Please don't tell me to "have a great day"

[k463017m]

My husband of 40 years died April 6, 2026. My grief is very raw, and tears always close to the surface.

I'm dealing with insurance companies, Social Security officials, a mortgage company, etc. They know I called them about a death. They no doubt can hear my voice shaking when I give them the details of the loss of my beloved.

So why, at the close of the conversation, do they cheerfully chirp: "Have a Great Day!"

Do they not hear themselves? It's like the old joke, "Other than that, how did you enjoy the theater Mrs. Lincoln?"

I know they mean well. They are just used to saying that automatically at the end of every interaction with a customer. But it feels disrespectful to my grief. 

I know I'm probably being too sensitive. But that is who I am right now, a grieving widow. And my husband was a wonderful man who deserves to be mourned. I miss him every moment of every day.

So I will not have a great day, or a good day ... I'm lucky to even know what day it is. 

[aidenwalker]

Your absolutely not being over sensitive, when you're that new, all those automatic phrases can just be really hurtful. My dear, your husband meant everything to you, and I know of course that conversation is still unreal and painful.

[BenL396660]

You are not being “too sensitive” at all. When your whole world has been shattered, hearing a cheerful scripted line like “Have a great day” can feel painfully disconnected from the reality you’re living in.

Most of those people probably don’t mean any harm, but grief makes those automatic phrases land differently. After losing someone you loved for 40 years, there is no “great day” waiting on the other end of a phone call with an insurance company.

What stood out to me most in your post is the love you still carry for your husband. Forty years together is a lifetime of shared routines, memories, comfort, and partnership. Of course you miss him every moment. Of course the tears are close.

The fact that you are still standing while handling all of these exhausting practical matters says a lot about your strength, even if you don’t feel strong right now.

And honestly, I think many widows and widowers would read your words and quietly say, “Yes. Exactly that.” Sometimes people don’t need silver linings or cheerful endings. Sometimes they just need their grief acknowledged with kindness and humanity. Your husband mattered, your loss matters, and the way you are mourning him is deeply understandable.

[Diamon335]

Hi Jane,  my husband passed March 29, 2026 and I agree, when taking care of our finances, I have to bite my tongue when someone says have a nice day and how are you doing.

I’m not having a nice day, I’m hanging on by finger nails.  
How am I doing?  I miss my other half.  We were together 43 years and married 25.  
How am I doing?  Feeling overwhelmed, lonely and feeling like I’m in a bad dream.

[JaneCares]

I am so sorry. Most of us are on 'automatic pilot' so much of the day. And when you are so raw, the inconsiderate oblivious auto-response is infuriating. 

You will be more considerate to others in the future. The silver lining I suppose. Even though all seems like garbage. Silver? what Silver?

we are with you in spirit.

Jane

[SereneSeagull]

That’s a great term to use for that, “auto pilot”  @JaneCares   Never had a word that could express that, but that fits perfectly.  Too many times people are on autopilot, they don’t realize how trivial words sound.

[SummerOnTheWay1]

📎  @Medaase , I didnot see anything wrong when people said "I’m sending thoughts and prayers" to me.

But every griever has a right to how they feel.

Luv,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

➡️[*** @Medaase wrote: I hear your pain and frustration and see there are gaps in the services AARP provides or at least could provide seeing as we are all senior citizens.. I hope in the near future they create a committee or group of advocates that can assist “us” with the drudgery we encounter after the loss of a loved one; I think this would be particularly useful for individuals who family members may not be as involved with assisting in this area or even those who don’t have adult children or close relatives or trusted and reliable community resources to assist. Personally I find comments like I’m sending thoughts and prayers, have a great day, etc. to be woefully, lacking.

[Medaase]

Thank you Nicole, I really appreciate you sharing that.
I think most of us can agree that the impulse behind “thoughts and prayers” comes from a genuinely caring place — no one offers it wanting to be unhelpful. That said, research does suggest its impact depends a lot on the person receiving it. A 2018 study conducted in the aftermath of a hurricane found that for people of faith, especially within a supportive community, it can be a real source of comfort. For others, particularly in moments of urgent need, what feels most meaningful is seeing that care translated into concrete action.
Personally, I don’t really think either  response is wrong — it really comes down to knowing and honoring what the person in front of you actually needs.

[SereneSeagull]

A family whose kindergartner got gunned down in class doesn’t want to hear it..

While I agree, it can depend on the person you are directing this to, and how well you know them.  If one doesn’t know, personally, I don’t think they should use that.  Being with them, holding them and you not speaking can be more meaningful.  Taking care of groceries, childcare, pet care, making calls to coordinate things for them.  If it’s an online acknowledgement with someone you don’t know, don’t say it.  IMO.

[Medaase]

I hear your pain and frustration and see there are gaps in the services AARP provides or at least could provide seeing as we are all senior citizens.. I hope in the near future they create a committee or group of advocates that can assist “us” with the drudgery we encounter after the loss of a loved one; I think this would be particularly useful for individuals who family members may not be as involved with assisting in this area or even those who don’t have adult children or close relatives or trusted and reliable community resources to assist. Personally I find comments like I’m sending thoughts and prayers, have a great day, etc. to be woefully, lacking

[SereneSeagull]

@Medaase I agree, thoughts and prayers can be such a cliche, and is not helpful at all.  Just say nothing if you’re going to say that.

[CherylL471912]

So sorry about your loss.  There is so much you have to go through like someone's said Exhausting!!!  And draining.   But in reality, they shouldn't be following a script.  Saying having a great day is like then not listening

[SereneSeagull]

I’ve encountered the same, @k463017m , in dealing with loved one’s affairs..  It’s exhausting! 
I’m sorry for your recent loss of your husband.  It’s so hard, the loss and the unnerving calls that have to be made, and paperwork.  You’re so right, it’s a simple kindness not to say things like that in helping those who have already told you they’ve lost a loved one.  So fast to come out of the mouth.  The rawness of the pain, hearing that cuts even deeper.  I get it.  

[SummerOnTheWay1]

[Tuesday 5/19/26]

Dear Diamon @Diamon335 , I am thinking about YOU.

How are you doing TODAY?

Luv,

Nicole  ‌🤗‌‌🤗‌‌🤗‌  (Grief Forum)

[SummerOnTheWay1]

[Tuesday 5/19/26]

Dear @k463017m , I am thinking about YOU.

How are you doing TODAY?

Luv,

Nicole  ‌‌🤗‌‌‌‌🤗‌‌‌‌🤗‌‌  (Grief Forum)

[Diamon335]

Good Morning Nicole, another quiet and lonely day.  I find myself staying busy by purging the things I don’t want or feel I won’t t need anymore.  But missing our good morning kiss. 

[SummerOnTheWay1]

SO GOOD to hear from you dear Diamon @Diamon335 !!!

Yes, it is SO HARD with losing our other half.

Sounds like you are finding ways to "deal" with your loss.

I still have my moments of missing him SO MUCH (all day/night tears) & other days/nights of acceptance with LESS tears.

One day my friend, we will see them AGAIN.

Luv,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗  (Grief Forum)

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➡️[*** DIAMON @Diamon335 wrote:

Good Morning Nicole, another quiet and lonely day.  I find myself staying busy by purging the things I don’t want or feel I won’t t need anymore.  But missing our good morning kiss. 

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