Motivation

[mc6844]

I have been reading about people doing new things. Like maybe updating a house or surroundings. Where do you get the motivation? I got a lot done at the beginning of the loss. Except I don't have that energy now. Thank you.

[mc6844]

I want to add a thank you to the people on this forum for your kudos and good thoughts. House maintenance etc. has been taking my time and energy. But I got through it (sigh) and hope that's done. I think of you all often. You're in my prayers. Take care all.

[jonibee]

I'm with you at this time in my life..I got a lot done too after the passing of my husband. Then there was going through things as my adult daughter came to live with me in May. For some reason I have not been able to get into the mode of general house cleaning..I do the necessary things but the things that one does has taken a back seat..I still prepare the evening meal, wash my clothes  but the things like washing the floors and vacuuming weekly are put on hold. I have been knitting and reading and being on the computer but I just don't have the needed energy to go about daily business. Some days I do have the get up and go and I try to accomplish something that has been pushed aside. I thing past events and getting the necessary things done to keep life running smoothly business wise took up a lot of my time and energy so now my body says take a rest. I try to get outside to tend plants and flowers and get back to what is the norm for me. I'm more or less a home body so I don't go out too much only to go food shopping or browsing at the local box stores. I try to do something everyday be it small or something that I can manage like organizing and donating to the local charities. I have had some projects done and am awaiting windows to be installed which means moving stuff again which causes chaos as to where to put everything..Then dealing with putting it back or just getting rid of it..Running the house with the things to get paid each month is time consuming too. So all one can do is take one step at a time and set aside time for business/work/play..I hope perhaps this may give you insight and how to perhaps start somewhere .....

[jonibee]

i might also add that coming to this site has been very helpful as it gives me insight as to how others are handling their grief ..Some days are better than others..I have books on grief that I go to from time to time to help me through days that are downers..

[mc6844]

Thank you Joni for taking the time to share. I agree that this site is so helpful. For me, because the focus is on grieving yet moving forward in whatever ways we can. I think, a little at a time emotionally. Sharing helps to move people forward too I believe. Take care.

[SueS788527]

Hi, Social Butterfly, I agree reading and interacting with others on this site is very helpful and reaffirming as well.  You were brave in admitting that you have not kept up with all the housekeeping chores.  Well, you are definitely not alone.  I have been grappling with house issues since my husband died in 2021.  It was tough going into certain rooms, particularly where we set up home hospice.  Even after the medical durable equipment was finally removed, I still had issues with the room and how to handle the ancillary medical gear.  I'm finally dealing with that.  I am looking at cleaning tips online to make some of the more tedious chores easier.  I just bought a Swiffer broom and what a breeze it was to properly clean underneath the bed.  We are not Wonder Women so I have decided to tackle those chores and major house projects in smaller steps.  The challenge is deciding whether to invite people over to socialize.  I originally got burnt by neighbors making rude comments about the state of the house.  Can you imagine?  It took me awhile (several months) to decide to invite certain trusted friends over and warn them ahead of time that the house is a work in progress.  If they can accept that then we should be able to get together.  It is interesting though how others who did not suffer a recent loved one's loss are also reluctant to invite others over to their place.  Maybe that is the result of the isolation caused by social media.  Who knows.  The main point is that you are doing the best you can.  We are not The Martha.  I respect her and all her accomplishments, but I was never the home crafty type, so it takes many different types of people in this world.  The main thing is to start treating yourself well and engage in activities that bring contentment to you.  I wish you all the best.  Your friend, Sue

[BillH490171]

Hi, for me the first few weeks were somewhat of a blur with taking of the business of losing someone.  Now in the 5th week, I find that if I make a list of things I want to do in the morning, it helps get me motivated.  I also was finishing up a kitchen project that my wife had started so I moved ahead to the floor and ordered a light and knobs she had chosen.  But I do find a little less motivation since the future is unknown. If you're like me, we always were doing things as a couple. 

Bill

[mc6844]

Bill, it's good to hear you share. Finishing up house projects is a pathway to healing. For me, I completed a room that's a new area. A place where there was no sickness, sadness or pending death. The adult children were happy to utilize it after their Dad passed. And happy to see a new space that Mom created. Of course they knew it was really for them  lol. Which brings to mind why I value this forum and all you good people. I don't burden my kids or neighbors with my grief, fears or foreboding. But I know the people here don't look at things that way and feel the same way at different times on their own journey. Thank you for sharing. Take care.

[SueS788527]

Hi, Bill, I am sorry to hear about your loss.  I know firsthand how hard it is to now be solo in life after being part of a couple for decades.  Please give yourself some time and space to reflect and regenerate yourself.  The first year in hindsight was pretty much a fog for me as I went through the tedious administrative tasks.  You are not the same person you were before and if you are like me will need grievance support.  Initially I did not find what I needed and only after some time and discussions with trusted friends, did I find GriefShare.  In those sessions, I connected with the right people.  There are also free grief counseling services locally at hospices and religious organizations.  I encourage you to look into these services for support.  It will take time.  Take care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually if you are so inclined.  You may need to experiment so don't give up.  You are now your best caregiver going forward.  I wish you peace and send positive thoughts to you.  This AARP Forum is a good resource as well.  Best of luck, Sue

[BillH490171]

Sue, thanks for the kind words and I did check our griefshare.  Locally, the few opportunities did not seem to fit.  I agree on being my own caregiver and am working at it.  I find peace in reading and walking outdoors.  I'm slowly getting to cherish the 40 years we had and less thinking of that we did not have in the future.  

Thanks, Bill

[SueS788527]

Hi, mc, you are not alone.  I have felt more lethargic recently than when my husband first died.  Part of that was due to all the necessary death notifications I needed to do.  Not sure where the impetus came from either.  Maybe necessity.  What I am doing now, is prioritizing what I should do, not only must dos but what would make my life easier and better.  If you can stick with those priorities, then take it step by step with some noticeable differences to you personally.  That may help with the motivation.  I am finding that I now have to concentrate on my well-being both mentally and physically.  Give yourself small rewards as stuff gets done.  Perhaps do the important critical things earlier in the day and spread out the more enjoyable activities throughout the day.  It is not easy, and I am still experimenting myself.  Good luck. 

[mc6844]

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@SueS788527 wrote:

Hi, mc, you are not alone.  I have felt more lethargic recently than when my husband first died.  Part of that was due to all the necessary death notifications I needed to do.  Not sure where the impetus came from either.  Maybe necessity.  What I am doing now, is prioritizing what I should do, not only must dos but what would make my life easier and better.  If you can stick with those priorities, then take it step by step with some noticeable differences to you personally.  That may help with the motivation.  I am finding that I now have to concentrate on my well-being both mentally and physically.  Give yourself small rewards as stuff gets done.  Perhaps do the important critical things earlier in the day and spread out the more enjoyable activities throughout the day.  It is not easy, and I am still experimenting myself.  Good luck. 

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Thank you Sue for your kind and helpful reply. I identify with all you said.It's definitely important to put well being first. I cannot do what I used to. Can't go at a fast clip. Nor do I have a desire to. I feel a lot like "been there, did that" with so many things. I've found aging and health forums online are a good way to contribute what I can. I no longer feel like reading books, but can tolerate short articles. Reading your posts Sue, it sounds like you're a writer. Your suggestions and advice is clear and sound. I hear the struggle too. The missing of your loved one. Doing everything oneself can be exhausting. I ask myself "how important is it" and rethink my day. Take care Sue. I'm sure your husband is watching over you.

[SueS788527]

Hi, mc6844, I think you make some excellent and profound points, particularly aging along with grieving.  The fact that many others are experiencing this dual challenge, and probably more, does not lighten our load.  I can relate with you that we have seen and done many things in the past. However, we still have a life ahead of us and can try to be the best we can under the circumstances.  I heard Michael J. Fox say those similar words that he works with what he has and that attitude probably has sustained him through his struggle with Parkinson’s disease.

Ironically, I was thinking of you earlier today as I did some gardening early in the day.  I used to garden for hours, but as you said, with age I am paring back the time.  I still get a lot of enjoyment out of the smaller time and feel less achy later.  That is probably our blessing that with age comes wisdom.  We have acquired much knowledge and experience over time both before and after the death of our loved one.  I am now concentrating on what my needs are and trying to take small steps to heal.  If you have been a caregiver, like I was, I found that I was used to being last on the priority list for many necessary reasons.  However, I am no longer a caregiver to my husband but caregiver to myself.  Wow, what a thought!

I encourage you to take some quality time and think about what you like to do that brings you peace and comfort. Life still has a lot to offer. I wish I had more energy too, but as you said, we can take it slower.  Slower is better than not moving forward at all.  I am sending positive thoughts to you.  Have a good holiday weekend. Sue

[mc6844]

Thank you Sue for your kind input. I admire how you are going about things. When I think about it things do seem to happen at the right time without me having to program it. I get the energy somehow to get important things done. It's definitely a new time of life. Thank you for taking the time to share. Take care.