matter cared how I was doing.  So, to recap a painful year of learning and "accepting" to some degree, I feel I have a better handle in coping with my loss.  At the same time, I am not "over" the loss, to the disappointment of the unenlightened around me.  I doubt I will ever by over it, but I hope that I will become more comfortable and at peace while living with the loss.  I am not sure what to expect.  The holidays are still sad, the remembrances are painful, the loneliness continues as I seek out a new solo life for me.  Finding purpose and a new identity are tough.  I'd be interested in anyone else's experiences.  Thanks for any feedback and suggestions you might have.  Sue

Honored Social Butterfly

You have made it over a big hurdle! The first year

is the hardest for sure. For me, entering year 5,

it has gotten easier, but never easy, if that makes

sense. I still have a hard time with holidays, his

birthday and death anniversary. I don’t see that

ever changing for me. I am always amazed at

the “unenlightened” who seem to think there is

some kind of switch you pull and then you’re 

done grieving! Only those of us going thru this

understand apparently. Best wishes as you

continue on this journey none of us asked for


Thank you, BeatleloverKT.  Your four-year journey as you enter year 5 is an eye opener and in its own way, provides a reality check for me as well.  Just to add to your wisdom on the unenlightened, I recently saw how one of my acquaintances scoffed at my initial loss and pain.  Words like "that's the way of life.  Did you really expect your husband to live forever.  He was older and that was expected. Get over it."  Ironically his elderly Mom was in a nursing home in her 90s and declining rapidly.  I tried to give him some words of reassurance, like your Mom will appreciate you being there at the end for her even if she doesn't say the words.  That's what I found with my husband, and it took a stranger to point that out to me.  Well, as the story goes on, the death of Mom hit him hard and I did not hear from him in months.  Since I hired him to help me with some administrative issues, I was surprised how he just dropped out of sight, with no contact at all.  Then 8 months later he dropped back in and started telling me how hard it was, and he had to spend the last 8 months arranging her affairs, selling her house, etc.  I listened patiently but decided to move on.  While I agree that the unenlightened eventually learn to some degree, there is also the potential "me" attitude developing.  Some people get better working through the loss, others get bitter and resentful.  I guess life is interesting and everyone can decide what kind of person they want to be. All I can say is WOW.  What a lesson learned by me not him.  I actually feel sorry for him.   That is life. Have a good weekend. Sue

Silver Conversationalist

It seems a day at a time becomes a week,month,then a year at a time. The unenlightened haven't had to deal with what you are dealing with. I can only hope when their time comes and they experience loss of this magnitude they will begin to understand what you are going thru. I hope you understand how much help YOU are being by sharing here. My best to you.

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(1 comment) Thank you Sue @SueS788527 for sharing with us. WE LUV YOU, Nicole 🤎🤗

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Thank you, Nicole, Lee and others reading this post.  It is good to know I have so much support from you.  It means a lot.  Usually, I try to keep busy, journal, etc.  Doesn't always work.  I will keep on "truckin" as they say and probably like many of you living with the loss of a loved one.  That's why this site is so important.  Thanks again and have a good weekend.

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